Bro Your Whimsy. You Forgot Your Fucking Whimsy. Your Solemn And Somber Attitude Is Scaring The Hoes

They say by the end of your twenties, you should have things figured out. Your full time career should be established, you should at least be in a serious relationship if--you don't already have a ring on your finger and a few kids, you should be living on your own, you should have enough money for your house to look nice and for you to eat and for you to pay your bills but you also need a savings account for your retirement, and you should be acting like a grownup and participating in society.

I simply say to all of that: fuck off. I think it's a joke if you think you have everything figured out for the rest of your life. That pretty little picture is-- more often than not-- temporary.

I have no idea where my life is going, and I am in no rush to get there. I welcome turns of events that lead me onto a new path. I cherish the hope and the mystery that lies ahead.

It's okay to not have a plan.

honestly even the highest concept sci-fi seems tame once you learn BioSteel™ Goats exist irl

hello! i am crumb cat!

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I want to be a white dad in a horror movie

The double flan emojis make the identity theft scam just a little more enticing.

Right click -> save as -> ancient curse

I AM SCREECHING AMAZON PRIME/PARAMOUNT+ KEEPS FLASHING THIS SPLIT SECOND CLIP OF A PEPPERONI PIZZA FROM LITTLE CAESAR'S IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS SCENE 😆😭🤣💀

So I had a hysterectomy today (hooray!) and I brought along my stuffed orca, Shamu, as a comfort object. And everyone i interacted with during my pre-op was like "Oh! Who's this?" so I was telling them all about him, how he's been with me since I was 9 and gone on every single vacation and road trip, and they were telling me about their own stuffed buddies (one lady said she still has hers after 40 years!) and all of this while I was signing consent forms and providing a list of the things I'd brought with me, you know, small talk.

So then a nurse comes over and goes "Okay, I've got some stickers I'll put on your things so we know they're yours" and I'm like "OK cool" so she puts a sticker on my coat and stickers on my bags of clothes and then she turns to Shamu and I'm like "oh I guess he gets a sticker too"

But no. She pulls out a hospital bracelet that's an exact copy of mine and slaps it on his tail, like so:

And i was delighted by this, so I took a picture to send to my friends, who were equally delighted, and were cracking me up with their reactions (like so:)

Anyway, they take me back and put me under, and when I awake groggily a few hours later it takes me a minute to get my bearings, so I don't notice Shamu at first. But then I realize he's tucked up next to me in the gurney, so I grab him, and my hand touches gauze.

And I'm like "huh?" so I look at him and I realize

They gave my fucking orca a hysterectomy