What Would You Do If I Came At You With A Knife? Would You Run Away And Cry? Would You Scream And Hide?

dream of suicide

I’m having weird dreams. Dreams where I don’t remember who my boyfriend is, all I know is I like this purple haired weirdo and I’m in love with someone I can’t think of. I’m having dreams of guns pointing at me. I just want them to pull the trigger.

 I do the same stuff everyday. I bounce back and forth with a bubbly smile on my face and out of nowhere I break for a few minutes to a few hours. There is no warning and no reason. I’m perfectly fine. I just want to die sometimes. 

I imagine when I look at tall trees or buildings of me falling off. I imagine a bullet randomly going through my head. I imagine losing my boyfriend. I don’t try to. It just comes to me. And now it haunts me when I sleep. I am a walking disaster. 

I constantly ask, when does it end? I constantly say, I want to go home. But I am home, I’m homesick for a place that doesn’t exist, or maybe its the afterlife and that is my home, maybe that’s why I can be perfectly fine and the next moment I just want to die, shaking on my hands in knees, imagining the bullet going through my head one last time. Until the day I am killed, I will live in hell. I can’t wait to go home and for the pain to finally end. 

I've been so focused on convincing myself that I'm happy that I forgot that it's okay to feel bad because it is bad like this right now

How to tell it’s getting bad again

Physical pains (sore jaw, old injuries acting up)

tired tired tired tired

Can’t think/can’t stop thinking

Sleeping too much/not enough

Early waking

Can’t make eye contact

Picking or scratching at skin, nails, hair, etc

Forgetful

Sex repulsed or sex obsessed

Lonely in crowds

Unjustified assumptions (my friends all hate me)

Too much/too little food

Everything tastes bland?

Headcolds/the flu out of nowhere

Distancing yourself

Spending too much time in bed

Not showering/brushing teeth/brushing hair/taking care of your body

Not able to do laundry

Not turning in assignments

Forgetting about assignments

Zoning out

Defensive

Overly emotional/painfully numb

By Isabel