How To Write That 17-page Essay That’s High-key Giving You Anxiety

how to write that 17-page essay that’s high-key giving you anxiety

so it’s 4am and you’ve had three cups of coffee but you’ve only written two sentences. you look at the prompt and find it has ceased to make sense. “how the fuck am i gonna turn this into a 17-page paper” you ask.

never fear! your friendly neighborhood college fuckup is here with an answer. buckle down and get another cup of coffee; you’re in this for the long haul. (literally. this post got long because i’m apparently incapable of writing short posts, but i also pulled a 3.9 cGPA using this method so i’d say it’s worth the read.)

first, a cheat: email your professor and ask if you can use subheaders. subheaders eliminate the need for smooth transitions between portions of your argument and also create a ton of white space, which can help you reach page count.

second, a tip: don’t be afraid to meet with your prof. this essay probably isn’t a take-home exam; it’s likely that your prof set this paper to give you a chance to learn and write about something you enjoy. shoot your prof an email saying “hey, this is what i’m thinking, this is what i’m struggling with, can i meet with you to talk it out?” 9 times out of 10, your prof will say yes. if they say no, talk to another prof in the same discipline. otherwise talk to your uni writing center or a friend of yours. worse come to worst, shoot me a message.

what you’re gonna do now is outline the fuck out of your paper to procrastinate actually writing it.

step 1: take apart the prompt. it’ll be asking for a few different things; mark these things with different cues: brackets, underlining, different colored pens, whatever. this structures your response.

if you don’t know your thesis yet, that’s fine! let it develop naturally as you conduct your research and plan your argument. you can change it as you go - that’s the point of researching the topic. no one will know what your first draft thesis was.

step 2: look at the dismembered prompt. write bullets with brief explanations for how you’ll attack each part of the prompt. these can be detailed or as vague as “look up that one reading and use it as a counter argument.” then figure out the best way to organize the bullets. if nothing makes sense, that’s fine too. you can write each chunk of your argument and structure it later.

these bullets make good subheaders. js.

step 3: under each bullet from step 2, list out what info and evidence you need for that aspect of your argument. don’t worry about details yet; focus on structure. write these bullets as though you’re talking to a friend about what your argument is and why is works. let it be stupid. let it be simple. say shit like “freud was a bitch and i can prove it.”

step 4: now that you have a rough draft of your outline, go back and fill in the details. remember, you’re still outlining! you’re basically redoing step 3 with the bullets you made in step 3. this is the part where i take the most time and put in the most effort.

i tend to reach page/word count easily if my outline is half the length the paper needs to be, so i keep outlining until i reach that point. this ratio might be different for you. if you can figure out your ratio, it can tell you if you need to look for more info or if you’re good to go.

make a note of what you’re citing but don’t worry about actual citations. i like using gdocs because you can easily paste a link to your source in a comment. this way, the sources don’t clutter up your doc or artificially inflate your page or word count.

be silly! be stupid! use swear words and memes and internet lingo. you’re just outlining right now; you don’t need to sound smart and professional. you should be focusing on what you want to say, not how to say it.

by the end of this process, my outline is basically my paper in bulletpoint format, without any fancy jargon or quotes or cited evidence, and usually not in complete sentences. i’ve essentially tricked myself into writing my paper by saying “i’m just outlining, it doesn’t really matter.” it’s also less daunting to write the rest of the paper when you know you already have 9 pages done instead of 0.

step 5: write the damn thing! open a fresh doc for your paper and view it side-by-side with your outline. now you get to make your bullets sound pretentious and academic. insert quotes and other evidence. turn “freud was a bitch” into “freud knowingly perpetuated several falsehoods for the sake of his personal gain, thereby undoing decades of progress in the field of psychology.”

don’t worry about citations right now, though! do what you did in your outline and insert the citations as comments at the points where they need to be. creating citations will interrupt your flow.

step 6: once your paper is done, go back and add citations! this can take up to an hour depending on how many sources you have, so budget your time appropriately.

holy shit! you just wrote a whole damn paper! i’m proud of you, buddy. go buy yourself a milkshake and take a nap.

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let’s find us a jersey devil: you’re deep in the pineys, surrounded by fog, eyes are on you in the shadows of the trees. this is the verge of discovery. you spend your free hours in cemeteries and libraries because you know there’s more. everything has led up to this. ghosts, cryptids, aliens. the fog parts- a night to dismember.

someday huh? when’s that.: all these goals are stacking up. your eyes may be dead but your mind is racing. wake up, get excited, wait for the doubt to kick in. life’s a bitch but so are you. sleep deprivation is no match for you. you have ambition. you’ve got the spirit. when you’re not spiraling, that is.

somewhere in the northwest: a tall house in a small town in northwest. grey skies and christmas lights. everything is picturesque, everything is just fine until it’s not. an ornate living room, piano notes echoing, dust rising from worn leather couches, and a butcher knife. lighting is flashing along with the sign of the motel outside. (bates motel/psycho vibes)

one for the money: it’s the roaring 20s. you’re in a booming metropolis at the height of it all. think tommy shelby/peaky blinders. you spend your days in slightly shady business and nights in jazz clubs surrounded by rich men and women. you’ve got the money, you’ve got the power. what’s a little danger?

new age heretics: dancing around a bonfire. the euphoria is palpable. knowledge to bring nations to their knees and the means to do it. the ticking of the clock has slowed. can you feel it?

soft grunge: rain blows against your windows as you ready your next vinyl. these are the moments you dreamt of. everything is quiet, within and without you. time is fluid and you’re questioning things. you’re driving down a highway, and the flashing of headlights is blinding. this isn’t limbo, or darkness, but the feeling is infinite, and so are you.

quietly burning: your rage is your power. your anger is a gift. there is a system to tear down, and damn it if you’ll back down. sure, you’re in physics class but that doesn’t mean you cant dream of throwing a molotov cocktail at some fascists. spit out the blood and bare your teeth, this is the sounds of a revolution.

it’s a rumble: alright cats and dogs, its a turf war, ya dig? surfers vs bikers, a beach shack, and the best vibe on this side of the lighthouse. yes, this is inspired by teen beach movie. what about it.

sci-fi fantasy: 80’s synth wave is blasting and torn copies of sci-fi classics are scattered around your room. the telescope by your window is practically calling to you tonight. at least there’s no lack in the stars. there’s so much you don’t know, but you know we’re not alone. the telescope dips- that had to be a UFO above the trees.

pt. 1

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things I wish i would have known my first year of University

1) Make an outline for your papers. it doesn’t have to be detailed but having one will help you keep on track when writing. it will only take you a few minutes to brainstorm one.

2) always carry a spare charger and a backup battery for your phone. honestly, our phones are an extension of us now, so nothing is scarier than when it dies halfway through your class. a backup battery and a charger are always handy.

3) set smaller deadlines and stick to them. you might flounder if you decide to have your 2000 word essay all done and edited for March 14. but you might have an easier time deciding to have 500 words written by March 8, 1000 words by March 10, 1500 words by March 11, 2000 words by March 13, and to edit it on the 14th. these smaller deadlines have really helped me to get my work done and to not to stress about deadlines. splitting up my assignments into smaller chunks makes it more manageable.

4) email your professors if you have questions. or go to their office when they’re in. don’t sit there in confused silence, it won’t help.

5) Do practise Self-care and take breaks. these don’t always have to be full days off with a spa day. it can be having a bubble bath after studying for hours, or watching a movie that makes you laugh after finishing an essay. or just making sure you're eating healthy and drinking water.

6) do put important dates in your calendar. weather its a psychical calendar, or one on your phone/ computer. I have all my major dates on my computer laptop, it helps when I am studying and wondering when I have an exam or need to remember when to hand in a paper.

7) always have a highlighter, a pencil, a pen, and spare paper. you never know when you’re going to have a pop quiz or an activity in class.

8) reach out to friends and spend time with them/ your family. people tend to isolate themselves during exam/paper/midterm season. while you definitely need to study, you also need to have social connections. make a study date at your library or even get a coffee with a friend.

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Homeschooler aesthetics:

-Everyone is so fucking weirdly competitive. If you think public schoolers are competitive, just wait until you see homeschoolers play capture the flag.

-Everyone is either Vegan, Christian, Conservative, and will yell at anyone who doesn’t follow social norms or they’re some form of LGBT+, cool with fucking everything, and have dyed hair and Mohawks and shit. I’ve literally never seen an in between in my entire fucking life.

-You forget that everyone you know isn’t also homeschooled. You’re just so used to it that people being in public school seems odd and surreal.

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-“What school do you go to?”

-“What grade are you in?”

-most of your day is taken up by waiting for all your public schoolers friends to come home. Its extremely boring.

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-co-ops

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Small Ways To Improve Your Life

make your bed to immediately make your room look more put together

water first, then coffee or tea

pray or meditate, even just for ten minutes, to set the tone for your day

browse the news headlines ( & read the articles that interest you when you’ve got time)

wear something you feel b o m b in

listen to music while doing your daily activities-commuting, cleaning, cooking, exercising

smile at at least two people

smile at YOURSELF

call or message someone you love

eat food that makes you feel radiant

make lists of things you need to accomplish for the day

stretch for 10 minutes

record in your phone the positive thoughts you have so you can remember them

carry water with you (always always always)

shut off your phone for an hour and have some ME time

take a hot shower or bath at the end of a stressful day

try to make plans to spend time with someone at least once a week

think about 3 things you are grateful for at the end of each day

do something calming, relaxing, and non-electronic 30 minutes before you sleep

sleep pants-less

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you know what I love about learning a new language? developing a whole new personality. with each new language you learn, you start to see the world in a different perspective. you’re essentially an infant when you start learning the alphabet, and as you make grammer mistakes, terribly embarass yourself by saying the wrong word, and learn about culture, your personality in that language matures. by the time you’ve become proficient in a second or third language, you’ve basically got two fully developed sides to all of your thoughts and actions stored inside your brain. you can compare your personalities throughout different languages and see two absolutely different reflections of the same person. it’s amazing to see how you’ve “grown up” differently. learning a new language is a second chance at childhood

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