I Want Retired!john With A Bad Knee And A Pudgy Belly Who Spends His Time Helping At Risk Youth Because

Captain John Price cock hypothesis

18+ MDNI

A/N: Written at the request of @velvetyhydrangea. After much deliberation and research, these are the conclusions I’ve come to regarding Price’s cock.

Captain John Price cock head-cannons:

Naturally, he’s uncut. No surprise there. (I’m pretty sure that’s the norm over there in the UK. Can’t speak form experience, but if I ever get the chance to cross the big pond, I’ll be sure to investigate thoroughly and report back with my data.)

Price is hairy almost everywhere, so of course he’s sporting a full bush. Man so furry he could be mistaken for a bear. I need to suffocate myself in his chest hair. He doesn’t shave, either, and honestly, I think the world is better off that way.

Price is 8 cm long when soft, and 14 cm long when hard. So he’s slightly shorter than Simon, but he’s still packing something in his pants that you should be afraid of and I’m not talking about the glock. (Source: trust me bro)

Price has one of those cock where the tip is relatively normal sized, but it gets disgustingly fat in the middle before tapering off slightly at the base. Perfect for impaling yourself on. (If you know you know)

We begin with a diameter of 4 cm, but swiftly expand to a diameter of 6 cm and a circumference of 18.85 cm at the midpoint. For reference, that’s as thick as a can of Monster Energy. Good luck trying to fit that thing in your mouth.

Breeding balls… fat, fucking breeding balls packed pull of swimmers as hardy and resilient as he is. He’s the reason my IUD is only considered to be 99% effective. Johnathan Price is thee one percenter of breeding.

Please enjoy this smutty little scene based on a discord convo I had earlier today about sex after IUDs. Unedited and abrupt - if you know me, no you don't 😌

Johnny 'Soap' MacTavish x Reader

*As always, 18+, Minors DNI*

When you'd gotten your IUD a few months back, you'd been prepared for the worst. You'd heard so many horror stories before you'd decided to bite the proverbial bullet and get yours, and you thought you'd prepared yourself for every eventuality.

But you'd never heard anything about the increased sensitivity afterwards.

"C'mon hen, keep your hips up."

When you'd met Johnny, all you'd been expecting was a quick fuck. It was supposed to be a one night stand, the perfect way to test everything out, a practice run before your next longterm relationship. That was before he'd gotten you on your on your tummy, legs splayed wide around his hairy thighs as he slid into your aching center.

You'd struggled against it at first; it had never been your preferred position with past partners, especially ones as... blessed as Johnny. Most of the time, it hurt, your cervix too sensitive to last long as they pounded into you.

However, in between your last partner and your current situation, something had changed. Rather than the sharp pain you'd been expecting, there was a soft, dull ache where Johnny rested inside of you.

"You're so warm - feels like heaven inside ye."

You couldn't stop the whimper that bubbled up, and you were grateful he couldn't see your face; you were sure you were blushing. As you began to rock back, your hips pressing into his, you savored the new sensitivity, the ache adding to the pleasure starting to build. Your movements became frantic, both of you pushing towards your own orgasms.

You crested as you heard him curse behind you, his hips flush with yours as he pulsed inside you. You couldn't stop your hand from creeping between your thighs to press gently on the skin over your womb - the dull ache lingered for a moment, gently pulsing with the last aftershocks of your orgasm.

Oh yeah, you could get used to this.

The way soap would lose his goddamned mind if you told him he had boyfriend dick

He’s already like 1% away from complete thoughtless ecstasy when he gets to watch you ride him, and then?

“God, you have such a boyfriend dick— I could take it every day, it fits so right—“

And like, you’re not dating. But he sure is looking at rings anyways.

Simon trying his damndest not to cum so soon, but it's a fuckin' uphill battle when yours and Kyle's pretty glossy eyes are looking up at him as you kiss, suck, and make love to his cock.

“From whence you came” is a classic place to send back a foul beast

the simon and kyle blurb?!!! hello?!!! I rarely see this duo together and it’s so unfair 😣

Sugar and spice is the best way I can describe being sandwiched between Kyle and Simon.

Just imagine the sexual tension between them and the reader and how it just... comes to a head.

It's you three, shooting the shit, and the conversation somehow veers over into shotgunning. Next thing you know, you're in Simon's lap, Kyle's scooted a little bit closer and they teach—demonstrate, rather—the basics of shotgunning.

Which turns into Kyle's tongue down his Lt.'s throat.

Which then turns into Simon's tongue down your throat.

Which THEN turns into you sandwiched between the two, you and Kyle making out, your tongue down his throat, and Simon leaving hickies on your neck and groping you wherever he can.

Cheers, darling.

So I’ve been staying at a hotel lately and running out of clean clothes, so I’ve been sleeping in the hotel robe, which inevitably doesn’t stay closed and exposes my tits at some point in the night.

Anyways. Imagine sharing a room with Soap.

The whole time he’s been playing up how normal it is. Sleeping in the same room. Leaving the bathroom door open. Seeing each other’s weird habits. Cause you’re best mates, so it’s not weird. You’re one of the guys, a member of the team— you’ve been together through thick and thin. You’ve slept in closer quarters than this on deployment.

Until you’re sleeping and your robe opens up, and suddenly he’s reminded that you’re his best mate with the soft, inviting body of a girl.

And he’s just a man, bonnie. Cannae be blamed for what happens next, y’ken?

The Secret History

“But how,” said Charles, who was close to tears, “how can you possibly justify cold-blooded murder?’ Henry lit a cigarette. “I prefer to think of it,” he had said, “as redistribution of matter.”

The way I'm obsessed with this group, ugh!!!

Digital Illustration, 2025

Gorchart

My tattoo artist told me his teenage son came out to him as trans by giving him a bunch of blue cupcakes and a greeting card that said "it's a boy!"

"That's cute," I said.

"It was NOT cute!" he snapped. "I thought he was pregnant."

Another idea dump

Soap x Reader

tw: smut

You, who willingly let yourself be escorted home by this cute stranger with a mohawk, eager to get over the misery of not being able to move on from your recent ex..

You broke up through text, because well- he wasn't available most of the time anyway, too busy with his job to give you the amount of affection you wanted.

Well, he hasn't responded yet- but still.

So you let this man, Johnny, help you forget about your ex.

You weren't picky, and he was very interested in you, even after you overshared about your ex to him, a stranger. A bad habit you often did when you were a bit tipsy.

A second after the door was closed, he was on you. Moaning into your mouth as he kissed you messily, getting you weak in the knees before he lifted you up and brought you to bed.

And as he started pounding into you, as you were gripping the bedsheet with your eyes rolling to the back of your head- you heard a continuous buzzing along with a familiar ringtone.

You whined when you felt Johnny slowing down his pace, and through the tears, you saw him reaching for your phone before tossing it to you.

He smirked at your confusion, deliberately slowing down even more, savoring your frustration. A desperate whimper escaped your lips as you pressed your heels onto his back, a silent, needy plea for him to move faster.

But he only smiled. "Answer it".

Somehow, you managed to grab your phone and read the name flashing on the screen. "Boyfie ❤️".

Oh, right. You haven't changed his name in your contact.

"Johnny-" You gasped, your breath hitching as he bucked his hips against you, the velvety head of his cock nudging right against that blissful spot deep inside.

"Do it, Bonnie" he purred lowly before dipping down to capture your nipple between his lips. "Make him hear just how damn good yer feelin' without him".

He rolled his hips slowly, making sure you felt every inch of his shaft dragging against your sensitive walls.

Knowing it would leave you to be desperate for more.

And he was right.

So you complied, and with shaky hands, you swiped the button on the screen before the phone slipped from your grasp as Johnny slammed into you again.

The other end of the line remained silent, but you knew someone was there—listening to every sinful sound echoing through the room.

Until..

"Luv?"

At that, you whimpered—not just from the gruff voice that still sent shivers through you, but from the way Johnny’s movements momentarily faltered.

"S-simon.." You mewled in response.

A needy whine escaped your lips as Johnny suddenly stilled.

Before you could ask what was wrong, he pressed your legs to your chest, gripping the backs of your knees before slamming into you—fucking you hard until all you could do was squeal and sob.

As the seconds on your phone ticked by, the call remained connected.