Anon-knife - Anon😗🔪

Steph:"my dad took over my hamster once i went back to college and ended up getting really attached and today he escaped and this goes to prove how truly pure my father is"
Texts between Steph and her dad about her hamster going missing.  Padre:”Please call me a soon as you get this it's an emergency”  Steph: “dad do not freak out it's just a hamster!! we will find him”  Padre:”Oh my God I'm so sorry honey” “I'm so sorry l'm looking everywhere” “Im so wicked sorry I'II keep looking all day” “I Can't believe this.”
Padre:”This is the absolute worst ever” “I'm Never going to forgive myself if he doesn't come back” “Should I keep looking for him or is that going to scare him into hiding” “If I can't find him today I'm not going to work tomorrow so I can keep looking”  Steph:”Dad- he's just a hamster i don't blame you at ALL. you shouldn't skip work you are a lawyer and he is a hamster”
Picture of a hamster enclosure with food and a ring of flour arranged around the food.  Steph:”that looks good” “what's the white arc of bedding for? or is that bedding? what is that”  Padre:”Flour So I can see his footsteps if he comes to get the food”  Steph:”oh that's smart”  Padre:”So I know he's still alive”  Steph:”that's smart”
Padre:”I'm so sorry steph” “This is my biggest screwup ever. I will make it right”  Steph:”No it's not”  Padre:”I put him in his ball a whole bunch of times I should have double checked” “God is good I will trust him” “I know he likes peanut butter” “Peanuts” “That's a start”
follow up: He did find him!!!
Picture of Steph’s dad holding the hamster  Steph:”OMG” “DID YOU GET HIM??”  Padre:”Yes” “In his cage” “Are you effing kidding me”
Picture of the hamster jumping up towards Steph’s dad  Padre:”The little bastard is trying to get out again”  Steph:”arrest him”  Padre:”This was the most stressful day in my life since I took the bar exam” “Night”

More Posts from Anon-knife and Others

3 years ago

which one of u was going to tell me that tea tastes different if u put it in hot water?

1 month ago

for like a decade I kept getting the advice of "don't ruminate" but also "sit with your emotions" and I was like What The Fuck Does That Even Mean. until someone finally explained it in a way that makes sense:

so there's the emotional part of your brain ("I'm embarrased") and then there's the storytelling part ("all my friends hate me and I'm a piece of shit"). when people say "don't ruminate" what they mean is don't feed the storytelling part

you tend to the emotion ("I'm feeling x. why am I feeling that? how do I move forward given that information? what's something nice I can do for myself right now to cope with this?") but you treat the storytelling part like a little goblin that's trying to be as unhelpful to this whole process as possible. this doesn't shut the storytelling goblin up completely, but it keeps it from causing so much chaos and over time it stops talking so damn much

it's basically like if you were trying to comfort a friend. you'd validate their emotions, but you wouldn't sit there and let them call themself a piece of shit. do that for yourself

sharing this in case someone else is also like Why Didn't Someone Just Say That

1 year ago

whenever im sad i just think about how the welsh word for microwave is popty ping

2 years ago

i literally don’t care if you have social anxiety you still need social skills

1 month ago

So uh….some dude apparently recreated Adobe Photoshop feature-for-feature, for FREE, and it runs in your browser.

Anyway, fuck Adobe, and enjoy!

3 years ago

hey so protip if you have abusive parents and need to get around the house as quietly as possible, stay close to furniture and other heavy stuff because the floor is settled there and it’s less likely to creak

2 months ago

i am shrunken down and brought to the gnome world and when i attempt to assimilate to their culture I use an acorn cap as a hat and they all laugh cheerfully at my silly mistake of wearing what they use as a bowl like a cap and though this is a transgression that would have humiliated me in my human life I am instead laughing alongside them at my humorous misunderstanding

2 years ago

“How can you not be angry?”

“I am angry,” the werewolf said. “But unlike you, I don’t have the luxury of showing it without being called a monster. Without someone taking it as a sign of proof that I need to be put down like a rabid dog, that I’m just like what the stories tell you.” 

“But everyone gets angry…that’s human.”

“Up until the point when you’re not human.”

2 years ago

if you search a tag on someone's blog on the mobile app it will show you only a selection of posts in an inscrutably random order but if you go to a mobile browser and type [blog url].tumblr.com/tagged/[tag] you will get all posts on that blog with that tag in reverse chronological order. if you add /chrono behind it you get them in regular chronological order. naturally this works in desktop browsers too but i know many people are mobile only these days and the app's built in tag search is shit so this knowledge is vital to your survival

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anon-knife - anon😗🔪
anon😗🔪

*holds knife menacingly*

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