Be Gay Do Crime.. Or Something

Yknow how Paul looks like this at beanies in NPMD?

Jon’s got wet hair because he just took out all the green from being Wiggly.

BUT

It’s hilarious to just think Paul is so fucking anxious about giving Emma his number he’s just, standing their sweating his fucking ass off.

EDIT: I FUCKED UP. THE SUMMONING HASN’T EVEN HAPPENED YET. HE JUST LOOK LIKE THAT Y’ALL

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Ever since I was young, I was raised to be a total blank slate. No interests, no aesthetics, nothing. I was meant to be the vessel to L’Gogamet, the Hallowed One. So, that meant I had to fully give myself over to Them.

The only problem is: They never bothered to show up. I sat there, on my eighteenth birthday, waiting for Them to rend my soul from my flesh, only to receive a burning blaze of light reading “sorry, can’t make it, save the next one for me.”

My family wasn’t exactly thrilled. They were under the impression that I had done something wrong, though for the life of me I have no clue what it was. And now, I’m all alone. I have no clue what I’m meant to do.

I have a small apartment and a roommate. I’ve tried to get interested in the same stuff she likes, but it honestly just doesn’t appeal to me. But I have no clue what there is that I do like. Apparently, outside of my family, there isn’t exactly a “L’Gogamet fanbase”, and that was the only thing I was allowed to be interested in for my whole life.

I’ve gone to support groups, but sitting in a circle with other blank slates doesn’t exactly feel helpful. And then when someone does find something interesting, I’m like “wow! good for you! time to go back to doing nothing with my life.”

Worst of all are the modifications. My family took it upon themselves to alter me in a few ways, various piercings and tattoos that They should have loved. Only now, I’m stuck with them. And most of them are cursed to never be removed. I’ve been called out a few times, told that they’re “appropriative for a Sapio like me to have.” That hurt more than most comments, because I guess that’s all I am now. A Sapio, with nothing special about me except the disgusting markings all over me.

Your show came up in one of the support group meetings. I thought maybe you would have some advice? How do I find my interests and my self when I’ve been raised to be a nobody?

I'm so sorry your family have treated you with such unkindness – and I don't only mean their failure to support you after their plans went awry. It was profoundly unkind of them to raise you the way they did, as if you were nothing but a vessel for their hopes and aspirations and not your own person.

Their treatment of your body is particularly upsetting. I am certainly not going to try and tell you that your markings aren't “disgusting”, or to tell you how you ought to feel about your own body. I do encourage you to take whatever steps you feel appropriate in reclaiming your body, however.

Part of this reclamation might involve covering or removing the marks inflicted on you by your family. But I encourage you to experiment with other ways of changing your appearance, too. Play around with your clothing, hairstyles, hair colour, make-up – whatever you can think of.

The point isn't to find a style that you love, but rather to demonstrate actively to yourself that this body is yours, your own, and that finally, you are in charge of how it looks.

Of course, this process does bump up against your initial question rather. How are you supposed to know what sort of choices you want to make when you've never been allowed to make that kind of choice before?

The answer may seem obvious: you need to try as many things as you can, and expose yourself to as many new experiences as possible. But for the time being, I want you try and set aside your concerns about finding what you “really” like.

That is a huge amount of pressure to put on yourself, especially when you're starting from scratch, like you are. Instead, go into these activities with no more pressure on yourself than a sense of open curiosity.

You're not on some great quest to discover your True Self – you're just popping into the local book club to see what it's like, or borrowing some knitting needles from a friend and giving it a go. You can check what clubs and events are running at your local library, and make a game of trying as many as you can fit into your schedule.

Give yourself time. Imagine your personality as a plant that has been left in a dark, cold room with nothing to feed it and no light to help it grow. Against all odds, it has survived – pale and stunted, but alive. Now imagine you bring that plant into a warm, bright room, you feed it and water it, and above all you give it the space it needs. Who knows what kind of beautiful thing it might blossom into?

Finally, a word on your identity. Reader, you absolutely don't have to identify as sapio if you don't want to. There are plenty of people who consider themselves to be people of the night based on their magical practice, their religious background, or their occupations. You personal experiences more than qualify you to do the same.

As I've said many times before, liminality is defined by the people who claim it. There isn't an external, objective standard of “strangeness” that you have to meet in order to be a member of the community. Anyone who says otherwise is at best dangerously ignorant and at worst, wilfully so.

he looks like scrappy doo

hammer-headed bats are the only thing you should be thinking about

Hello.

I am—was—a very powerful deity. About 200 years ago, I was sealed away by a group of very rude Sapio men. I have, obviously, escaped those confines by now.

However, I am far from my original form. In an attempt to drag me down to their level, those heathens made me one of them. A Sapio.

With all due “respect” to the Sapios in the community, I HATE IT. Not to mention: I have lost all ability to make in-person contact with ANYONE in the creature community! I would be impressed with this level of sorcery if it wasn’t used against me, of all beings!

So, what am I supposed to do with my next thousand years while I sort this out? How am I meant to enjoy the thrill of the hunt when I’ve only got two short legs? What good is howling at the moon with a voice that can barely echo off the cliffs?

I’ve tried finding some new hobbies, but honestly. A potluck with Nextdoor Sasha and her Oh So Lovely Kids isn’t exactly a ravenous feast in my honor. Nothing seems to compare anymore. So what do I do? I know it’s only temporary, but if I get invited to one more night out drinking with the boys that doesn’t include the killing of a sacrificial boar, I’m going to lose it. Please, help an ex-god out!

Oh, reader – this sounds absolutely dreadful, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Not only are you having to suffer the indignity of being confined to a form that is not your own, but the magical prohibition on meeting with liminal folk must be particularly wearing.

On a practical level, I wonder how far that prohibition extends. Given that the spell that binds you to this form was constructed over 200 years ago, it seems unlikely it can account for the joys of the modern Internet.

Online friendships are not quite the same as in-person ones, but they can be extremely fulfilling, and may offer you more support for your particular circumstances than Nextdoor Sasha is able to provide.

At the risk of getting your hopes up, the Internet might also be helpful in finding a more long-term solution for the matter. This sounds like an extremely complicated, high-level binding, and likely not something the average professional magic-user would be able to undo.

It's rare that I suggest seeking out a wizard to solve one's magical problems, since wizards are, by and large, overpriced, overeducated and overly endowed with ego. But in your case, a highly specialised, highly qualified practitioner might be just what you need.

In the meantime, I think you need to reconsider the types of activities you're taking up to fill the hole left by your erstwhile godhood. I quite agree that neighbourhood potlucks and nights out with 'the boys' are hardly going to scratch the itch. Have you considered BDSM? Or alternatively, it's less sexual cousin, LARPing?

If you want to feel like a god again, the world is full of people willing to help. You just need to find them, and agree the exact terms of your worship – whether that be within the confines of a kink scene, or a roleplaying game.

You will need to communicate your needs and wishes clearly, and respect other people's boundaries, but provided you can manage that, I see no reason you couldn't find any number of willing peons to worship at your feet and kiss the ground you walk on.

"You got vampire lore wrong in your story because real vampires do this and that" Buddy I have terrible news about all of vampires. Heartbreaking news. Worst news you're gonna hear all day.

yeah I knowwww the witch said to only eat one of the roses but like. theyre soooo good you guys no no like it tastes soooo yummy

what do you mean “would I love my son if he was a worm?”