I Can Never Find The Right Words To Tell People What I’m Thinking. Telling Them I’m Tired Doesn’t

I can never find the right words to tell people what I’m thinking. Telling them I’m tired doesn’t work, but I can’t seem to vocalize that I’m mentally exhausted and sick of existing. Telling them I’m sad doesn’t work either, but I can’t explain that I’m struggling not to kill myself and that the joy in everything in my life is gone and when I wake up to the sun in my eyes, I have to struggle to get myself out of bed because most of me didn’t even want to wake up at all. I can’t tell them I’m numb because what I’m feeling is so much more complex than numb and I don’t have the vocabulary to tell them that I feel like I’m drowning and it terrifies me that I feel nothing as it’s happening, and that my insides want to scream but I can’t even find it in me to shed a tear anymore, that every single aspect of my life feels like it’s shaded in grey because someone sucked out all the colors but I can hardly even remember what colors are because I can no longer remember a time I didn’t feel like this. No, I don’t know how to say that. So I just whisper “I’m fine.”

Chakras & Crystals

Crown - Selenite, Crystal Quartz, Moonstone, Fluorite, Amethyst

Third Eye - Lapis Lazuli, Iolite, Sapphire, Sodalite

Throat - Agate, Angelite, Turquoise, Amazonite, Hawk Eye

Heart - Rose Quartz, Aventurine, Malachite, Unakite

Solar Plexus - Citrine, Tiger’s Eye, Amber, Yellow Calcite, Topaz

Sacral - Carnelian, Peach Moonstone, Orange Aventurine, Orange Calcite

Root - Red Jasper, Obsidian, Red Tiger’s Eye, Tourmaline

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artsyflex

4 years ago

some of u bitches r trying your hardest to stay positive and hopeful despite all the bullshit you’ve been going thru and it really shows and i’m proud of u

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artsyflex

4 years ago

the reason of me still existing is my weakness, and the same thing is the reason of my unwillingness to live. my mom doesn’t need me because i’m ungrateful piece of shit just like my brother as she says, my dad just doesn’t really care. the only person that made my life better and happy, is the one whom i’m making miserable, and for whom it is hard to be with me p, not due me being piece of shit but because of his own problems and past. i don’t feel right now. i don’t feel alive. i don’t feel happy. i don’t feel care. coming from others nor from myself. i try to smile, every fucking day i try to fake it until i would make it, but on this planet shit doesn’t seem to work this way. i’m already dead, all flowers in my soul are intoxicated, and i’m going to be nothing, i feel nothing, i want nothing, i have nothing. nothing to loose. people for whom i could live, hope that i will die. i’m making everyone’s life miserable and i’m the first in the list of those people. i need pain, i love pain, because i could never fully appreciate happiness. i don’t know the price of anything im a piece of shit and nobody needs me, and i am so fucking weak i can’t even make a blessing for everyone and just fucking kill myself, i’m this kind of an awful person, i’m so weak i hate myself , i hate every muscle bone and organ that i have i should be hanged or killed by the worst kind of death ever i just hope it will happen soon and i just hope to die

Beginnig of Fall - Academia Aesthetic

hair in a messy bun, smudged eyeliner, dark red fall-y lipstick, wrongly buttoned blouse, comfy jeans, black boots, massive HEADPHONES

brown seemingly bottomless bag, carried over one shoulder, filled with a view notebooks and collegeblocks, a lot of loose pencils and pens

happily chatting with friends on the way to class

morning fogginess and wett grass from the cold nights

sunny days, often cloudy, orange and red and brown leaves crunch while walking over them

Keep reading

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artsyflex

4 years ago

Dear me,

You're nothing .

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artsyflex

4 years ago

academia aesthetics by university major

Literature

Losing yourself in whimsy, drifting somewhere parallel to reality. Passionate, frenzied writing in the heart of the night. Drinking the moonlight. Love letters lost between moments. Birdsong. Quiet looks, filled with meaning. Opinions you don’t speak out loud. Chopin’s Nocturnes.

Classics

A glint in the eye, like they know something you don’t. Books in different languages, scattered across every surface. Red wine, and blood, and secrets. Spirits stirred by the glorious weight of eras past, tongue heavy with the words of dead men. Marble busts of Greek philosophers. Reality dulling against the music of myth.

Philosophy

Milky tea and introspective mornings. Sun filtering gently into a quiet room. Reading in nature, sinking into the sound of the wind, birds or water. Margins filled with annotations. Long, grand hallways and the echo of footsteps. Conversations that last for hours, but feel like minutes.

Sciences

Notebooks filled with scattered calculations, terms, and theories, partnered with small pieces of flora and miscellaneous clippings. ‘Eureka’ moments. Wild eyes and chewed lips. Lying awake all night, your head buzzing with ideas. Piles of meticulous notes. Hunching over desks in dim lamplight. The feeling of puzzle pieces fitting together. The smallness of humanity, and the vastness of existance.

Fine Art/Art History

Huge, baroque ballrooms with renaissance paintings on the ceilings. Staring up at them until the real world dissolves and the images spin around you. Early spring. Foxes in the snow. Classical music. Vintage teacups, and slow blinks. Laughter covered by fingers. Dancing where no-one can see you.

Political Science

Fast strides and black coffee. Enthusiastic debates with peers, and discussions with your professor. Pages and pages of notes, scrawled so hastily they’re almost illegible. Running through the night, laughing with friends and going places you shouldn’t. A cunning smile from across a room.

History

Grand old buildings, shadowed with age and brimming with secrets. Old, rusty daggers. Tentative hands and determined eyes. Fingers stained with nicotine and ink. Old books and letters, shrouded in dust, that no-one’s read in a hundred years. Touching the pages, and understanding what it was to be alive in another time, seeing what they saw and feeling what they felt.

(dm to request a major for part two)

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artsyflex

5 years ago

you made me feel like i was not enough

like i always need to pretend to be someone else

someone you wanted me to be

someone you would like to be friends with

even if you didn’t you it on purpose , this stayed with me till now

i will never walk through the valley of my personality without looking back, on this shadow. Scar that you left on my heart. Fear that’s going to follow me into the darkest days, just to give me opportunity to arise

from hellfire i walked through again