Want To Try And Relax But What If I Do It Wrong

sorry I didn't listen to anything you just said I was busy thinking about when I can interrupt with my funnier, more superior story

You keep sending assassins after me but I kiss every one of them on the lips so sweetly

*calls you captain in a gay way*

yeah i'm a false prophet but you believed me so whose fault is it really that we're in this mess

honestly the only reason im not an old man is that i happen to have been born somewhat recently. other than that 

wouldn’t it be cool to just like not feel nervous about everything all the time

oh boy i wish someone would notice my cries for help! [someone actually notices] noooo i'm fine don't worry about me

Guy just walked in with a shirt that said “I don’t question my wife’s choices because I’m one of them” and frankly I’m obsessed

"this meeting could've been an email" but instead it's "this ship war could've been a threesome"

"forgive and forget" WRONG! go to hell