Being Trans Is So Hard But I Love It So Much But Waking Up Everyday Is Hard

Literally my shitty religious counselor with the "you should talk to your father again!!" when i've told him how many times he's fucked me over and how he neglected me when I was a kid. If you're reading this, i hate you (my counselor)

Shout out to that period of time when I was a little kid and I would ask for hugs from random people even though that was an objectively awful idea

🫠👍

(Dw I don't do that anymore but I still love hugs from people who are my friends)

Shout-out to the autistics who crave hugs. Shout-out to the autistics whose love language is touch.

And shout-out to the autistics who were denied a timely diagnosis because a misinformed professional thought you were "too affectionate" to be autistic.

You aren't any less autistic because of how you show affection. And you aren't nearly as rare as pop culture and outdated research would imply.

Dude (if that's okay to say) I literally went down the same path as you. I thought I was only okay with gender neutral descriptors, but I was lying to myself kinda (by kinda I mean it was a step in the right direction, but not right still), I really didn't want to be a man and I still do not know why. I went "cis" -> demigirl -> nonbinary -> demiboy -> trans man.

Then when I discovered male terms for myself it just kinda clicked. I was uncomfortable calling myself a man, still kinda am tbh because I look incredibly fem and there's nothing I can do about it, but once I grew into them and started calling myself a guy/man/boy etc. I got used to it more and more and now I'm not okay with being called anything else.

You don't have to be a trans man to be transmasc, you don't have to be a man if you don't want to, but you may start liking it like I did.

How do you feel about he/him in general? For me, I thought they/them felt right but then I thought about it and tested it out in sentences and it wasn't as right feeling as he/him. The only times I've been called "August" and "he/him" in public was at the mental hospital, but it filled me with a joy that's hard to describe.

How would you describe your dysphoria? For me, I thought I just wanted a flat chest and short hair, but then I realized I wanted male features all over, and didn't really want to be androgynous. I was drawn to FTM bottom surgery in particular, and that is and still is my main goal. I used to just think it was cool, but now I realize I want it.

I could test out some names and pronouns in a sentence if you'd like!

Sorry if this wasn't helpful or didn't make sense, sometimes I spill words out that don't quite make sense.

I just need to get this off of my chest, so here i go. Ive been out as nonbinary for almost 10 years (since i was 14) but over the past year ive started to Wonder if i might actually just be a man(meaning i would be trans ftm) and i dont know what to do with this information. I have friends that i know would support me (obvi since they support me as enby) but im so sceard of being a man. I hate the thought of calling myself s man or being called it by someone, but i love being called things like uncle or son. And my dysphoria (which has always been bad) has gotten so much worse over the past months too.

Idfk what to do about this. Any advice would be apriciated.

Diary entry #13

I'm in a better mood so no cw today! This is mostly just a collection of random thoughts

Sometimes I look at all these people saying trans people are evil or whatever and I don't get it?? Like I don't really understand why people think that. Like grandmother I'm not going to hurt anyone I am literally just some guy.

You ever see some random motherfucker from the most weird series and decide "that man is my new gender envy source and also I want him." That's me, I fall into this trap literally every time I go into a new series/game or whatever. And it is always the weirdest ones too.

I watched a video on pvz lore, and now I'm like "goddammit I GUESS i'll read the comics now." Like they seem interesting and I need more lore so I'll get around to reading them... sometime. There's just so many issues and I procrastinate on even stuff I want to do.

I talked to my grandma about going to college in Illinois and she didn't like shut it down immediately so I'm hoping for the best.

I guess that's it?

This is awesome how does it only have a couple of notes???

a little chest binding/testosterone sticker sheet i did for fun :)

Master Doc with Abortion Funds for Every State

*writing my stupid little fanfiction*

*looks down at ipad*

[ID: a picture of a cat screaming superimposed on a simple background; the cat is screaming "WHY IS IT SO ASS???". There's an ipad which says "stupid fanfiction that isn't good but is bouncing around in my brain and won't leave". /END ID]

if you don't do anything else today,

Please have a moment of silence for the people who were killed instead of freed when news of emancipation finally reached the furthest corners of the american south.

have another moment for the ledgers, catalogs, and records that were burned and the homes that were destroyed to hide the presence of very much alive and still enslaved people on dozens of plantations and homesteads across the south for decades after emancipation.

and have a third moment for those who were hunted and killed while fleeing the south to find safety across the border, overseas, in the north and to the west.

black people. light a candle, write a note to those who have passed telling them what you have achieved in spite of the racist and intolerant conditions of this world, feel the warmth of the flame under your hand, say a prayer of rememberance if you are religious, place the note under the candle, and then blow it out.

if you have children, sit them down and tell them anything you know about the life of oldest black person you've ever met. it doesn't have to be your own family. tell them what you know about what life was like for us in the days, years, decades after emancipation. if you don't know much, look it up and learn about it together.

This is Juneteenth.

white people CAN interact with this post. share it, spread it.

MY VERY REAL AND VERY EPIC TRANSITION TIMELINE!!!!! (It actually hurt drawing me with boobs even though it's what I look like irl)

[I.D - a meme in which OP is in a transition timeline image, but it's drawn and both images are exactly the same; he looks like a blonde blue eyed girl in both images. The timeline is from 2021 to 2024, and it says My Transition Timeline!!! on the top followed by (FT.... uhh wait what). On the bottom panel of the image there's Peter Griffin, who has a speech bubble in which he says "Hello! This is Peter here to explain the joke. Basically, OP hasn't changed appearances at all between 2021 and 2024. He's a FTM guy who cannot express himself, and this post is basically a cry for help hidden under layers of irony." End I.D]

(Also if someone could tell me how to improve my image descriptions that'd be great cuz I'm not great at making them)