Badweatherbartender

Laid Bare

WinterIron, M, 2k - No-Powers AU, the DUMBEST soulmate AU you’ve ever seen

In theory, the moment you meet your soulmate you’re stripped of all your defenses, laid bare before them in a magical and romantic moment.

In practice… Tony is pissed. He’d really liked that suit.

(AKA the soulmate AU where you lose your clothes when you meet your soulmate. Yes you read that correctly. Don’t think about it too hard lort knows I didn’t)

You ever have an idea that’s so fantastically cracky you just HAVE to do it?

See what happened was…. I said to @saganarojanaolt, AS A JOKE, “Soulmate AU where your clothes vanish.” I’d like to blame her for enabling me but honestly this is mostly all me I just couldn’t stop ahahaha please… enjoy..?

Tony knows that Happy has been tactfully avoiding him since the latest incident, but he also knows that Happy is going to be in his office all day today. Tony has had Pepper saving up all of Happy’s paperwork all week to dump it on him today for just that reason, because Tony is tired of chasing him all over the place and Pepper has refused to help any more than that.

And JARVIS won’t help either, that traitor, just because Happy plays chess with the AI and never gets tired of being beat.

But now Happy has nowhere to run, he should be done with the interviews Tony saw on his calendar and just diving into the paperwork and Tony is ready to strike.

“Happy Harold Hogan,” Tony is already saying as he bursts into the office and oops, apparently Happy is not quite done with his last interview yet.

That seems the most likely reason for the man with the brand new suit and the broad shoulders standing across the desk from Happy, apparently forgetting that they were in the middle of shaking hands and jumping as he looks up at Tony with wide eyes. It’s too late to stop now though, Tony has been planning this speech for days, he is on a roll, so he just keeps right on going.

And honestly, if the guy is going to work here he deserves to know that his new boss is a lunatic. And yes, Tony does mean Happy and himself.

“I have a very important question for you,” Tony says, fixing his own attention on Happy again because he doesn’t need to add ‘eyes up the employees’ to this interesting first impression he’s making on the new hire here.

Happy is staring back at him with his mouth hanging open and his eyebrows slowly crawling up his forehead, which Tony is going to take as a sign that he doesn’t want the talking-to he’s about to get but that’s too bad.

“Why,” Tony demands, “am I still hearing that you’re frisking the delivery people? We talked about this. There’s 'taking security seriously’ and then there’s you and you are a lawsuit waiting to happen, stop-”

That’s about the time Tony notices Happy’s office is a lot cooler than he expected. And breezier. Which isn’t right, Tony is in a three piece suit today and he rushed down here before Happy had a chance to grab his paperwork and flee, so he glances dam at himself and sure enough-

“Oh come on,” Tony says, staring down at his own bare chest in dismay. And his bare legs. And his stupid novelty boxers. The cartoon platypuses smile back up at him from the neon blue fabric.

“Meetin’ your soulmate on laundry day, huh?” Says the other guy in the room, who is apparently Tony’s soulmate, and he sounds way too amused, “I used to have those nightmares.”

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badweatherbartender

6 months ago

live laugh love? nah, bite scream growl

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badweatherbartender

6 months ago

"Your 32 persuasion check doesn't mean shit to a 5 ton carnivorous lizard that can breathe lightning who sees you as a home intruder. Now make me a dexterity saving throw."

-our DM, curing a player of horny bard syndrome.

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badweatherbartender

5 months ago

every time you make freezer food for dinner instead of buying takeout like you actually want you should earn two hundred dollars cash and a round of applause

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