Bernatk - Heatherfield Citizen

Every breath is a second chance.

John Foreman

Life is like that... In the pause between two heartbeats, the curse of broken promises, foolish plans and bitter separation, is undone by the simplest notion of love.

wow, my tumblr turned 1 today! it's been a very beautiful and often uneventful year. despite all the controversies, i've closed a great year. thanks to the anonymous readers, the random likers, and most of all, my dearest 13 followers :) it's been superb. 

Starting University

When I was a child, I always said, that I want to be a mechanical engineer. I thought it's about designing cool aircrafts, spaceships, cars,iron man suits... Turns out, it's just a big load of maths.

I had this dream as a kid but in high school my visions for the future altered for numerous reasons: 1 - my very old friend, who is an utmost clever person (used to be a genetics professor (i'm not telling it to show off, just so that you can understand why his word mattered (level 3 ;)))), so he, told me, that there's "more" potential in me, than just being an ordinary engineer. I never quite understood what's ever so ordinary about a mechanical engineer btw... 2- my girlfriend told me the same. Well then I had to rethink my ideals, my reasons, everything. I realised, that there is actually much much more into life, than machines. (not according to Matrix)

But then, hereI am, studying mechanical engineering. It is actually a fun thing but I have so many other plans. Who knows if I'll wind up as a drop-out or not... Anyways, I feel, that if I'm here for once, then it's an opportunity. I don't want to let down the Great Organiser... I'll do my best, and we'll see what it turns out as.

...one day you love them and the next day you want to kill them a thousand times over.

What a mystery, this world…

Writer's note

It's been a long day. I've been called in to 2 job interviews, for which I'm happy beyond words but, other than that, oh boy, have I had a swell time?

I'll begin with something that's very close to me: literary work. Ever since I learnt how to write I've had a grand vision of my future. It's been my dream to be a great writer and I've always lived in this illusion that I'm good at it. But today I was rejected by a medium-sized company. No, not my professional application-- I wanted to be a volunteer. It's a quarterly magazine. So they said that they had my test writings checked by professionals and they found them inadequate in regards of grammar and authenticity.

The other thing is, well, literature, too. Remember when I said I've had this dream to be a great writer? Yeah, it pretty much fills every second minute of my waking hours. So here's the other story: Yesterday I recieved an answer to a query I sent to a seemingly fitting agent. She wrote that she feels honored (of course), that I contacted her, however, my work is not really for her. She (of course) encouraged me to keep on trying because she did not reject my book because of its general lack of genuineness but because of her own lack of enthusiasm about it. Yeah, it sucks. I know what you're thinking: Well what does one (1) agent matter anyway? Keep on trying, she said that too. So yes. Thank you. I've been trying. I've been trying for over a year with a total absence of fruition in any respect. I've re-written and polished my work but what does it matter now?

I've never said I'm a writer. Never to anyone. I've always believed humility is crucial and so I've never mentioned myself as a writer or artist. I didn't keep my writing a secret but I sure as rain was modest about it. Still, what I feel right now is this: I'm a complete wreck as a writer. Yeah, I'm a wreck that's for granted but why do I think I'm a writer. I never said I was and I've been constantly forcing myself not to consider myself as that. But in despair and disappointment my thoughts betray me. I'm just a sore loser and a presumptuous fool.

I'm not going to apologize for all the dismal things I've written because they aren't dismal. They're meant to teach you something. Well, who am I trying to lie to? They're meant to teach me something. Something I know and yet pretend to never have heard of. In all honesty I have a lot to learn and I've got to let go of big-faced concepts about myself. I'll be small. I'll remain small and I'll accept being that. I'm too young to be big and it takes some time to get rid of one's youth.

Absence of celebration

When I was in elementary school, my dad always took me to get some ice cream, when it vacation started, because of my good grades. But it stopped with the beginning of middle school. Ever since, my birthdays have been celebrated only with my family, only was celebrated my girlfriend with me in private. I also had this graduation supper, where I got to be but a mere guest. I know it's not bad and I could be very grateful for this and I guess this all's just 'coz my ego can grow very rapidly but still, sometimes I really want to be celebrated. Today, like an hour ago, I finished the revision of my book. It's not in the phase of getting published or anything, though I count it as a huge step. But I'm sitting in my room, alone, typing this entry. When I finished the first manuscript (a very raw one) i got to go on a walk alone in the park.

You know, I'm not trying to get your empathy. I don't really need that. It just hit me, that I can celebrate alone. And so I will. I've had enough of dreaming of this. You know, I'm a believer, so I wouldn't say, that it's my achievement, ergo I'll mostly celebrate my heavenly Father. He always amazes me. Just like with this.

Randomness rules!

The loser

"Only the losers win, they've got nothing to lose..." sings Jon Foreman. And I'm kind of beginning to understand it to its depths. It can be read in countless other ways and I'M certain, that even he meant a different message than what's coming over to me...

I'm studying mechanical engineering in a prestigious university, so I'm supposed to be overly into it but I'm not. I mean to some extent I am and I can wholeheartedly say, that I get pretty easily excited for it but then I always become utmost guilty. It's because I know what I'll do: I'll write. Novels. Good and/or bad ones. But this is what I'll do. Maybe later, if I can manage, I'll become director of films. Or anything else. I know this is  what I'm really supposed to do. It's not because it's easy to give up because it's not... But I'm doing it to truly be moving in the direction, for which I am born. I know it's confusing but the point is, I know, that this is the Heavenly Plan - at least for now... I just don't know when to start...

PS.: I must note, that Jon Foreman was a drop-out from uni :) ;)

Procrastinating and ending it

Yes, so I've been indulging myself with a lot of things lately just because everything was looking so very up. But this 'era of peace' is over. Not that something is spoiling my life's apparent balance, simply I am lusting for more concentrated self-induced chaos. By that I mean of course work. Unlike most modern artists, I wouldn't want to be given that free space for creativity, but I really wish to be active and not in only one field but in as many as I can possibly manage. Getting work done! starting TOMORROW! (for a fact)

Remember this: randomness rules ;)

Freedom

There are timeless books. Like Dostoyevsky's Crime and Punishment. It's not an easy read - it takes one some time to digest it. There are parts where you have to sleep before you'd continue. Sometimes it's inevitable to have some time to really understand a chain of thoughts.

Among many fantastic ideas and images, there's one thing I was really interested in while reading the book. Freedom. The freedom of will. Throughout the novel it seems, as if there's no choice, he has to do this or he has to say that. But it really isn't true. Raskolnikov always had the chance to stop, to change. I must admit I was profoundly worried as the unread part of the book kept thinning and yet, all the events, conversations and meditations seemed to disprove my belief.

It was until the last scene of Porfiry. He demanded the truth to be seen. He offered a choice, one that's always been present, even before the murder in the beginning of the book, and it was no else than holding on to foolish philosophies or letting go and free-falling into the frightening depths of salvation.

The whole story is an interesting idea. One does not have to commit such an obvious and terrible crime in order to be lost. Because freedom, like Raskolnikov's freedom, is basically just the freedom that a binary choice offers. It's a generally known fact that the world isn't black and white, so how could matters be so easy, as to say they're just the intersection of two ways. But they are. The quintessential of choices is just this question: salvation -- or this?

The 'this' of life is something we all know. It's all of our ideas, our self-made plans, which will be ridiculed sooner than we'd think. We have a grand plan individually designed for each and every one of us. Just as Raskolnikov always had the greatest thing in reach, we, too, have it right there. The most fantastic treasure of our lives, or the possibility of receiving it, is right around us. It's already delivered, we're just too eternally busy with our own thoughts that we began to believe, that we're not free to go for it. We began to believe there are things we have to do in order to-- But it's really just letting go of control and trying to fit into the Heavenly plan. It's always accessible, we're not required to be anywhere or anyone to be given it.