The piece I had in mind was Rachmaninov's Prelude in C-Sharp Minor.
Xanthus Claiborne x Reader
Xanthus plays the piano to express his emotions. You hear his pain.
Since your mission to take down the Trimedian, Xanthus had been distant.
You brushed it off at first, thinking he needed some time on his own to recover from the shock and the betrayal you knew he must have felt when he saw Audric again. People dealt with trauma in different ways, and while you felt safest wrapped in his arms, you recognized that having spent as much time relying solely on himself to deal with everything might have led Xanthus to need to process things on his own. You didn’t push.
He would come to you if he needed someone to hold on to. He would talk to you if he needed to express his emotions and just vent for a while. He would nuzzle his head into your shoulder and cry if he needed to, wouldn’t he?
Xanthus was always there for you when you woke up screaming from another nightmare or felt tears choking you as you thought back to the mission. He could feel your emotions, so he was next to you in an instant, gathering you into an embrace and making you feel safe, reminding you that it was over, that you were alright, promising he would not let anything happen to you. Never again.
Despite the bond, you had not felt any feeling of terror, anger, or sadness coming from Xanthus. It was almost as if he had blocked you out, stifled his emotions so they would not get to you.
While he tried to put up a cheerful facade around you, his smile never reached his eyes anymore and the faux levity he brought into the thick atmosphere that had appeared in the mansion made you all the more worried for him.
It did not help that his smile always dropped when you turned your back, and no matter how much effort he put into hiding it, the anguish in his ruby eyes could not be concealed.
The soft notes of the piano carried gently through the hallway as you descended the stairs. Xanthus played beautifully, despite insisting that he was severely out of practice and had forgotten a lot of techniques over the decades.
You walked quietly over to the living room, where the grand piano stood in front of the floor-length window. The flames in the open fireplace painted the room in a gentle light, illuminating the sheets Xanthus was reading from. You could not help but admire his form as he sat perched on the piano stool, moving his upper body in tandem with the notes he struck on the keys in Lento.
The melody switched suddenly from feeling like a gentle but tragic autumn breeze to a grave, hurried expression of despair and fear as the tempo picked up. The playing nearly felt chaotic, and it made your heart ache to see the earnestness with which Xanthus conveyed the heaviness of the piece.
To him, it expressed the disarray of his thoughts and feelings.
He had nearly lost you on the mission. He had put you in danger, even though you always reminded him that you had gone willingly, fully understanding the risk you were taking. It did not matter. When you were separated, he had failed to protect you. He had let you down.
He had broken his promise to you.
It kept him up at night, the memory of the fear he had felt and could sometimes still feel coming from you through the bond; the sound of Audric's smooth voice as he taunted him for his affection, his weakness.
The Agitato concluded as Xanthus struck the notes, making you wince at the burning anger you heard in them. They sounded nearly discordant from the force with which he played them.
No matter how loud he played, the echo of Audric's venomous laugh, the sound of your fearful breaths never left his mind.
As the tempo picked up again, Xanthus continued striking the keys, pouring his heart into the forte fortissimo and adding such melancholy and despair into his playing that pesante did not begin to cover the pain you could hear him express.
Tears gathered in your eyes at only being able to guess at the anguish he was going through because Xanthus simply would not talk to you. Maybe he would, in his own time, but only watching and hearing him suffer through everything alone made your heart break regardless. The notes he played on the piano were the only expression of his grief you had been witness to.
The volume decreased slowly, with a few changes of rhythm. Xanthus sighed as he played Lento, the last notes of the piece carrying through the room like a whisper of defeat.
“I can hear your heartbeat, you know,” he whispered into the heavy silence stretching across the room, “It’s quite distracting when I try to keep the rhythm.” Xanthus turned around on the stool, the light of the fireplace reflecting in his eyes and painting his face in a warm glow.
You could see the gravity the gaze levelled at you and came closer, brushing your hand along his cheek in a gentle caress. “You play beautifully,” you told him, bending down to place a tender kiss against his lips.
Xanthus hummed into the kiss, a small smile appearing on his face as you broke apart. “I have you to be my muse, love,” he said, placing his hand over yours to pepper soft kisses against your palm.
“It was rather heavy, though.”
“Rachmaninov told a suffocating tale in it, yes,” Xanthus conceded, standing up to guide you to the sofa facing the fireplace. “That doesn’t make it any less of a masterpiece. The tragedy and despair conveyed so candidly— they make it one of the most emotional pieces I have ever played.”
You took hold of his hands, beginning to play with his fingers and rubbing your thumbs against his joints. A pianist's hands ached after playing difficult pieces, you had read somewhere. “You know I’m here if you need me, right?” you asked quietly, looking him in the eyes.
His gaze softened as he leaned over to kiss you again. “I know, love,” he whispered, resting his forehead against yours, “Thank you.”
The two of you stayed cuddled together for the rest of the evening, gazing into the flames.
“Why don’t you play Liszt’s Campanella next time?” you teased after a while, raising one of his hands to your lips.
“Very funny, love.”
Someone draw isaac like this please
Genre: fluff/comfort
c/w: implied/mentions of trauma, abuse, assault themes
a/n: I wrote this at 3am while I'm the kitchen because a spider was in my bedroom
‧͙⁺˚*・༓☾ ☽༓・*˚⁺‧͙
Isaac had never been one to be very affectionate, he was a very busy man with work and such. It would often only range from small hugs before he left for work to spooning while you both slept, it was never more than that. This however, it made you feel a little insecure, making your mental health slightly decrease.
You were alone at home, the house was empty. Isaac was working late and your thoughts were bearing down on you, chomping away at you. You were tired, your eye bags showing the extent of worry and stress you felt.
Your mental health had just been plumeting lately with thoughts of how Isaac may leave you. He knew you were often worried and over thought this. Due to your last and past relationships, he always tried to put things right between the two of you, never wanting you to feel left out or alone at all. He was there for you and wanted you to feel loved despite him not showing it very often.
You sighed, the sunset turning into a watercoloured scene, the colours blurred nicely into each other. Yet it felt so lonely. Your hands slowly slid up to your face and hid it, you then felt the warmth of tears burning your palms.
The scene was emotional to anyone who saw it while peering up at the window at you. The apartment was large and had large windows, allowing anyone outside to look up inside. You sighed and looked at your phone, Isaac hadn't messaged yet.
You stood up and wiped away your tears while you crouched and got a start on dinner. It would probably go cold before Isaac got back again. Yet.. you would still cook, the food hot in the pan while you made a simple recipe.
You didn't know if Isaac would even be coming home tonight. The thoughts were making you spiral and you soon became emotional, tears forming again as you cried. Your body slumped to the floor, spoon in hand and your arms still half folded on the counter. You looked so done.
You hadn't even noticed Isaac had walked through the door due to this. As soon as he saw you, his eyes widened and he quickly put down his things and came over. His hand pat your shoulder and he crouched to your level, his hands sliding to your face as he looked at you.
"Oh love.."
He sighed in a soft way, his large hands held your cheeks either side of your face, tracing your scars and such as you cried, your hands angrily and uncontrollably trying to push him away but he didn't care and pulled you in for a hug, he knew you needed it, as soon as he felt your body melt against his.
"I've got you.. I've got you shh shh shh.. Let me take care of you"
You had never felt him be so touchy, it made you almost calm immediately. Hands calmly touched you and lifted your body into his large, muscled arms. He sat down on the sofa and grabbed a blanket, wrapping you up and cuddling you. You let him do whatever he pleased at this point, you craved this comfort.
"Such a good pet for me. There you go, calm.."
He smiled softly and kissed your head, letting you rest in his lap. The rain outside gently hit the windows and added to the comfort, the tv quietly playing an animal documentary that both you and Isaac watched. His hands played with your hair while you came down from your meltdown, soft hair stayed in between his fingers as you both fell asleep.
The image of you both passed out and exhausted on the sofa would never not be cute or funny. Your face was red and teary, yet hidden in Isaacs chest your breath warm. Isaac meanwhile was holding your waist with one hand and one on the back of your head. Neither of you heard his phone ringing later that night. You both deserved this break and Isaac finally having time to touch you (he was most definitely ignoring the call)
Maybe you are made to be loved, you deserve this after everything.
‧͙⁺˚*・༓☾ ☽༓・*˚⁺‧͙
a/n: AH, I'm so sorry this is so short I have such bad writers block 😭 I'm probably going to write a part 2 where he takes you for a day out
Maybe you can write about xanthus calming listener down from a panic attack? :)
𝐖𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐖𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐒𝐥𝐞𝐞𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐠 ♥ Xanthus
˜”* ❝𝙒𝙝𝙞𝙡𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙬𝙚𝙧𝙚 𝙨𝙡𝙚𝙚𝙥𝙞𝙣𝙜, 𝙄 𝙛𝙚𝙡𝙡 𝙞𝙣 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚.❞
⎯⎯ ୨ ୧ ⎯⎯
ꜱʏɴᴏᴘꜱɪꜱ: xᴀɴᴛʜᴜꜱ ᴄᴏᴍꜰᴏʀᴛꜱ ʏᴏᴜ.
⎯୨⎯ " " ⎯୧⎯
Everything was so slow, blurry, harsh. You were cold with the only warmth being from your tears. There wasn’t an exact reason you were acting this way, it wasn’t usual. You tried to keep it all in but it just spilled. Breathing was short and painful. It felt like some type of torture.
Nobody saw you. It was just you, alone. Dontis was busy, Fran was outside, and Xanthus… Oh, Xanthus. He was probably feeling what you felt at this moment. Xanthus was most definitely panicking.
There wasn’t much to see since your vision was blurry and your ears felt like they’d been muffled but you did hear a frantic tapping.
“Love?”
You looked to your right and saw what would look like Xanthus if your tears weren’t in the way. He’s never seen you like this and you didn’t ever want him to.
“Xanthus.”
Your body started shaking like you were about to collapse.
“Hey, hey. It’s okay, love.”
Xanthus rushed to your side and held you. He guided you to bed and tucked you in. You wiped some of your tears, clearing everything up and when you did you saw that pitiful look on Xanthus’ face. You could tell he felt hurt seeing you like this.
“I’m sor–”
“Don’t apologize, love. Are you okay?”
You looked at his face which was painted with concern. A wave of emotion hit you and your tears began to fall again. Xanthus held you tighter and wiped your tears. He didn’t know what was happening but wanted to help and be there.
︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵
After finally settling down, you were laying in silence with Xanthus. There wasn’t anything you really wanted to say. Your tears had made you exhausted and Xanthus could see that.
Xanthus positions himself so he can see you better, “Love?”
“Hm?”
“If you were worried about something, you would tell me, right?”
You didn’t reply. Anything would be wrong. ‘Yes’, No. ‘No’, Yes.
“Love.”
“It depends.” You answer.
“If you had another one of these, would you tell me?”
Would you? That was the question. The question you truly didn’t have the answer to.
Xanthus saw the look on your face. He sighed before lying back down.
“Goodnight, love. I love you,” He said before kissing your forehead. He didn’t expect a reply. You normally don’t say anything after he says ‘I love you’. It didn’t make him upset. He understood.
You didn’t go to sleep until he fell asleep. And before you did,
“I love you too, Xanthus.”
But of course,
Xanthus doesn’t sleep before you.
i think i went off script.... oopsie. anyway i felt like xanthus should make a comeback since the last time i wrote for him was my first post... ANYWAY i hope u liked reading this as much as i liked writing it
(and i pray that saku isn't lurking at this very moment.)
Tired Smoking
Following your boss bad habit
⁺˚⋆。°✩₊✦ ⁺˚⋆。°✩₊✦ ⁺˚⋆。°✩₊✦
A day off.
It’s been a few weeks after Vic’s dead and Isaac is finally starting to be like himself again. The smell of cigarettes is gone as also empty bottles of whisky staking on the kitchen table.
But you, yourself seem to drift of more from yourself. But lucky you have a day of tomorrow since Isaac wanted prepare the garden for the season change.
It’s 2 am and as you enjoyed your own company since Isaac was not around. You had a great time though watching movies, a nice cup of tea, sweets, reading in your room and following your own hobbies.
Since you planned on staying up all night you decided to grab a few sweets to look up to the sky. It’s strangely something you find to enjoy after you got here… well rather brought here.
On your way to the kitchen and back. Passing the living room. You assumed Isaac was asleep since there are no lights on in the studies nor anywhere else, still it gave you a reason to be extra quiet.
You couldn’t help yourself but smile as you think of him… but he seems so distance. You knew why but still gave it your all… asking him what his favorite fruits are so you could do a cake out of it… what his favorite dish is… favorite tea… and favorite sweets. He appreciated your comfort but it didn’t do much… and you just reminded yourself of what you got yourself into. You snap back to reality standing in the living-room. You sigh as you spot a package of cigarettes on the sofa. He probably forgot them but you had this urge to smoke even though you hated them and never smoked in your life… staying 10m away after he had his cigarette break because the smell was EW !!!
You grab the package and it was already half empty… next to it the lighter and it was blue … like the color of his mothers favorite flower… „blue orchids“ what a surprise. You took one out and told yourself that if it helps Isaac to forget it will help you too.
A small light appears in the dark room, bringing it closer to your mouth as a quiet “psh” sound tickels your ears. A small inhale and coughs leaving your lungs as you cover your mouth to stay quiet… it feels DISGUSTING !!! you did it again but less coughing.
Now you’re on the floor of the living-room smoking as eating the candy’s as you look up to the sky… the stars are beautiful. Thinking about your life, the cases, your work, the moments the two of your shared and ofc.. him. The cigarette slowly loses fire but you inhale it one more time.
As suddenly the lights turn on… the window reflecting a tall figure. oh oh
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OMG HEY I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD DO THIS BUT I HOPE YOU ENJOY… ITS MY FIRST TIME WRITING ANYTHING SO PLEASE BE NICE !!! So I wanted to start easy more a listener view since yk I thought it would be interesting
How is the „ai generator“ ad allowed on here help pls 😭😭😭
Yo it’s me AGAIN WITH A XANTHUS IDEA !!! so I am an artist (I know you are too) and what if Xanthus sees your art ? The listener has been hiding it from him since the listener is afraid of Xanthus opinion !!! LIKE CMON Xanthus has his own art gallery and he has seen many art pieces ? So once the listener was alone in the room, listening to music and then OH NO ??? Xanthus sees your sketches ?!? But the listener doesn’t notice him for a while and Xanthus just watches them draw :0
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[ᴘʀᴏᴍᴘᴛ] xᴀɴᴛʜᴜꜱ ꜱᴇᴇɪɴɢ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴀʀᴛ ꜰᴏʀ ᴛʜᴇ ꜰɪʀꜱᴛ ᴛɪᴍᴇ.
a/n: I LOVE THIS REQUEST SM !! i actually freaked out a little when i saw it because it describes EXACTLY me ?! like i dont show my art to anyone because of judgement also, so i was like WOAH im gonna love writing this, tysm birdy <3 !! gender neutral reader ! i tried not to label the drawing too much, so you can just imagine you drawing whatever you want :)
c/w: none just tooth rotting fluff ;p
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Everything was perfect today.
You in the private room in the gallery, and Xanthus touring people around, showing off the art he has collected over the years of his lifetime. The weather was lovely for once, considering it was London, and the music in your ears set the mood perfectly. It was the most perfect day.
Xanthus has been out for a while, probably in one of his cute rambles about an artist he knew to one of his guests, so you took this opportunity to grab the sketchbook you'd hid in your bag, and sketch for a while. Grabbing one of the pencils that Xanthus had in his draw, you got comfortable at the desk and started to sketch, putting on one of your favorite songs as you do.
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You hadn't realised how much time had passed, as once you start drawing your mind goes elsewhere, letting your deft hands have a mind of their own as they move along the page.
Xanthus had finished touring a few guests by now, and went to go check up on you. Going up the stairs to the door and opening it carefully in case he startles you.
"Love? I'm sorry for leaving you for so long, these particular guests wanted to know everything about John Costable's art piece of Stratford Mill, and to say I got carried away would be an understatement." He chuckles a bit as he speaks, closing the door behind him. He didn't notice what you were doing until he looked up, seeing the back of your head down on the desk in concentration, headphones in and your focus sharp.
He makes an "ohhh" sound under his breath as he nods to himself, acknowledging you and your focus. He stands there for a few moments, just admiring you, before slowly walking up behind you, trying not to alarm you. You don't seem to notice him at all as he stands behind you. He starts to peer over your shoulder, before gasping a little.
Your art is there on the table, in plain sight for him to see. He stands there just staring, picking out all the details you add and your art style, admiring it in a trance. This is the first time he has been able to see your art in full detail. The first few times hes only seen a glimpse before you realise hes there and covering it away from his view, and saying it's just "nothing important". But now, he has a full view of it.
Standing behind you, he watches you for a while, cherishing this one moment where he can see your passion in its true form. He watches how your skilful hands carefully move across the page, holding the pencil precisely in place as you draw. Attentively sketching light thin lines with the led from the pencil, adding little details where needed. Xanthus almost seems to be entranced, as hes never seen this side of you before. He feels like he is watching you for hours, just you and him in your own world.
As you add the last few lines, you put your pencil down on the desk and seem to check it over, making sure you haven't missed anything. Xanthus watches you carefully, admiring the finished page as he feels proud of your work. He smiles to himself, resisting the urge to hug you from behind as he wants this moment to last a bit longer. He pays attention to the way your head tilts to the side slightly, looking at the drawing from all angles. His heart swells seeing this, finding this action adorable, feeling all warm inside.
You sigh, and lean back in the chair as you finish, accidentally leaning the back of your head against Xanthus' abdomen. He hadn't realised how close he had gotten until now. You move quickly, turning around as you look up to see who is there, taking your headphones off and putting them on the desk. There stands Xanthus, a warm smile on his face as you acknowledge his presence at last.
Your eyes go wide as you go to close the sketchbook as quickly as you can, before turning back round and playing it off.
"Xanthus hey your back! Have you uhm- been there the whole time?" You ask nervously, your voice shaking a little. "Pray tell he hasn't seen anything." You think as you wait for his response.
He smiles warmly as he reaches out to stroke your head a little, "Love, your art is stunning, why didn't you show me sooner?" He asks, as he watches your expression change.
"I uhm..." You start, looking down. There's no way of getting out of this if he's already seen it. "Well, I just...uh" You struggle to get the words out as he looks at you intently, trying to form an answer.
"I just thought that, because you've seen so much art in your lifetime, and obviously I- I'm not like all the other artists in this gallery, I just... I was afraid of your...opinion on it, you know? Because you have a lot of art experience with other artists and I just thought- mph.."
He hushes you with a kiss to stop your rambling, stroking your face as he does. He pulls back and smiles, looking you in the eye.
"Love, I've already told you this, I don't judge. Remember when you first came here and I was showing you art, and I asked you what you see, what did I say after that?"
You swallow nervously as you recall the memory. "I am the last to judge." You say as you repeat what he said.
He kisses you on the cheek. "Exactly, and I meant that, truly. I don't just like full pieces of art, you know. I appreciate all the art humans make. Even sketches like yours, my love." He kisses you. "You don't have to be scared to show me. This," He points to the sketchbook, "Is truly remarkable, love. I must admit, I was in quite the trance watching you work, and the feeling I felt watching you was just...it was lovely. I felt proud, even." He smiles. "So please, love, don't feel like you need to hide this from me. I would never judge art, especially yours, how could I? Art is truly a blessing, and I could never judge you for it, my love."
You just stare at him as he holds your hands. You can't hold back the smile you feel coming on to your lips, as you launch yourself into his arms, hugging yourself into his chest. He chuckles a little as he hugs you back, kissing the top of your head.
You pull your head up, still holding on to him as you look at him.
"Thank you, Xanthus, really." He smiles as he pulls you in for a kiss, before whispering against your lips.
"It's alright, love, I'll always support you."
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i loved writing this, its such a cute ask especially because im an artist as well <3 thank you for requesting birdy !
-Jasper
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Pls we life laugh love Xanthus …. bless us with Xanthus 🧛🏻
Fr, fr Xanthus is the standard that man can wipe a whole Lineage just for you. He is the type that would give you the most finest jewelry that even the other elders is very desperate to get. He is the type that looovvessss your kisses than blood something about your kisses that make his legs weak and eyes dilated. He is basically a combination of a cute cat and sly fox. He has 2 side one is very spicy and one is very sweet and romantic at Heart. Sometimes he would get tease on how he is wrapped around your fingers and how he is the ONE who wrapped himself on and you can destroy him and he would still crawl back to your hands. He protect you with all of his might just say a thing and you can have it just say a word, just say it and everything. So yes live love laugh Xanthus our Blood sucker future husband
I go thinking that i'll write one fanfic and swerve into the vibe of another. I apologise for when I post this I just kinda love the angsty vibes. Hopefully I can get this done by next week. shout out to my mutual Birdy <3 got me into the vibe of writing a Xanthus fic.
Xanthus and Dontis in Part 9 Had me dead asf
Ya’ll remember back in Part nine where Dontis and Xanthus were captured in that enclosure? And Xanthus was tweakin tf out while Dontis was trying his best to get him to calm down?
YA’LL. The way I couldn’t BREATHE????
‘Cause ya’ll know what that reminds me of?? The dynamic between big and small dogs.
Ya’ll know what I’m talking about! Them big ass, scary looking dogs with them deep ass, loud ass, rumbling barks—those ones with sharp teeth and an intimidating but mesmerizing stare? Like YEAH, they LOOK scary, but in reality they’re the CHILLEST dogs out there!
Then you got them cute lil’ small dogs, with short legs—those ones that prance rather than walk—and will have you baby talking them and petting them??? AND THEN THEY END UP BEING THE AGGRESSIVE ONES?
I can’t help but think about Xanthus and Dontis when I think about big and small dogs, bro. Xanthus would most definitely be one of them smaller dogs who’d bark at anything at moves. And Dontis would definitely be one of them big ass, scary lookin dogs that’d probably just stare at the little dog barking its head off before he just yawns and goes back to sleep.
It doesn’t help that Dontis is literally like 6’2-6’3, while Xanthus is like—5’8. Lmao, I know they’re both in a life or death situation, and Xanthus had every right to freak out, but the way it was delivered absolutely sent tf outta me😭
And thinking about how their dynamic at that point is kinda similar to the dynamics big dogs and small dogs share only makes me laugh harder!
(Also, I’m not saying that all small dogs are aggressive and all big dogs are calm—like, that’s not like how it is all the time—but I do see it a lot)
Isaac asks for a relationship that is entirely professional. You oblige, to both your disappointment.
Isaac Rhoades x Reader
Warnings: talk of insomnia
“I just thought—” you began hesitantly, moving the tray of cinnamon swirls closer to Isaac, prompting him to take a second one. The placating motion did nothing to ease the frown on his face. His hard stare remained fixed on you, annoyed and dismissive. You felt your heart sinking and averted your eyes.
Isaac hummed unbothered as if he couldn’t care less about your request to spend time together — as if he did not care in the slightest to entertain your pathetic longing for human company. “I’m busy, you know,” he said by way of dismissal and pushed the plate of freshly baked cinnamon swirls back towards you.
After a bit of prying, you had found out that his mother used to make them when he felt sad and — with the anniversary of his parent’s death so recent — you wanted to cheer him up and surprise him with his comfort food. Isaac did not appreciate your efforts, evidently.
You tried to take the blunt rejection of both your company and care for him in stride, but you could not suppress the tight clench of your jaw as your heart squeezed painfully in your chest. “If I overstepped the other day in the garden,” you said slowly, raising your gaze to meet Isaac’s and show him the sincerity of your apology, “I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable in any way. I—”
“It’s fine,” he said curtly, rising from his seat at the table and straightening his tie. “Think nothing of it. It was a lapse of judgment on both parts. We can pretend it never happened.”
“But I actually—”
“No,” Isaac interrupted, holding up a hand to silence you, “our relationship is strictly professional and I intend to keep it that way. I’m sorry, but I am in no way interested in anything more. There is nothing between us. Understand?”
Isaac’s stare burned into you and you swallowed thickly, hiding how much his words hurt. “I understand,” you said in a tone so calm and drained of feeling it took Isaac aback.
He blinked in surprise, no longer used to your flat tone and apathetic stare. ‘Sir’ hung unsaid in the air between you. Isaac cleared his throat to break the loaded silence stretching across the house again.
You got up from your seat, brushing down the front of your clothes. “Well, as you said, my services will not be needed on my day off. I will be in the library should you change your mind,” you said tonelessly, leveling Isaac stoically.
There was a glint of worry in his eyes, a chip in his armor you could only spot because you had spent many hours with him, paying close attention to his expressions and mannerisms. Isaac looked unsure. His mouth was slightly agape, but whatever he wanted to say was buried a moment later, hidden behind the thick wall of nonchalance and indifference he put up.
The crack in his mask was sealed, and expressionless eyes met your own.
“Happy reading.”
Isaac thought he knew what loneliness felt like — he had lived in solitude for years now — but no amount spent on his own had prepared him for the heart-wrenching sorrow he felt as you continuously brushed him off, retreating into yourself and being the strict definition of utterly professional.
He felt hollow, watching you set the table with only one plate for him to eat at alone, hearing your monotonous voice ask him if he would prefer rice or pasta, seeing your lips twist in a polite but ingenuous smile as you greeted him in the mornings, handing him his coffee and disappearing to start on your daily chores.
There had been no sweets, nor snacks you would prepare for him and shily requested he give you feedback on. There were no little bursts of light throughout his day as your paths crossed and you shot him a smile or playful wink.
There were no intimate moments between you two where you would look at him with an open, vulnerable expression and rest your head against his chest as you told him about your past. There was no tender, featherlight caress of your fingers on his cheeks as he revealed some of his fears and troubles to you.
You had shut him out, adhering to the boundaries he had impulsively set as his anxieties got the better of him. Now he was left with the consequences of pushing you away.
‘There is nothing between us,’ he had said, but why was his heart breaking every time you looked at him with your cold stare and turned your back a moment later? Why was he lying awake at night, his mind occupied only with thoughts of you as the devouring feeling of loneliness and loss swelled in his chest and choked him? Why was he missing you so terribly that it made tears gather in his eyes when you had your back turned?
It was pathetic, and one night, after you had shot down his concern for the dark circles under your eyes and told him it should be of no matter as long as you performed your duties to his standard, he recognized his sentiment to be a lie.
There was something between you. There had to be because the sinking feeling as you, clearly hurting, turned away once more tore him to shreds. There was no other explanation for it, but Isaac was afraid of what that realization brought with it.
He was afraid that the admission to his all-encompassing love for you would be the very thing that destroyed him. Everyone he loved was gone, and he felt his hands beginning to shake at the thought that you — now among those he adored — would meet the same fate because he was too slow, too weak, too incompetent to protect you.
Still, there was only so much hollowness he could endure, and the loneliness engulfing him was so acute that it had begun hurting to exist in the house. Your brief company somehow made him feel the loneliest of all.
A quiet sound of protest came from one of the corners of the library as Isaac switched off the light. “Sorry,” he apologized tiredly, turning the light back on to look at you, huddled on the small sofa with a blanket around you and a book in your hands. Judging by the cover, it was Frankenstein. “I thought you had already gone to bed and left the light on by mistake. I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
You glanced at the clock on the wall and sighed. It was late. However, something kept you from sleeping for the past few weeks, and no matter how tired you were, it was nearly impossible for you to doze off. At times, when the morning sun was slowly rising over the horizon and the first rays illuminated the dark blue of night, it felt like you were too tired to fall asleep.
“No worries,” you said curtly, resuming your reading, “I will make sure to turn off the light when I go up in a minute. Good night.”
The lie rolled off your tongue as if it were nothing. Isaac did not move from his place in the doorway. You knew he knew that you couldn’t sleep. It was evident in your appearance, your red eyes with dark bags beneath them that looked more like bruises with every passing day. The soft footsteps he could hear pacing around the house at night when you were too restless to sit down. He would be a lousy private investigator if he had not noticed your insomnia coming back in full force.
“I—” he said into the silence, making you look towards him.
“It is rather late,” you answered, trying to discourage Isaac from starting any conversation. In truth, it hurt having him near you when he was seemingly an infinity away, hidden behind some brick wall he had put up to keep the world out — you included.
It was his decision, and after the kiss, or as he called it, a ‘lapse of judgment,’ you did not think it right to push his boundaries after he had so clearly told you and shown you with his actions, that he wanted nothing but a professional relationship with you. It made your heart crack, but you were adamant to give him only what he asked for, only as much as he wanted from you. It made the situation somewhat bearable to know it was what he wanted.
Isaac cleared his throat, stepping further into the room. “I know, but I— It’s just that you—” he stuttered, suddenly nervous at confronting you. “You haven’t been—”
“Well, I certainly am tired,” you said, marking the book to set it on the small table beside the couch and rising from your comfortable cocoon to fold the blanket neatly and place it over the back of the couch.
“Wait, I—”
“Good night then, boss.” You brushed past him and kept walking towards the door, but a hand on your wrist stopped you. “Don’t forget to turn off the light,” you said, fighting against the urge to lean into Isaac’s light touch. It wasn’t professional. That was not what he wanted. There was nothing between you.
“Don’t call me that, Pickle,” he said quietly, his thumb tracing small circles against your wrist. “I haven’t been— Our relationship has not been strictly business for a while now. It never was to begin with.”
“I thought that was what you wanted out of me,” you answered, unable to keep your voice from breaking as Isaac raised your hand to his lips, softly kissing the back of your hand. “You said—”
“I was wrong,” he said quickly, his eyes so earnest that you could not help but believe him, “I was scared that I would get too close to you after the kiss and then you would— you would leave me and— I don’t think I can go through that again, losing a person I love.”
At Isaac‘s words, something within you broke.
Tears began welling up in your eyes and you stepped closer to wrap your arms around him in a tight embrace, which he returned immediately. It felt so good to have him close to you again, his fingers running soothingly along your back as you could feel his elevated heartbeat pounding in his chest.
“You love me?”
Isaac swallowed, squeezing you tighter and pulling you even closer to him as he steeled himself. “I do,” he said shakily, but the truth of his words was evident in the underlying confidence with which he delivered them, “and I’m sorry I made you doubt that. I’m sorry I pushed you away and dismissed our relationship as a mere work association when it has always been more than that. I— I was scared and I didn’t know what to do after you— after what you did for me and—“
You leaned back enough to meet his gaze. “Can I kiss you?” you asked, longing to do it properly this time, wanting to erase the bitter taste of rejection that had accompanied the feeling of Isaac’s lips on yours.
“Please,” he whispered, inclining his head as you moved to meet his lips.
Suffice it to say, with Isaac lying next to you in his soft double bed — him pulling you close and whispering sweet nothings into the darkness of night as your head rested on his chest and his arms were securely wrapped around you — you fell asleep almost immediately.
Isaac smiled, placing a kiss against the top of your head as he listened to your breathing even out.