He’s A Successful Novelist He’s A Criminal He’s The Mayor He’s A Father Figure He’s A Short

DA Romances as Told by Marriage Tweets

Alistair

[Wedding] Priest: They’ve written their vows.

HoF: *recites beautiful vows*

Alistair: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount.

Zevran

Zevran: My partner messaged me to say they’re excited to have barbecue ribs with me tonight, so I made sure to compliment their sexting skills. 

Morrigan

Child: *crying because it isn’t her turn with the tiara*

Morrigan: ‘Tis important to share, girl.

HoF: You’re 35. Give her the tiara.

Leliana

Leliana: I’m secretly investigating how many decorative pillows I can put around the house until my wife loses her shit.  Current count: 23.

Anders

[RSVPing to party]

Hawke: *whispers into phone* Is it ok if I bring my weird roomate?

Anders: *from behind* STOP CALLING ME THAT!

Isabela

Hawke: I’m glad I got married.  Everyone deserves a sidekick!

Isabela: Good point, Robin.

Merrill 

Hawke: We need milk, eggs, and bread. Write it down.

Merril: No need. I’ll remember!

Hawke: [one hour later] What’d you get?

Merrill: A panda!

Sebastian

Hawke: Until I got married, I didn’t know it was possible to chew gum arrogantly.

Fenris

Fenris: We got invited to two parties this weekend.

Hawke: Wow. We finally have friends.

Fenris: We’re skipping both, right?

Hawke: Obviously.

Solas

Inquisitor: I’m still waiting for my husband to apologize for what he did in my dream last night.

Sera

Sera: *pulls back curtain while wife is in shower* Are we - stop screaming, its just me - Are we out of Cheetos?

Cullen

Cullen: [Leaving for work] *gives wife quick kiss* *spends 10 minutes saying bye to the dog*

Bull

Bull: You gonna drink that entire bottle of wine?

Inquisitor: You didn’t marry no quitter

Bull: *nods* My Queen.

Dorian

Inquisitor: I love you.

Dorian: You should. I’m a goddamn miracle. 

Cassandra

Cassandra: *watches Inquisitor sleep* I just love him so much. He’s my everyth-

Inquisitor: *snores*

Cassandra: I CAN’T LIVE LIKE THIS.

Josephine

Josephine: *Runs back into house which is on fire*

Inquisitor: What are you doing?!

Josephine: I just wanted to straighten up a little before the firemen get here.

Blackwall

Inquisitor: My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent, but I can take care of his children daily. 

Let's try this again

imagine being illario and finally finding the resolve to kill your cousin right. you seduce and fuck a blood mage venatori magister to get her to do this for you. you figure you’ll eventually kill her once you are first talon, tie up the loose end and make it look good for you. a vengeance story! except when your cousin’s body shows up your grandma retreats into herself presumably out of grief and you’re like jesus christ he’s a corpse and still the favorite. at this point you start feeling some regret and at the wake you’re beside yourself. it helps to be really feeling some of that to fool everyone else. but months pass and your grandma still isn’t even discussing the inheritance and you have to be normal because you don’t want to incriminate yourself. and then a year later some random guy (worse if its a de riva tbh) shows up saying they need your cousin to kill an elven god (what.) and he’s the only one who could (insulting). and its at this point your grandma is like “lucanis died… but he is not dead!”. record scratch freezeframe. while you juggle with the fact that the freak woman you fucked specifically to get her to kill your cousin didn’t even kill your cousin AND your grandma didn’t bother telling you (for good reason ofc but she doesn’t know that), you have to lead these assholes to go save him and unravel your hard work. so plan b. you kidnap your grandma and push your (now possessed) cousin away (and then get mad when he actually walks away. because you’re like this). and when your cousin comes dangerously close to figuring out what’s happened with you and the magister, you kill the magister. you ally with those elven gods and venatori (you aren’t sure how you’re going to get out of this one but it’s fine. that’s a hill for future illario) to make sure you have enough backing to stand up against the other houses if they challenge you becoming first talon. you continue to gaslight your cousin into staying away, because if there is one thing you can count on, it’s his literal inner demons and total lack of a support group, you’re certain he’ll fuck it up by himself. you know this because his support group used to be your grandma (dubious) and yourself (lol). you’re almost home free. and caterina will definitely acknowledge you as a player on the board. which isn’t important but it would be nice, right. BUT THEN IT TURNS OUT. YOUR COUSIN HAS RECENTLY MADE 7 FRIENDS. one of whom can speak to the fucking dead because of course he can. and then some of those friends show up to publicly humiliate you at the dinner party that should have been YOUR crowning moment. your grandma ALSO shows up to tell everyone you have gathered that your cousin is first talon. your cousin gapes at her because he doesn’t actually even want it so it’s kind of awkward for everyone. and then when you’re sure he’s about to ask viago de riva to poison you to death, he actually tells him just to take you away. because OF COURSE he’s being the bigger person. anyways the point is i’m surprised illario just lets himself be taken away because if i were him i would have started biting people and then bombed the villa

thinking about atla thematics as usual and fascinated by how many fans insist they wanted aang to “grow up” more at the end of the series without considering how one of the show’s major themes is the terrible ways war and imperialism rob people of their childhoods. one of aang’s major gifts to every single character is restoring a piece of their lost or stolen or brutalized childhood. aang reminds katara there’s still joy in the world, and fuels her hope.

he brings wonder to sokka’s life with his flying bison. he sees zuko not as a terrifying enemy but as a boy he might have been friends with and had fun with, he offers toph a way out of her repressive home to have the adventures she’d been longing for, and all these characters rise to fulfill their destinies through honoring their inner child - the parts of themselves that are hopeful, kind, gentle, fierce, innocent, deserving of protection - and breaking the cycles of violence and abuse that interrupted their childhoods. azula was convinced she had no need for her inner child, and killed aang in cold blood in ba sing se, after which she slowly but surely lost everything she cared about, including her sense of self.

and finally, aang shows ozai mercy, thematically reminding the latter that the children he tried to kill and brutalize are a force capable of rising above petty violence, and reshaping the world. you could even argue that the original rupture in the mythos was when both sozin and the air nation sought to rob a child of their right to childhood - sozin by hunting a child, the air nomads by hastening aang out of his childhood so he could help them - and that balance is restored when aang, who represents the world’s lost gentleness and mercy, and upholds values that a war torn world regards as “childish” and “immature”, manages to end the war with a gesture that honors those values and affirms everyone’s right to a safe and loving childhood, to a life free of violence.

A silly guide to the Vorkosigan saga by tumblr user eponymous-rose. The reading-order guide I referred to up there is here!

Yay, more people in fandom!

STRANGER THINGS LOCKSCREENS! ⚡

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📸: Credits to BossLogic

🌼 Maybe - Flower Face

beauyasha spin kiss, drawn as the april request poll reward for my patreon (link in my about!)

Average leverage episode

Victim: please mr. Leverage. They bought my orphanage and they’re going to sell all the orphans I need you to stop them

Nate “Leverage” Leverage: I think we can get you some… leverage

Sophie: I’m going to start a bullshit argument now

Nate: please dont

Sophie: it’s going to last the whole episode

Nate: 🙄women (laughtrack)

Hardison: alright this is our mark Mr. Monopoly. He owns 16 weapons companies and took in 100000 billion million dollars last year. He just got into the orphan business and on the weekends he plays puppy golf.

Parker: whats puppy golf

Hardison: it’s like golf but you use puppies

Elliot: I’ve seen it. (snifffs deeply) not fun

Hardison: this guys ruthless. we’re going to be exploiting his one weakness. He really likes having a lot of money

Sophie: how?

Nate: we go steal an abstract concept

*they steal an abstract concept*

The mark: hello. I was impressed by your ownership of an abstract concept

Sophie: we’ll give you 50 trillion dollars for the orphanage

Mark: Zamn!!!

Sophie: 😏 we got him

*1 day later*

Sophie: here’s the 50 trillion dollars (holds up briefcase full of crimes)

The mark: I don’t want your money any more. I have a new plan. I’m goijng to dress all the orphans in hot dog costumes and start a theme park

Sophie: 😦

Elliot: we’re blown

Nate: Sophie throw the briefcase 💼 in the lake

Mark: whoa!! Thats wet money

Sophie: I can give you 5000 more orphans. Meet me at this unmarked warehouse in 6 hours

Mark: awooga

Hardison: Nate do you have a plan?

Nate: not yet

*Fade to black*

Nate: alright the marks on his way. Hardison what’s your 20

Hardison: I need at least 30 minutes to finish this Lego Taj Mahal

Nate: ok I’ll stall

Nate (playing bit character): I cooka da pizza!! Ohhhh (drops full pan of sauce on the marks head instantly killing him) mamma Mia (walks into the sea)

Parker: guys we have a problem

*6 Bad Men materialize out of thin air*

Elliot: 😒I got this 👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊🤛🤜🤛🤜✊🩼✊🦶🦵✊🤛🚪🦶✊🦵🤌✊🦶👊🦵✊✊👊🎷👊👊👊

*the Bad Men disintegrate*

Elliot: shit hes here (dives into a trash can)

*the mark reaches the building. There are orphans waving at him from the windows*

Mark: ok I’m here to take the orphans

The police: SIR YOURE COMING WITH US

Mark: what?? This is a completely legal orphan deal

Police: theres no orphans here

*police man grabs an orphan. Hes flat. Flashback to Hardison setting up 5000 cardboard orphan cutouts*

Mark: but what are you arresting me for??

Police man: sir you filled all of city hall with gravy

*flashback to Nate filling city hall with gravy while wearing a T-shirt that says “Im bad businessman”*

Mark: you can’t do this to me!!

Police: (arrests him)

Nate: heh. You could say he got... Leveraged

Parker: i have autism

Everyone: oh my god Parker shut up

one of the best things you can make a female character is really bad at interpersonal relationships