Calling My Lover "mine" But Not In The Way That My Toothbrush Or Notebook Are Mine, Mine In The Way My

1 am thoughts

Hi. Once again, I remembered D and instantly cried. I just don't understand why I can't let go of the thought of him because it's not like we even dated. We spent a few hours together for one (1) night and THAT'S IT. I really don't understand where this desire is coming from. I don't understand how I can feel all these emotions for somebody I don't technically know. It has been over a year and I am still the same mess, even after having dated a few people since. I was talking to God earlier about how I need help from Him to take this sadness away. I am really so happy where I currently am in life and I know that I can definitely do without a partner (maybe) at this point. AND YET SOMEHOW!! On the rare occasions I do think of a prospective partner, it's him I go back to. I can't rationalize why I feel this way, but I know that it was that moment of peace and quiet and coziness and serenity and bliss in his car on the drive home after having just shared a few hours of fun and intimacy that did it for me. I can think of a long list of songs that I can associate with the feeling of being in that car with him. It just felt so good and right. I hope I was better with words but to give you a slightly descriptive picture, that car ride felt like what it did when we used to walk back to the parking in G4 after having just watched the last full show of some movie. So cold and quiet you could hear crickets and you were still slightly sleepy because you had been asleep for the latter parts of the film.

That's what the car ride felt like. It felt new yet familiar; new because I knew for certain that I had never felt that way before, and familiar because it felt as if I had known him my entire life. I know it probably did not mean shit to him in the slightest, but to me, it felt like a rebirth, and that's what makes the entire thing so sad to me. I did not even reach the point of getting to try it out. It was literally just (barely) one night, yet however, I am still so connected to him in ways I did not imagine possible. If I have not told you yet, he is workmates with the mother of my very best friend. MY BEST FRIEND. The one friend I hang out with every single day. He LITERALLY works 3 desks away from Tita Pearl. SO CRAZY. There has even been a time when I got to see his desk firsthand (he wasn't there at the time, thankfully) because Faye and I had to meet up with Tita Pearl at her office. I don't care what you think of my story. This story has been sending me into a pit of depression every time I try to recall it and I cry the same amount of tears each time, even more so because he is currently dating another girl. I know that this is not the kind of prayer God would want me to make so I stray away from hoping they don't actually end up together. The other day during worship, Fr. Jade talked about how evil never prevails -- no matter how hard you pray for it. If it is evil at its core, there is no chance God would grant it. I think I have already fully come to terms with the possibility that we might never cross paths again because, really, it's okay. As I said, it does not bother me much to be without a partner. In fact, I enjoy it. I enjoy having all this luxury of time and space to do whatever the heck I want. It's just that when I do think of anyone, I always think of him. I think he's a really smart and good person with a really nice personality and I know I would really love to spend time with him. He feels like somebody I wouldn't hate having around all the time, which speaks volumes about how much I actually like him. However, I understand that this might not be what God wants for me at this point because literally nothing is happening and it's not like I'm going to barge back into his life and reintroduce myself. Like I said, he is seeing someone else and I respect that. While I know there's no harm in simply reaching out, I have so much respect for my fellow woman so I will not do that. After all, God knows what is best for me and I will follow just that; the lack of opportunity in sight is already a big fat sign. Right now, my main concern is to be rid of the sadness that comes with remembering him and our short time together. These days, nothing makes me sadder than when I'm trying to recall those moments and getting flashes of what could have been. One day, I know I will find closure, even if it's not with or from him. I hope that, if it cannot be him, it's somebody infinitely better. I hope that that person could make me feel as good as that car ride in 2023 did, if not so much better. Lord, you have never failed me even once in my life. I find no reason to doubt your plans, especially at this point. Right now, please just help me be happy for him and for whatever is going on in his silly little life.

D, you were exceptional and I truly have never met anyone as lovely as you are. I hope to see you again soon.

— David Foster Wallace

I think people underestimate the luxury it is to live alone and be able to cry whenever you want, then go outside, buy a sweater, come home, drink tea, bookbind something you've read on the internet, do your nails, laugh at a show, use a 6 seat-table all for yourself and your 2500 pieces puzzle, eat nothing at all or everything on sight, listen to your podcast on your sound system, and just emote whatever you want to emote without anyone ever asking "are you okay?"

Maybe I'm crying, maybe I'm laughing, and no one needs to know about it, I'm just humaning and I don't actually want to discuss it and I don't ??? have to??? because living alone is so luxurious 10/10 highly recommend.

Early one direction was fantastic. NO stage presence. No dance moves. They’d just be up on stage like awkwardly bopping around and shoving each other and like fucking giving eachother smooches on the cheek. There was one show where Harry styles got pantsed during his solo??? They were the boyband that NEVER wanted to or intended to be in a boyband! They were totally in it for the fame and the money, but they became BROS !!!! They were FRIENDS!! And that’s the true beauty, the friends we made along the way!

first semester goals: get a 4.0 gpa, do all readings and have comprehensive notes, attend all my lectures, start my papers three weeks in advance

second semester goals: don't kill myself or become an alcoholic

I wanna say I’m overworked but I actually genuinely like what I’m doing and it’s DRIVING ME FUCKING CRAZY. Last night, I left a lamp open so, throughout the night, I was just subconsciously counting down to the time I needed to get up because I thought it was Thursday. I was also looking forward to what I had to do. It's so crazy. But like, thanks I guess?????? because I'm not as overworked as I thought I was because I don't despise what I'm doing. Then again, I know that I'm already overestimating my capacity to work and take in work and that one day, this might come back to bite me so hard in the ass. I'm just looking forward to SG honestly and I know when it comes around, I will deserve the trip because I worked so hard and OT'd so much. Thanks, Lord, because I did not know shit about this industry when I first got here and yet I am thriving now. This might even create a real career path for me if I give my best and the work I've done in the last 3 weeks has been a testament to that. I hope I am making my boss proud because he is my first boss ever and I was also his first ever hire and we both just took a chance on each other. I hope that this continues on because I really really like what I'm doing and I want to keep doing my best.

In the same light, I want to give the same amount of energy to my other job which ALSO took a chance on me. I always say I'm only around for the money but to my core, I know it's also worth giving my best to. So, my only prayer is for me to always have the energy to attend to my two big girl jobs that I really love. I cherish them and I want to keep them, and when the time comes that I need to move on to better and bigger things, I hope to do so in the right way.

Okay that's all!! I'm in Starbucks Grace Mall and loving the aircon so much :D I claimed my free drink and you already know what I got.

I had a super intimate encounter with my work mate (we co-reheated our lunch in the same microwave) and he’s not even somebody I think I MIGHT like 😭 he’s literally just some work mate

do you guys wanna see the most perfectest png of my cat