I Made A New Version Of This Meme

This is the greatest piece of shmilk fanfiction I have ever read.

Shadow Milk Cookie gets lost in a Costco (Beast Cookies S1E4)

DISCLAIMER:

This story is NOT canon to the lore of Cookie Run: Kingdom, nor do the characters involved are accurately represented as they are in the game. They are otherwise different, more dumbed-down impersonations. CRK lore enthusiasts do not slam me in the comments section. Beware of UFOs when going to any superstore - not just Costcos.

Shadow Milk Cookie had made a dire mistake. He should have never separated from the group. But how was he supposed to tolerate Mystic Flour Cookie's aggressive haggling over bulk cinnamon sticks? Or Burning Spice Cookie eyeing the industrial-sized propane tanks with far too much interest?

It all started when he had attempted to locate something "worthy of his essence"—a vague and dramatic mission he undertook after scoffing at the others' pedestrian purchases. He drifted from aisle to aisle, convinced that somewhere in the warehouse lay an artifact of supreme dark energy. Instead, he found himself in the home goods section, surrounded by pillows that claimed to be "cooling" and a suspiciously large display of scented candles named things like "Ocean Whisper" and "Crisp Linen."

Disgusted by their mundanity, he pressed forward, only to be distracted by an enormous jar of pickles. He stared at it for a full minute, debating whether an absurd amount of preserved cucumbers counted as an eldritch offering. His internal monologue was interrupted by a passing employee who asked if he needed assistance. Shadow Milk Cookie, unable to admit he was lost, merely muttered something about "the burdens of fate" and stalked off in a random direction.

That random direction led him deep into the depths of Costco’s storage labyrinth, where towering shelves loomed over him like indifferent monoliths. His cape snagged on a stack of bulk toilet paper, and in his efforts to free himself, he somehow ended up behind a staff-only area. By the time he finally navigated back to the main floor, he realized he had no idea where the rest of his crew had gone.

"Deceit," he muttered, scowling at a perfectly wholesome employee offering tiny cups of yogurt. He wrapped his cape around himself and stalked forward.

Then it happened.

A low hum filled the air. The ceiling lights flickered. Shadow Milk Cookie barely had time to turn before a blinding beam of light shot down from above. The last thing he saw was a vaguely familiar, eerie silhouette before he was sucked into the abyss.

When he awoke, he was lying on an unnervingly pristine surface inside a sterile, glowing chamber. The scent of artificial cleanliness burned his nose. He sat up, groggy, and came face to face with something—or someone.

A towering, glowing-eyed figure loomed over him. Their presence was unnervingly familiar, like a half-remembered dream. He squinted. "Have I... seen you before?"

The figure did not answer. Instead, they turned to what looked like an intergalactic console, pressed an unnecessary number of buttons, and promptly ignored him.

Shadow Milk Cookie, unshaken by mere existential horror, crossed his arms. "If you intend to subject me to interdimensional torment, know that I am already familiar with the weight of suffering."

The figure finally turned. "You're lactose intolerant and keep drinking expired milk. That’s not suffering. That’s self-inflicted stupidity."

Shadow Milk Cookie flinched. He did not like how deeply this unknown entity understood his struggles.

Before he could retort, the ship rattled violently. Alarms blared. The figure let out what could only be described as a frustrated sigh. "I don’t have time for this. Back you go."

"Wait, what?"

"You're way too dumb to be here."

And then he was unceremoniously thrown out of the spaceship. Cue the gregorian chorus "Ecce homo qui est micam"... again.

With a bone-rattling THUD, Shadow Milk Cookie crashed onto the polished tile floor of the Costco food court, directly between the rest of his crew and their overflowing shopping cart.

Burning Spice Cookie glanced down at him. "Dude. What."

Mystic Flour Cookie took a slow sip from her cup of suspiciously vibrant blue slushie. "You look like you just got thrown out of a UFO."

Shadow Milk Cookie groaned and peeled himself off the floor. "I did."

Silent Salt Cookie, as always, said nothing. But they did push a freshly purchased bulk-sized crate of oat milk towards him.

Shadow Milk Cookie scowled. "Do not mock me."

Mystic Flour Cookie nudged Burning Spice Cookie. "You think he saw Eternal Sugar Cookie up there?"

"If he did, he totally botched the rescue mission."

Shadow Milk Cookie clenched his fists. "I was kidnapped and discarded like a mere inconvenience! This is an outrage!"

Burning Spice Cookie shrugged. "Eh, that’s kinda how I feel about Costco, too."

With their fearless (yet mildly traumatized) teammate back in tow, the crew loaded their purchases into their comically oversized shopping cart and exited the store. Shadow Milk Cookie glared at the sky, half-expecting the UFO to return and finish the job. It did not.

The Costco parking lot was, after all, its own brand of nightmare.

I wish i could find more content for him :(

so anyway i made content for him

*doom music starts to play* I actually kindof like scheduling these kinds of appointments now...

but seriously Fellas, don't forget to schedule a pap smear every couple of years just in case. If you still have a cervix you can still get cervical cancer. ilu

this has been a psa

His name is Achilles, I love him

Did this during PE because I was bored 👍 can you tell I don't do traditional art as much as I do digital?

to be honest there has never been a fictional character i’ve actually wanted to date. like. i want them to date each other. i don’t want myself as a person to be involved in this scenario whatsoever. what would i add to this narratively? what’s my thematic purpose in the narrative? immersion breaking. 

conversely the tiktok algorithm HATED this one

'Revenge is bad' to YOU. i love when a character destroys everyone who wronged them. i love when they get to bite and maim and tear and rip and scratch and kill. Sorry ur catholic about it but i'm different

filtering down ao3 results from 14000 to 6 based on a single tag is foul. im sorry none of you are as enlightened as me ig.

gumball cookie fanart for totally not a last minute christmas present :)

its also been glazed, and nightshaded, so take that AI (fuck you AI)