From Now I’ve Got To Start Chasing Regular Discomfort, Because Otherwise Comfort Isn’t Comfort But

28 V 2022

topology and analysis tests are over, both went I think alright

if I don't get 100% from topo I'm going to be very frustrated, because I studied hard and acquired deep understanding of the material – so far as to be able to hold a lecture for my classmate about any topic

analysis ughhh if I get ≥40% I will be overjoyed. but that's just the specifics of this subject, you study super hard and seem to be entirely ready, you solve all of the problems in prep and then best you can do is 40%. my best score so far was 42%, so anything more than that will be my lifetime record lmao, I want this so bad. I solved two problems entirely I think, which should give 40% already, and some pieces from two more, chances are I get 50%, which would be absolutely amazing

here are some pictures from me transforming math into an art project

stokes theorem

topology

I was thinking about how annoying I find what people say to me when I tell them that I'm not happy with how I'm doing at math. their first idea is to tell me how great I am and how all I do is good enough and shit like that. it doesn't help, it just feels like I am not being taken seriously. when I barely pass anything, am I really supposed to believe that everything is actually good? it feels like they skip getting to know my situation and just tell me what they would tell anyone, automatic

when I try to calm myself down and think something that will keep me going I don't try to force myself to be happy, fuck that, not being content with one's achievements is very fine, I believe not being happy all the time is fully natural and all that positivity feels so fake

instead what seems to work is asking myself where the rational threshold of being ok with how I'm doing is. the thing is I will never be satisfied, whatever I have, I always want more. but I can set the limits in advance and that stops me from falling into self-loathing loops

although what has really changed the game for me was getting a few good grades, finally I am achieving something, anything. people tell me that I should learn to be alright without this external reliance on achievements but how am I supposed to do that when the source of my low moods is precisely getting less than I want? I don't understand why I should brainwash myself into thinking that this is actually not what I want. the trick here is to separate the goal-orientedness from the sense of self-worth. the groundbreaking realization of mine was figuring out that I believe I deserve more than I get, that's why I am unhappy. so now that I am getting what I think what I deserve I obviously feel much better

A monoid? Oh, you mean a monad on a one point set in the bicategory of spans of sets?

free recall

here I am sitting and trying to learn something from a textbook by making notes and ugh I don't think this is gonna work

what I'm writing down will probably leave my head the second I switch tasks

today I found a cool video about taking notes during lectures and a method called free recall is mentioned there:

to summarize: taking notes during the lecture is ineffective, because it requires dividing attention into writing and processing the auditory input. instead of doing that one should just listen and then try to write down the contents of the lecture from memory. I can believe that – this is how I studied for my commutative algebra exam and the whole process went really fast. I highly recommens this guy's channel, he is a neuroscientist and bases his videos off of research findings

I will try to do this with textbooks and after a while I'll share how it felt and if I plan to keep doing it. the immediate advantage of this approach is that it gives raw information for what needs the most work and what can be skipped, which is often hard to see when trying to evaluate one's knowledge just by thinking about it. another thing that comes to mind is the accountability component – it is much easier to focus on the text while knowing that one is supposed to write down as much as possible after. kinda like the "gamify" trick I saw in the context of surviving boring tasks with adhd

I'll use this method to study differential geometry, algebraic topology, galois theory and statistics. let's see how it goes

imo euclidean geometry kinda sucks, but if we mean geometry in a more general sense then algebraic geometry is the one

I've decided to start a fight

anyways geometry sucks algebra best math

also i'm having a quarrel with my parents, i'm afraid they will disown me or kick me out

they are anti-vax and full-blown conspiracy theorist and my mother found out i took a covid vax

the fact that my father believes the earth is flat makes me so motivated to become a full-time scientist, being the very thing they hate. then they could not undermine what i say with "what the fuck do you know, you're just a student"

my father likes you only if you agree with him and he literally tells me every time we talk that i am stupid and should go fuck myself. not that i don't say the same things to him, i do, i hate the fact that this is how this relationship works

i am aware that doing things to prove something to someone is not the way to go but up to this point it was just my goal, one of many, to be a scientist, now it feels like a necessity

1 X 2022

new month huh

yesterday the commutative algebra teacher sent out the first homework assignment. you know, fuck the holiday, we need that grind

I have a week to solve it but I started yesterday as I was so excited

we need to prove some elementary properties of commutative unitary rings and I am enjoying it, I completed a half of the exercises so far. I can tell that the intuition acquired from studying module theory is paying off. many of the requested properties are the special cases of what I encountered during my module venture, so I feel like I understand them quite well. the problem I come across is how to write it down in a rigorous way, but I guess this is why we're supposed to do those exercises

I just got home from the math camp, it was so exhausting. I am not used to being around people all the time, so I my tolerance for interactions is low. I'm glad I went there tho, because I gained some teaching experience – my lecture, choosing contest problems and then grading the solutions

my university offers jobs as graders, older students can make some extra money checking homeworks of younger ones. the requirement is to have a decent GPA, which I don't have so I'm afraid they won't accept me. I don't know how decent exactly tho, so I'm going to try. in particular I might get bonus points for my extracurricular activities, giving talks at conferences and the grading I did at the camp. I'm so done with being poor, I hope I get in. otherwise I might start looking for some programming jobs, not for this academic year but in general, to find out what I could do at all

a few days ago I found a book that I wish I had found sooner: Vector Analysis, Klaus Janich

these are some of the chapters I needed a few months ago for my analysis course. the book is written like a novel and contains many interesting examples. on the bright side there are chapters about riemannian manifolds and other stuff that I haven't yet had an opportunity to study, so I plan to skim through the topics I already know and stay longer at those new to me

well, the sememster starts on tuesday so I don't have much time for that book, but as a sidequest it seems just right

Please fund my research in finding fewer applications of mathematics. I'm going to start my project with trying to find fewer uses of trigonometry, so that ideally we can eliminate the need for remembering trigonometric identities. Then I'm going to move on to researching fewer uses for integration by parts, because that tends to get real tedious real fast. With your unending financial support, I believe I can return mathematics to the purity and simplicity it has always yearned for.

Theory Time

The reason endermen don’t like it when you look at them is because they communicate telepathically with one another by locking eyes! Humans are absolutely not designed to do this so when we look at them we are accidentally projecting all of our thoughts into them at the same time and it hurts :(

I got a proof wrong on an exam. No points. 

Then, I thought about it for fifteen minutes outside of the exam, wrote it down, nailed it. 

I showed a classmate and told him what happened. He looked frustrated. He’d clearly had this happen before, too (haven’t we all?).  He said, “Don’t you hate it when that happens?”

I almost said yes. What the h*ck!? No. No, I do not hate it when I can fathom a deeply abstracted concept in mathematics. I never hate that. I the opposite of hate that. Expecting myself to immediately understand topics like this is unrealistic. I’m proud of being able to do it at all. Who cares if I did it in the exam or within the next hour? I DID IT. It’s mine now. I can do it whenever I want. Missing points on that problem doesn’t take the knowledge out of my brain. How dare I be taught that my knowledge is useless because I didn’t have it right at that moment. It’s just as good now. 

Education is not about the arbitrary numeric number ascribed to your ability to do things quickly in an arbitrary, restricted time interval. Education is about being able to do progressively more things, to understand progressively complex things. 

Tenacity and challenging yourself far beyond your limits is a hundred times more important than getting good grades. Because, when you’re one of .4 percent of the population who possess complete knowledge on a very complex topic, nobody cares how long it took you to do it, or how well you did it the first time you tried. 

Grades don’t discover new mathematics. Mathematicians do (even the ones who failed a basic topic in mathematics because their base way of thinking was too complex). Grades don’t advance medical research. Scientists do (even the ones who had to apply for their PhD programs 3 times in a row before they got accepted). Grades don’t make science fiction into real-world technologies. Engineers do (even the ones who dropped out of school because they wanted to build things, not talk about building things). 

Knowledge is power. Skills are power. Grades are constructs. Never trade actual understanding for a semblance of understanding. 

*through tears* I don’t ever want to let my fear of failure trump the wonder of mathematics, I don’t ever want to be so scared of it that I forget to treasure it, I don’t ever want to let my feelings of being small deter me from even trying to dig deeper, I don’t ever want to turn my eyes away from the beauty, even though it is blinding. Never, never, never.