Latest Posts by bumblebees-against-broflation - Page 2

So, Humans, what'cha doing?

"We're building a planet-sized Warp Gate."

...Ooo-kay then. Why?

"We wanna move some planets around."

That totally makes sense, yes, fully sensible and... uhh And you're gonna power it with..?

"That Dyson Sphere we're building around the Sun."

And the materials for all that..?

"We broke up a couple of Jupiter's moons for it. Oh right, we'll update flight trajectories for ya."

Right. Umm... thank you? Well uhh... we'll... leave you to it?

"Yup, no problem. Have a good one!"

See, we got this... inclination

The Galactic Coalition is no stranger to war. Every sapient race has a history filled with external conflict, and most with some internal strife as well. Even now, the Coalition is in a stalemate with the United Federation on the North-Western arm of the Galaxy, a recently cooled hot war over what the Federation call foreign meddling in internal affairs, while the Coalition claim is an abusive contractual effective enslavement of a pre-stellar civilization, which goes against the Coalition's Ethics Directorate For All Sapient Encounters.

The Humans, who managed to learn of this on their own, sparking a hushed debate about their espionage capabilities, wanted to send their own delegation to the established Neutral Zone to speak with the Federation. As a party to the Coalition governing body, they have free reign to make contact with anyone on their own terms, with the understanding such individual activity will not represent the Coalition itself.

It did not take long for the Humans to reach back to us with an inquiry:

"So like, this might just be us, but these fellas are giving us some nasty fascist vibes, ya feel me? Maybe we're wrong (though we do got a lot of experience with that), but have a look at this data we've gathered so far."

What we saw were shockingly detailed and up-close images of clearly Federation design medical and emergency disaster relief encampments. A baffling number in fact, but technically nothing that would indicate wrongful action or intent. But there were a lot of them all across the planet.

"Yeah, we only got data from right now, so do you got info on this planet and it's folk from earlier? My gut, and all these shuttles full of some kinda cargo we can't scan hyperin' away, is telling me that it's not gonna match well."

The Human, or his... gut?... (we'll have to ask them to elaborate, we thought they only had one mind?) is correct, startlingly so. We informed the Human the atmosphere was far thinner than it was merely 40 years ago, containing a third less Nitrogen and almost no trace gasses at all, save for CO2, which was at nominal levels, but the planet used to have an abundance of Helium, now almost entirely gone. If further investigation corroborates this, and perhaps other inconsistencies, this will be cause for a full open investigation and possible sanctions!

"So... can we fight them?"

The Human's question startled us from our anger, now replaced with confusion and worry. Humanity boasted the most powerful fleet in Coalition space, there was no question about it, but they are still only a singular planet with some specialist stations dotted around local space, while the Federation was composed of dozens of races across thousands of planets in a very efficient hierarchical structure, plus the true strength of their military was unknown.

This is a delicate matter and we need them to not act rashly. We have learned, however, that outright denying Humans anything leads them to desire it more, so we must adopt a new approach to each situation we wish the Humans to... not take the initiative on.

Offering the delegation leader command of our own covert investigation units, and requesting he withdraw his ships to act as emergency response and intervention forces in the area seemed to please him. He had an important task to do, and his crew busied themselves preparing for a variety of possibilities, thus making the Humans feel both needed and engaged in productive activity, preventing them from escalating the situation. For now.

We really hope this "gut" will not cause rash action.

Sorry, but I can't imagine Legolas purposefully drinking. And even then, I bet he would run away from Gimli chasing him with proper vodka.

Thranduil, I am afraid your lessons were useless.

Thranduil, to legolas: When you turn 50, people are going to tell you to buy alcohol and drugs because you can.

Thranduil: But no. You know what else is legal at 50? Blades. Get yourself a sword. A big knife is also okay.

Thranduil: Also, don’t wait until you’re 50 to drink. Those laws are more like... guidelines!

Okay guys i swear this is the last one (it probably won’t be)

The prophecy says Aragorn shall be defeated with tax law. Thank Eru Gondor doesn't have corporations and Middle Earth doesn't have tax havens.

The three hunters: understanding of royal precedings and paperwork:

Gimli: has the most knowledge of the three, learned at his father’s knee, not as knowledgeable as to what’s important in a human or elf kingdom, but knows more than the other 2 still.

Legolas: has a vague understanding of court etiquette bc he had guarded his father the few times he went out. The silvans don’t have a royal family, and ‘king’ is just the closest synonym in commons as a translation of what thranduil is, so Legolas is not actually trained to handle diplomacy. Knows enough to get by and that’s about it.

Aragorn: learned he was in line for the throne and promptly fucked off into the woods, spent more times around woodland creatures than actual humans. Good leader, great motivational speech. He should not be left alone with any paperwork, he will cry.

no need to worry, everyone had been at some point of their lifes

I’m really obsessed with Legolas Greenleaf rn

One aspect of the House of Feanor I’d like to talk about is the idea that they all really love children. Like Feanor has seven sons more than any other elf we’ve ever heard mentioned. You’re telling me this guy doesn’t really love kids? So I like to believe that all the Feanorians are all inherently great with kids and just melt every time they see a child.

Feanor hates his half brothers for the whole Indis thing but he’s the only one who gets away with hating them. Anyone else tries it and they are hit with the full force of an angry Feanor. Yes he hates them but he will also be tutoring them because how else will he make sure it’s done right and they won’t disgrace Atar? And no he was not just bouncing Arafinwe on his lap what are you talking about?

Curufin is an excellent father which he inherited from his own father. Tyelpe also has six uncles who never tire of spending hours playing with him. They all fight for the title of best uncle and Tyelko very firmly believes it is him.

At family gatherings it is understood that no matter your reservations about Feanor’s side of the family if there is an upset child a Feanorian will know how to deal with it. Feanor himself will rarely object to being handed a crying baby regardless of it’s parentage. Maedhros has been the assigned babysitter for what feels like an eternity and his abilities are regarded as near magic.

This does not go away once they get to Middle Earth. The Feanorians all go to great lengths to provide adequate parental leave in their armies and frequently stop round to check in with any new parents to meet the child. They know all the names of most of their followers children and ask about them regularly.

One of the first things that endeared Caranthir to Haleth was how kind he was with some of her younger relatives. The children of the Haladin all love him because he plays with them sometimes and brings them little sweets. His good with children instincts are activated with any child regardless of race and it helps him build relations with other races more easily.

When Maglor brings Elrond and Elros back Maedhros is a lost cause within a month. He knows this s unhealthy on so many levels but children. They’re so innocent and tiny and he’s going to protect them. They are both referring to them as their children within a week.

Elrond inherits this. Erestor and Glorfindel see his adoption problem and immediately think oh shit our lord is definitely a Feanorian.

loving lord of the rings is the secksiest personality trait there is btw

he's trying very hard not to strangle someone

Technically speaking, I am terrified of that...

Bro wait till the aliens learn about humans who can hyperextend their limbs

Alien: human Alex are you ok?! Your arm is broken!

Human Alex: my arms? Oh I’m double jointed

Alien: ????

The thing where you can pull your thumb backwards and touch your wrist, an alien would be traumatized from that

Should've won the Oscar for best original song (or sth, I don't the exact names of the categories) once The Hobbit was released as a movie.

This one is for my one and only true love

Bilbo Baggins

Bilbo, you're so cool

And with my stone, we're gonna rule

Bilbo, understand

I'm gonna love you 'til the very end

Beebo, Beebo, Beebo, Beebo, Beebo

Beebo, Beebo, Beebo, Beebo, Beebo

I love you, oh

Beebo, Beebo, Beebo, Beebo, Beebo

Beebo, Beebo, Beebo, Beebo, Beebo

I love you, oh

Trolls, humans, and an Elven King too

A thousand troops of orcs couldn't keep me from you

Bilbo Baggins, at the end of the line

I'll make you mine, oh

Beebo, Beebo, Beebo, Beebo, Beebo

Beebo, Beebo, Beebo, Beebo, Beebo

I love you, oh

Beebo, Beebo, Bilbo, Bilbo

— Thorin in his head, probably

(Thread on the ex-🐦 here)

Tactic to earn a degree? Unfortunately only possible.

Tactic to stay alive during those period?Toxic af, but still useful and that should be considered insane.

The alien should be alarming others to lower our sick standards of memorizing unbelievable amount of information that will no longer be valid in the next five years.

What would be alien's reactions to battery acid. Y'know that thing with red bull marinated sour strips, energy drink plus coffee and a minimum of five beers. Read more at your own risk.

Alien: Human, I can't find the-

Human: *currently stoned*

Alien: ... What. Are you doing?

Human: seeing God.

Alien: how many?

Human: *raises one finger.*

Alien: ... Human. If my memory serves correct. It takes twenty.

Human: try a strip.

Alien: ... *processing, before taking a sour strip.*

Human: *still stoned*

Alien: *starts coughing.* WHAT IS IN THIS?

Human: that's battery acid. Marinated in red bull, put red bull into coffee. Uhm, ooh, had a gummy. And about. Hic. Five beers?

Alien: ... How did you make the marinade?

Human: fourth book, red leather.

Alien: ... it's called uni recipes.

Human: yep.

Alien: stoner pizza?

Human: fries on pizza.

Alien: ... reduce five cans of red bull, leave to cool before marinating for a minimum of three hours. Five days at maximum, because the caffeine will break down the glucose bonds?

Human: yep. Chem students are smart!

Alien: ... That's your battery acid?

Human: I'm on car acid.

Alien: ... Two cans of reduced Red Bull, 125ml per can. Reduced to 25ml put into your choice of coffee, reduce the coffee to 10ml.... Take one edible, one battery acid and the coffee concoction. Then down five beers reduced to... Half a bottle of beer. Or around one shot of tequila.

Human: *proud of themselves.*

Alien: ... I'd be horrified if I wasn't impressed.

Human: yeah, that's how I got my degree in uhh, neurology, bio chemistry and a few more Celciuses.

Alien: ... You made a recipe book and got an associates?

Human: I actually have. 27? bachelors, just from that shelf.

Alien: ... How are you-

Human: remember when I mentioned I'd figured out a way to be high and speak somewhat normally?

Alien: ... *glances at the bookshelf*

Human: give it a minute.

Alien: these are all acedemic papers. Aren't they?

Human: 1387 recipes. Times that by the number of java files on the USB that's labelled the same as the eight number of pie.

Alien: ...

Human: there's 40567 academic papers, not including the top and bottom shelves which are dictionaries, explanations and half of them have paper which explode upon contact with oxygen.

Alien: ... Most of this case is behind glass.

Human: mhm.

Alien: How did you even do this?

Human: mixture of car acid, ADHD, tunnel vision and crunching for two months.

Alien: crunching like.

Human: forgot to sleep for two months.

Alien: ...

Human: I went to hospital for about a year because of that.

Alien: I have so many questions, but I get the feeling this ain't common?

Human: my level of insane, no. Cramming for a stupid period and doing something wonderful somehow. Yes.

Alien: you're less high now huh?

Human: *making a hangover cure.* Mhmm, woke up around the time you noticed the glass.

Alien: how are you alive?

Human: good question. I don't know.

a corpse is nevertheless a corpse, Thorin. Take care of your skin.

Bilbo: You look like a corpse that was just pulled out of the river.

Thorin: Wrong. I look like a cool rock star who just OD'd in their own pool. Big difference.

Not a bad way to win an argument, especially with Thorin

Bilbo : How petty can you get?

Thorin : I once edited a Wikipedia article to win an argument I was wrong about.

Thranduil : eww spider

Mirkwood spider : eww, a single father with a big ass scar on his freaking face, and big disgusting caterpillar eyebrows, who lose everything, and can't get it back, who bring his entire army to defeat 7 dwarves for a freaking shinny things, who are you? A fèanorean from wish.com?

Thranduil :....

Thranduil : you don't have to be that-

Also Thranduil : I'm sorry brother *leaves*

Mirkwood spiders : *spit on him in disgust* aight imma jump on you bitch!

You run a café on the edge of life and death. Souls who have been departed from their bodies temporarily, such as in comas or near-death experiences, can relax in your quaint cafe for as long as they need before they can either return to their bodies or begin their journey to the afterlife.

Lovely ❤️ Let's send positive vibes to Thorin!

Bilbo: Hey, babe, remember how I had to go to the pharmacy to pick up my ADHD meds?

Thorin: Yes?

Bilbo: Well, it turns out they're all out for the next five days.

Thorin: Fuck.

Bilbo: It's gonna be a fun week!

Thorin: I'm going to Gloin's house.

Bilbo: Nuh-uh. Through sickness and health, motherfucker.

to be fair, he would do that.

Fili: Name one mean thing I’ve ever said or done to you. Kili: You convinced me that eggs weren’t real!

lotr/the hobbit incorrect quotes

part 4, ft. gondor brothers, merry and pippin and some elves

Boromir: father didn’t raise a quitter!

Faramir: he also didn’t raise a winner

Faramir: honestly i don’t think he really raised anyone

— — — —

Legolas: sorry i’m late, i was doing stuff…

Gimli: HE PUSHED ME DOWN THE FUCKIN’ STAIRS!

— — — —

Faramir: the sign says ‘do not touch’, Boromir…

Boromir, taking off the sign: well not anymore

also

Pippin: the sign says ‘do not touch’, Merry…

Merry, taking off the sign: well not anymore!!!!

— — — —

Thranduil: thanks for agreeing to see me

Elrond: i didn’t, you just walked in and started talking…

Thranduil: yeah yeah i don’t have time for history lesson

Yaaaay! Let them see the Russian girls taught by Tutberitze ;)))

Imagine aliens being introduced to ice skating.

"Welcome everyone to the 94323th annual Talent Show! We have contestants from species from all across the galaxy showing off their amazing talents! For our first contestant, we have Kalk, a human from Earth, the first human to be our contestant!"

"Yes, Zill, unfortunately Kalk could not show off their talent live on stage, and instead sent us a video. We did send a witness to verify and record their performance so it wasn't faked. Our witness did tell us before the show that we really needed to see this."

"We are starting the video. There's Kalk outside on a frozen lake. Their giving us a bow which is a customary human greeting, and—are we sure this isn't faked? There's no way they could move across ice like that."

"I think they can, hold up they just lifted a leg—ARE THOSE BLADES ON THEIR FEET????"

"That must explain how they're moving like that. Kalk is turning around very sharply and dancing on the ice, which is very impressive and very terrifying. Our witness do not mention if Kalk was injured, so I don't think they're going to fall in the water—okay how are they balancing on one leg like that for so long??"

"Humans have been known as daredevils to use their term, but I've never seen something like this and KALK JUMPED AND SPUN IN MIDAIR! To use a human turn of phase, what the fuck??"

"I completely agree, and Kalk seemed to be about to do another jump... and it was a perfect landing! I've never been so terrified that a contestant may hurt themselves, but this is amazing!"

"And Kalk started to spin on the ice, very very fast, and I'm worried their blades will crack the ice underneath them... and they're moved away from that spot thank goodness."

"And they're about to do another jump and... they land on one foot! That appears to be the end of the performance! Kalk gives a bow... and that's it! Well, what did you think of that Zill?"

"I thought it was terrifying but spectacular. Our other contestants have to really step it up if they want to surpass Kalk."

Wish we were actually that wise when we meet the aliens

"How can you still have hope in your kind?", the alien asked, as their ships decorated the blue skies with gray.

"We need each other", the human ambassador replied.

"Your kind is one of war".

"I know".

"Your kind is one that silences itself".

"I know".

"Your kind got used to its cruelty".

"And yet, we can still be delighted by sunlight".

"You are close, yet divided and distant from each other".

"From our differences we find harmony and reasons to connect. This is more prevalent than our hate".

"All I see is your kind spiraling down to nothing. Your planet is dying, you hate each other, and you do not believe in a future anymore".

The ambassador did not reply.

"Your museums are filled with relics of ruin, ambassador, and your own body has scars from the wars you inflict upon each other. Your kind can never discover all living creatures on Earth, for you have already killed too many things you will never have the pleasure of knowing".

The alien shook their/its head.

"Your punishment is solitude and guilt".

"No".

The aliens looked down upon the human.

"Spiraling down our minds, you still saw something good. Otherwise, you would have killed us on sight, like you did with others in the past. In our darkest moments, we learned how to make fire. You saw a fossil of an old woman without teeth, and yet, she lived for long enough for her wounds to heal. If we were truly cruel, she would have been killed. If we were truly crooked, she would have been abandoned. Yet, she was kept alive, and someone was kind enough to feed her, even when she was toothless".

The human rose his/her/their voice.

"What is real resists the lies of convenience".

"You speak with fancy words, but I cannot believe any of them. We saw what you did".

"You saw war and how it can disappear from your mind as you get used to it, but you are still watching us fight against it".

"You can make a bad person fall, but you cannot stop your own nature".

"Our love and our caring is our nature, and it finds a way".

"Describe how it does so, then. Prove it. Show us what you can do, even after everything you saw".

"We cannot describe our care, and the more we try, the more we fail. We look at those we love and all we can do is think about how distant we are from them, and how utterly incapable we are of showing them how much we love them. When I go to sleep next to my partner and I see their back, and I hug them close to me and listen as their breathe in and breathe out, all I can do is think about how I will never be able to hold them as much as I need to. I can make all the poetry in the world and do the impossible, and yet this wont satisfy me.

I could scream at the top of my lungs and paint a canvas with romantic pink and save the world. I could do all of that and it would never be enough. My partner will tell me, when I go back home, that they know I love them and I know they love me back, and I will agree, but still cry as I say 'I am sorry for not showing you enough'.

My partner does not take away from me. They do not fulfill me. They simply make me understand that I cannot stop caring for them".

Silence in the courtroom of aliens that think they can judge others.

"You listened to our songs, you saw your movies, you read our books and listened to our stories. You saw us die and live. You saw everything that mades us ourselves and you refuse to accept us, because you cannot fathom the idea of an alien species that both care and hate and live and die and create and destroy. You cannot live with the idea of choosing to be better. You want to be born good and pure of cruelty so you can feel less guilty about your own mistakes".

And the aliens could not say anything back, nor the billions of humans that were watching their own judgement through screens, nor the other many alien species that survived the invaders cruel purity.

"You can kill me. But humanity won the moment we realized death may only exist as long as we are alive to name it".

Such posts make me rethink everything I know about my body and, surprisingly, they help with maintaing my self-esteem on its level. Seeing such mundane things as "walking on two legs" appearing as wonderful is really wholesome.

Centaurism is when over many generations, a pair of front limbs goes from being used for support and locomotion to being permanently held off the ground for grasping, object manipulation, or other purposes. Basically turning a pair of front feet into a pair of hands.

Having four legs is often considered to be the ideal number for large animals, being very stable and resource efficient.

Therefore, it stands to reason that intelligent aliens with six limbs (4 legs, 2 hands) or more would be very common, and tool use on planets where the equivalent to Earth's vertebrates have 6 legs would be much more common among species than it is on Earth.

Aliens would be astounded by our ability to balance on merely two feet and our incredible flexibility. They would also be fascinated that some species of birds of all things figured out how to use tools.

"How did your raven use the key card?! Its front limbs are wings! Its back limbs are legs! It doesn't have hands!"

"She used her mouth."

"Ohhhhhhhhhh... Amazing."

so true. i was just changing my feelings from one to the other from time to time.

Smaug when Bilbo and Thorin enter Erebor

someone told thorin to whenever he's lost in the darkness he should look for the light and then he found bilbo

Every god damn time I watch the Hobbit- I swear Biblo and Thorin just get gayer and gayer

And I live for it