I'm Torn On Whether I Should Write About You Again.

I choose to trust. I choose to believe. No matter what reasons I may have to be skeptical, anxious, and insecure, no matter how very valid those reasons are… I still choose to trust. In love. In friendship. In success. In luck and in hope. In a better future for me, surrounded by those I love. I choose my own future. I won’t let anxiety and trauma choose it for me.

#. 𝐕𝐢𝐭𝐚𝐦𝐢𝐧 | 𝐉𝐨𝐡𝐧𝐧𝐲

‹3 gif originally posted by nctsworld

[ ; M.List including other Neos! ]

─ Synopsis: Unexpectedly, your own demons had crept up on you without any warning. Being all too familiar with this feeling of anxiety, doubt, and insecurity - you have broken down into tears in front of your boyfriend.  No matter how many tears have been shed, Johnny Suh is your vitamin willing to fight off every plague affecting your mind.

─ Pairing: Idol!Johnny Suh x Gender-Neutral Reader

─ Genre: One-Shot, Angst w. Comfort, Fluff/Wholesome

─ Concepts: Idol!Johnny Suh, established relationship, johnny comforting reader basically, cuddling with johnny <3, reader being insecure / feeling like a burden, implications of reader suffering with depression / depressive episodes, some johnny humor because it makes my heart ache less when writing it, this hitting too close to home why tf did i write this at 2 am

─ Count of Words: 3.2k

─ Inspiration of the work: Godspeed by Frank Ocean + “Girl, you gotta take it all baby and i’ll be your therapist for the day, that’s okay.” (Vitamin by NCT 127) 

❒ a/n: this is self-indulgent, but please take care of yourself. i really do hope yall are doing alright <3 just a reminder: you guys arent alone! and it’s okay to have bad days. stay safe ෆ

Something felt wrong today.

It was one of those days where you returned back home from work, the long hours taking a toll on your drained body and your mind weighing heavily with unexpected burdens. Though today was no different from your usual schedule, you suddenly reached a limit of your own mentality; however, what could have triggered it? You cannot find one explanation or one reason why it would happen so suddenly.

To you, it was simply one of those days where you begin to crumble without much real reason; fingertips gripping onto the surface tightly yet begging to loosen, as though you didn’t mind the idea of falling.

Standing in front of the counter with a heavy chest, you came to a pause with what you were doing; the cup of ramen steaming in front of you, a cloud of heat rising and causing your own vision to become hazy. Tiredly, you look down at the softened noodles, the packets of spices sitting near your frozen hands. Slowly turning to the time displayed on the microwave with green, glowing numbers; you read the late numbers of the night, knowing your boyfriend will be coming home in a few minutes.

Knowingly, Johnny Suh would be returning with his own tiredness cursing his tensed body. But, you could vividly imagine him returning home with a smile appearing on his face upon seeing you; his whole body led to you, as though he had a set course every time he sees you - he is always navigating his way to you, no matter how heavy his body feels. No matter how his feet drags, he is approaching you with a warm smile and eyes flickering like a steady flame of a candle.

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the urge to be hugged for 4 hrs

touch (mark lee)

lowercase intended

“stop touching me,” mark tells haechan, removing the said man’s arm from his shoulders. “y/n, how do you deal with your boyfriend being like this?” haechan asks. you giggle at the scene in front you. mark isn’t really fond of physical touches even with you, his girlfriend. you have been dating for 5 months now, and you were used to it. he wouldn’t even let you hold his hands for more than a minute. it made you sad at first, but he explained that he just doesn’t like being touched often, and you understood him. it doesn’t mean he loves you less.

a month after

you and mark were both sitting on his couch, watching a movie you weren’t paying attention to anymore. you were busy looking at mark, and how cuddly he looks. you know how it will end if you try to cuddle— him subtly pushing you off him after a few minutes— but you would take those few minutes in his arms any day, so you slowly position yourself, and cuddle him. he wraps his hands around you, and gives you kisses on your forehead. you smile at him, and seize the moment. after a minute, you slowly get off him knowing he would do it himself. “where are you going?” he asks. “hmm? just here beside you,” you smile at him. “come here, let’s cuddle,” he pouts. “getting used to my touches now?” you joke, “the only touch i want on me forever.”

pretty

“Are you really not going to complain even once?”

yoongi x reader (oc) genre: fluff word count: 1.8K

a/n: Hi lovelies! Here’s a little handyman Min helping reader/Kid with some simple home improvement projects. He’s super sweet and adorable about it and she’s annoying but he’s endeared. I hope you all enjoy and thanks for reading! :)) 

p.s. Happy birthday to our favorite honey boy! It’s Yoongi day!!! 

Observing your boyfriend from the bathroom doorway, you smirked at the little grunts that echoed through the room. Every twist of his wrench was accompanied by a low grumble from Yoongi’s throat. If he wasn’t fixing your sink out of the goodness of his heart, his undying love for you, and your complete inability to do it yourself, you’d tease him for being a grandpa.

When he arrived at your apartment fifteen minutes earlier, you had ambushed him with the home improvement project. He left a sweet kiss on your cheek as he entered your living room, immediately pulling his eyebrows together when you flashed him a pout. “What?”

“My bathroom sink is leaking,” you sighed.

The man glanced toward the bathroom in thought, a small pout taking over his own mouth. It just naturally did that. “Are the tools I left for you still in the hall closet?”

“If that’s where you left them,” you smirked, drawing your boyfriend’s attention back to you. He gave you a gummy smile and a slight shoulder shake as he laughed silently.

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“I’m trying to confess my undying love for you, and that’s the response I get?”

yoongi x reader genre: fluff word count: 

note: this piece was written by mads, @aurorassadprosee​​​. She initially wrote this one for my birthday in 2019 :( isn’t that sweet? It’s influenced by “New Year’s Day” by Taylor Swift, and if you know the song, you’ll probably see the references. Anyways, this is a really cute fic and I hope you all enjoy! xo

WITH a head swimming with alcohol and body buzzing with warmth, you place one bare foot sloppily in front of the other, fits of giggles escaping your mouth.

Supported by the dark haired man next to you, you both stumble out of the crowded bar, arm-in-arm, into the cool air.

The street lights shine, splitting into four as your vision tries to focus, the sound of horns blaring and tires hitting puddles fill your ears.

The rush of 1am.

Carrying a pair of heels in two fingers, goosebumps start to appear on your bare arms, a slight shiver coming to your breath as you lean your head against Yoongi’s neck.

Swaying down the dirty pavement of New York, streams of people brush past, breath white against the air.

You see a blur of individuals walking briskly, couples, like yourselves, huddled together, and groups of rowdy men drunkenly stumbling to their next drink.

Cheek hot against his skin, the smell his cologne fills your senses, the dry martinis, whiskey sours and double scotches are starting to set in.

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“Almost every woman I have ever met has a secret belief that she is just on the edge of madness, that there is some deep, crazy part within her, that she must be on guard constantly against ‘losing control’ — of her temper, of her appetite, of her sexuality, of her feelings, of her ambition, of her secret fantasies, of her mind.”

― Elana Dykewomon, Sinister Wisdom 36: Surviving Psychiatric Assault & Creating Emotional Well-Being in Our Communities

his choice

summary: at the end of the day, haechan chooses you despite the distance in time and proximity. but why do you feel so... guilty?

notes: idol!haechan, long distance relationship, no amount of fluff detected in this fic lol 221130 haechan i have real feelings for you

genre: angst | word count: 1.4k

- “baby?”, haechan says on the other line.

“haech… hi.”

you were laying on your bed. it has been a long, tiring week. on the other hand, haechan was sitting in front of his laptop. he was trying to fix his phone, trying to find the right angle for you to see his face clearly via facetime. once he felt everything is settled, he just stared at you. he can’t help but smile at your loving features. you are still beautiful as ever, he thought.

but you can see he was also exhausted. his eyes were kind of droopy, longing for some good night sleep. but he decided to stay up to accompany you while you twist and turn, and find the right sleeping position until you fall asleep.

“not going to bed, haech?”

“i’ll let you sleep first, baby.”

then a faint smile slowly crept on your face.

you thought it was cute. he is still the haechan you knew when he mustered up the courage to say he likes you on that one night in that one september night. you thought it was funny, even. he cannot look you in the eyes when he confessed, shy and all. it was unusual for someone who is loved by plenty to still giggle and blush like a little kid. haechan remains humble, head on the clouds but feet on the ground. and that is why despite the doubts and risks of accepting his love, you took the leap of faith, and haechan never failed to make you feel special every single day.

but with the tremendous amount of work lined up in his unpredictable schedule, you cannot help but feel… sorry.

you would be lying if you say you purposely did not answer some of his calls because he was persistent to see you when he gets the chance to do so.

january 16, 1:07am | haech wrote:

january 16, 1:07am | haech wrote:

where were you?

you weren’t picking up :(

you can almost hear haechan sulking as you read his text.

january 16, 2:15am | you wrote:

just out, haechan.

january 16, 2:16am | haech wrote:

tell me about your day? :)

there were at least six missed calls that you refused to answer before this. as you watched your phone vibrating, you just wished he would… stop. it was also two in the morning from where he is, currently touring and all, while you just came back from work and slept. timezones, the distance; you can’t help but to wonder why he still stays.

january 16, 2:20am | you wrote:

tired, baby.

january 16, 2:20am | haech wrote:

just five minutes, please?

but you just left him on read. the way he waited for you to response as he replied instantly for your texts is already bothering you. you also clearly did not know back then why you would do such a thing to haechan until weeks passed by…

it never occurred to you what exactly it was until you have seen him yawning and falling asleep as the both of you catch up on what has been going on with your lives. you clearly knew it was guilty to have him around while he was struggling to maintain his life and work. the guilt rushed in when he started texting almost apologetic messages saying “i’m sorry, i fell asleep.”, “have a great day, baby! i know you could do it!”, and the recent and out-of-the-blue text message he sent that sent you the urge to hit the block button for his own good:

january 28, 5:55am | haech wrote:

baby. i hope you never get tired of me… of this. i know it has been a rough couple of weeks of us being in different parts of the world. you don’t know how much i want to hold you, kiss you, and hug you at every chance i get. please wait for me to come home. please never be tired. i’m willing to work this out. i’ll make time for you, baby.

don't leave me, please?

and by that time, you knew haechan has been also feeling you were about to back down. it is just that the assumed reasons were different. haechan feels he was losing you because of the lack of time and distance he spends with you, and you, on the other hand, are willing to sacrifice this love that you wanted to keep for a long so he could continue living freely.

so you decided to talk to haechan tonight.

he deserved to at least receive a proper goodbye.

“what time is it there, haech?”

“it’s…” haechan looked at his watch, eyebrows scrunched and all, “two-thirty a.m.”

“aren’t you tired?”

“not when i see you, baby.”

you felt like your heart is about to burst from being squeezed so tightly. you removed your phone from your face and let the camera face in front of the ceiling. you were suppressing your whimpers. it hurts to hear those words; those words that were carefully curated for you to be heard so you would be convinced he is enduring it all when he is not. and giving up the fight is only the answer you have.

“baby…?” haechan asks for you. “still there?”

“yeah, yeah.” you wiped your tears away and faked a forced smile for him to see. you picked up your phone and made sure he could not see any hints of you hurting. “just… picked up something.”

“oh, okay.”

you can hear haechan singing baekhyun’s love again, and you just smiled through the entire mini-show, exclusively for you. he loved singing and sharing his favorite songs with you. you were never a fan of ballads until he came into your life, and suddenly everything felt at ease. but you had to ask before you.

“does it get tiring sometimes, haech?”

“what do you mean?”

“this.”

he looked straight at the camera and stopped the music playing in the background. haechan kind of stood still for seconds, bracing himself on where this conversation is going. but he responded upfront and with no hesitations.

“never.”

“why?” you asked.

“because it’s you.”

“why do you still stay?”

“because it’s you.”

“why do you keep saying it’s me?”

“because i love you.”

haechan can feel the series of questions from you being said so nonchalantly and so monotonously. he already knows your walls are building themselves up as he continuously answers. it was frustrating to see that you were no longer convinced, that the i love yous no longer work.

“stop saying that, haechan.”

“it’s haech.”

“what do i even do for you?”

“you—you make me happy, baby.”

“just go to sleep, haechan.”

“i won’t.”

“why?”

“because i know i won’t be seeing you in the morning after this.”

and you know he was right. you were already consumed by the thought of leaving and convinced he makes himself strong in front of you despite the circumstances.

but haechan is not ready to give it all up, not just yet.

“listen to me, baby. please?”

you turned off your camera, and you can see haechan slightly panicking. but he had to keep his composure still.

“every day, i choose you. my heart chooses you. i come back to you because my heart says so—that you keep me sane. you keep me feeling things; that you keep me afloat; that you keep me human.” haechan insists.

“you are that tiny light that i see whenever i come back to my apartment; and when i see it, it feels like someone’s waiting for me to come home, baby.

you are that someone, baby. you love me because i can fall crumbling and all because you are my home. and you accept my flaws.

it doesn’t matter if i’m tired and all, because you’re… you’re my rest.”

you let out sobs and your cries were no longer able to be contained. haechan waits for you on the other line to open your camera, or at least say something back. he anxiously taps his foot on the floor.

you picked up your phone and there he was, staring intently at a blank screen, biting his lower lip and teary-eyed.

“loving someone is a choice.

and every day, i choose you.”

and before you end the call, you heard him saying:

"i love you so much.

come back to me, baby, please?”

would you?

“I think communication starts when words are not present at all … I think we put so much emphasis on language, actually silence is so much more important.”

— Marina Abramovic