Had A Minor Crisis When 12ft.io Went Down Yesterday And Thankfully It's Back Now But This Seems Like

all of those funeral options like the tree pod or mushroom shroud or urn with seeds that "feeds" the tree are uhhhh, bullshit. unfortunately. if you want to be a tree when you die, be buried in the ground without a francy casket or embalming, and have a tree planted above you. this is the same thing as any of these hypothetical "tree pods" but it's skipping the scammy cash grab companies trying to capitalize on grief with fake ass science.

cremated remains will not "feed" anything, either. they'll probably impede growth, tbh. cremated remains are non-organic. what's left over after a cremation is hollow, dry, brittle bone fragments that someone like me sweeps up and puts in a big metal blender to create the smooth "ashes" one expects. By all means, go ahead and scatter ashes in nature, but don't expect anything to grow from them.

If you want your body to return to nature after death, go for a green burial or an at-sea burial. there are many dedicated green burial sites in the world, and one also has the option of simply being buried in a more traditional cemetery that allows for simple wicker caskets w/o a vault around them, and the body left unembalmed. If the tree thing is really your jam, go for burial in a dedicated green cemetery that allows your family to plant a sapling above you, or if it is available where you live have your body composted and use the soil to grow plants.

tldr; there are options for green funerals out there, and options for "becoming a tree," but I would not recommend going anywhere near products offering this such as tree pods, etc. as they are expensive scams preying on people's grief for their dumb start up. get composted or green buried 💚🌲 source: I'm a mortuary scientist and provider of both traditional funerals/cremations & green burial/at-sea burial.

Do Hangfire and V.F.D. share a secret criminal past?

An overlooked aspect of “All The Wrong Questions”’s complex plotting is the apparently extensive knowledge Hangfire managed to compile on the V.F.D. organization. It seems that his sinister Inhumane Society acts as an evil (well, slightly more evil) counterpart to the volunteers, copying a number of their most frequent methods: disguises, arson, secret messages, trained animals, etc.

“The jig’s up for Snicket,” Stew sneered. “The boss told me to make sure he suffered. Hangfire has a particular revulsion for members of V.F.D.” [Shouldn’t You Be In School?, Chapter Twelve]

“That’s exactly wrong,” I said. “You’ve concocted a beautiful plan, Hangfire. I’m not going to mangle it.” He turned his mask to me. “But V.F.D. stands for the true human tradition of justice and literature,” he said. “I thought you’d find a lawless world an ugly place.” [Why Is This Night Different From All Other Nights?, Chapter Nine]

But we don’t exactly know HOW and WHY Hangfire got all this information. Dashiell Qwerty is young, but he’s clearly been the librarian of Stain’d-by-the-Sea for quite some time. When did V.F.D. start investigating the secrets of this town? And how does that factor in with the history of Inhumane Society? It seems that Hangfire and V.F.D. are much closer than either cares to admit.

The following article is highly speculative but nevertheless tries to paint a coherent narrative around Armstrong Feint’s start of darkness. Find out how V.F.D. created its own worst enemy after the cut.

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Three abandoned chapels

I just realized, I just bloody realized, Moist Von Lipwig’s story arc is a game of Monopoly through the eyes of a conman going through the board and winning all the pieces.

He has the top hat, the dog, the train (which replaces to automotive in newer boards) the friendship of the Seamstress’ Guild (thimble), the walking iron called Gladys, the boot (he’s the incarnation of the Disc God Fedecks who has winged boots) and also the bag of money.*   He goes to jail, but eventually gets to pass and go. He’s integral in the rehabilitation of civic buildings (post office, bank, mint, the acquisition of land to build a railway and then adding stations to said railway), the owner of up market private property, and also he invents paper money which everyone sort of thinks of as a bit of a game.

His very name, Moist Von Lipwig, is a pun about wearing a fake lip wig or mustache. Like so:

Lord Vetinari is quite literally using him to play a life size version of Monopoly with the city. And winning.

(Amendment: Adora with hear deadly footwear is also the shoe/boot.)

(* Alternates: Sam Vimes is boots, Gaspode and Beggars Guild is dog, Wheelbarrow is Harry King, Thimble is Seamstress Guild, Battlehsip/canon is Assassins Guild/Nobility, Money Bag is Thieves Guild, leaving Moist as Top Hat and Train. ANKH-MORPORK MONOPOLY, GIVE IT TO ME) 

((edited for typos, too busy flailing))!!!!!

Lemony Snicket: Dear reader, if you have just picked up this book, then it is not too late to put it back down.

10-year-old me: I think the fuck not

“Tea should be as bitter as wormwood and as sharp as a two edged sword” - Kit Snicket

can we as a society make puppetry cool again. like lets make it trendy. Mainstream. more people should get into doing it and more people should appreciate it. puppetry requires craftsmanship and charisma and physical acting and vocal performance!! you can’t get that from ai. it has a charm to it that neither 2D nor cg animation has. Have you ever watched a puppetry performance and realized you were genuinely convinced that the puppet was getting into bed or eating something or giving a hug that you wholly forgot there was some guy’s arm in there.

isn’t it lovely. to make a funny little guy to tell stories with. is that not so human of us. it’s such a lovely art form. I love you puppets I love you muppets I love you marionettes I love you handmade sock puppets I love you paper bags with googley eyes I love you armatures I love you I love you I love you!!!!!

In case no one told you growing up

Bras last longer if you let them air dry. Don’t put them in the dryer.

If you have a problem with frizzy hair, don’t dry your hair with a towel. It makes the frizzies worse. (I recently read an article that said to use a t-shirt? I brush mine out and let it air dry.)

Whites wash best in hot water. Everything else can be in cold - save on your electricity bill.

You can kill 99.9% of germs in a sponge by putting it in the dishwasher for a cycle or by microwaving it for 2 min (be sure to make the sponge damp before microwaving and to put a cup half full of water in with it and please DO NOT squeeze the sponge until it has cooled off)

Airing out your room/house and letting sunlight in every so often can decrease the number of household pests like silverfish and ants.

Black underwear is best during your period as stains are less likely to be visible.

To save money, put aside 10% of each paycheck into a savings account. It’ll add up.

Unless your hair has something on/in it (like grease or mud or something), using conditioner first can actually be the better choice. The conditioner holds in the good oils that help you hair look sleek and beautiful, which shampoo would otherwise wash away.

Speaking of shampoo - if you have long hair, washing just the bits that touch your scalp is generally enough. The rest of your hair gets cleaned with just the run off from your scalp.

If you put a tampon in and it’s uncomfortable/you can feel it, you didn’t do it quite right. A properly placed tampon is virtually unnoticeable by the wearer.

Apply deodorant/antiperspirant a couple hours in advance of when you need it. This gives the product the chance to block your sweat glands. Using deodorant just before going somewhere where you’ll sweat (this means walking outside for people in high humidity places) results in your sweat washing the deodorant off and starkly limiting its usefulness.

After running the dryer, use the dryer sheet from that load to brush out the lint catch - it gets everything off in a fraction of the time it’ll take you to get it clean with your bare hands. Paper towels also work well.

Wash your face everyday, or as often as possible. Forget which brand of cleanser is best. Just washing your face everyday will guarantee you clearer skin. And do you best not to pop pimples, as tempting as the urge may be.

Fold laundry asap after taking it from the dryer to avoid wrinkles. This may seem obvious for dress shirts and silly for things like t-shirts, but you’ll notice the difference even then once your shirts stop looking like unfolded paper balls.

Hi, Sleuth! I've been rereading LS' 13 suspicious incidents, and in Sub file B, there seems to be a side B to every incident. I wonder what do you make of them? Do you think the various reptile mentions are references to the overlying plot that concerns the Bombinating Beast? Or do you think it could have something to do with Monty's reptiles? And what do you think the last, nine-lettered word would be? Thank you so much for your time, keep up the amazing work!

Hi, @illiteraven! So sorry to keep you waiting. My Ebook version of “File Under: 13 Suspicious Incidents” doesn’t feature the “Side B solutions”, so I had to leave your question on the backburner for months. Now that I’ve got a copy in my hands, I’ll elaborate.

At first glance these “solutions” which don’t connect to any mysteries seem to be one of Daniel Handler’s literary experimentations. We are skipping to the endings of stories with no proper context. “All The Wrong Questions” is a series of mystery novels, so this could be a commentary on the temptation to skip ahead to the end in order to read the solution.

Then again, some of the Side-B snippets do seem to connect to the mystery of the Bombinating Beast somehow, and there are recurrent characters and themes from one snippet to the other. So maybe they’re remnants of subplots Daniel Handler considered for “All The Wrong Questions” even though they didn’t make it to the final draft.

Deep Mine:Dagwood is most likely a reference to Dagwood Bumstead, a character from famous comic-strip Blondie (Link), who gave his name to the Dagwood sandwich. As a gourmet, Handler would know that. Dagwood is also a pun on a character from its Side-A story Dagmar. The buzzing sound is reminiscent of the Bombinating Beast, as well as the ondulations of the Great Unknown. The Museum could also be a reference to the Museum of Objects.

Backseat:Please refer to my commentary on “Missing pets”.

Quiet Street:The V.F.D. reference is a reminder of the organization’s interest in Stain’d-by-the-Sea, as evidenced later by Lois Dressing’s observation of Lemony’s progress.

Beneath The Street:Secret underground passageways are a specialty of V.F.D. The mention of buzzing sounds also ties with the “Deep Mine” Side-B story.

Small Courtyard:Another mention of Violetta and Dagwood. Apparently their father feared Stain’d-by-the-Sea ‘s stone buildings would eventually get destroyed by “violent animal life”. It seems like he knew the Bombinating Beast was coming. According to Hangfire in the last ATWQ book, a lot of adults actually knew what he was dying but fled out in terror or were assassinated.

Missing Pets:These tanks were probably the same ones Hangfire used to raise/grow his experiments. It’s possible the reptiles were also used as genetic material to manufacture an imitation of the legendary Bombinating Beast. Mrs Flammarion is likely a member of Inhumane Society, just like her husband, and could have been tasked with providing the fish tanks and reptiles.

Large Meal:The salted meat recalls Qwerty’s and Hangfire’s interest in caviar, which also requires a great deal of salt. The local reptilian delicacies could have been a convenient way to explain the disappearance of reptiles in the area, in order to dispose of their bodies after Hangifre’s experiments.

Other Name:The initials are likely “I.S.” or “A.F.” as Inhumane Society and Armstrong Feint are known to steal honeydew melons from Partial Foods.

Sand And Shore:Apparently the abandonned boats in the empty sea are still good for something. Perhaps Cleo Knight could look into that to save her city from economic disaster.

Poor joke:Pretty much what it says on the tin.

Message recorded:Members of V.F.D. seem to carry evidence in their hats, which ties in with a shady adoption deal Arthur Poe is later guilty of in “A Series Of Unfortunate Events”.

Nervous Wreck:“Mother of Icarus” seems to be a parody of “Icarus’s Mother” by Sam Sherpard (1965). The play concerns two men trying to send a secret message during a picnic so their friends don’t realize they intend to crash a plane. So the fact that Lemony is pressing us not to look for a secret message is ironic.

Last Word:The word uttered by the mysterious figure in “Shouted Word” is commonly theorized to be “Ellington”, which has nine letters, so it would fit. Hangfire was probably looking for his daughter in the city, trying to convince her to follow his orders again in exchange for “sparing” her father’s life.

maya angelou in a 2010 facebook post / lori preusch - one thousand stories high, 2016 / vintage library card from the public library of toronto / ta-nehisi coates, between the world and me / matilda (1996) / two pictures from “why our future depends on libraries, reading and daydreaming”, a 2018 photo essay with words by neil gaiman & art by chris riddell / caitlin moran, moranthology / istanbul modern library, turkey / tianjin binhai library, china / real biblioteca del monastario de el escorial, spain / jean-paul sartre, the words / lemony snicket, horseradish / ekua holmes - girl - literature, 2015

i was made for the library