IN LOVE WITH MY FRIENDS

I guess my roman empire is my longest friendship.

Every day I think about us, every time I look at something funny I want to show it to my best friend. We met when we were 10 and she was my first friend ever, we grew up together at the same school till I were 15 and left to do high school in another state.

In those years we were together we've been in several friend groups that with time got separated, but we always stayed together. The problem was that even though we had each other, we would always be looking for a new friend because it seemed we weren't enough for each other, or better, I felt like I wasn't enough for her.

She has always been my best friend but I'm afraid I never have been her best friend, I was just there, I was her friend like every other person was.

After leaving for high school I came back to do college in the same city as her and we're different. Something feels off, she has another friend and I have other friends as well. Maybe I'm selfish but even though I have new friends she will always be my number one but for her I'm just like everyone. I'm not special and I know that she's not obligated to have me as her favorite person just because she's mine, but I guess I want to be loved the same way I love her.

She never starts a conversation, now we have a trio and she only does stuff if there's all of us. We (me and her) alone don't exist anymore.

I hate feeling like this.

KAPOW!!!!!

I'm obsessed with "vampire empire" from big thief, and that's because every time I hear

You turn me inside out, and then you want me outside in

You spin me all around, and then you ask me not to spin

You say you wanna be alone and you want children

You wanna be with me and you wanna be with him

I feel heard!!! Like I relate so damn hard I want to scream and cry and hug someone.

Tell me if you think I'm boring or if you just take me for granted

recognising people's ao3 usernames in the kudos is like taking out a library book and seeing a familiar name like ah, yes, we are both connoisseurs of the art. cheers bitch 🥂

Don’t go wasting your emotion Lay all your love on me

you love so easily, you see a way to love everyone and I think that's amazing but somehow that's so bitter, because you love everyone maybe loving me isn't special

People underestimate how much it fucks you up to be subtly excluded as a kid. I would try to talk to my classmates and be met with disinterest or annoyance. The one friend I had, who I clung to and nodded along to his every word, had other friends he liked just as much or more. And his other friends didn’t care for me at all.

I look back at pictures from the time and see how separated I was from them. I remember knowing I was different. I remember posing questions about the world to the girls playing next to me and realizing that they had never asked the same ones to themselves. That the ways we thought couldn’t be more different.

I kept myself amused with my own fanatical stories and musings in my head. I would wander the playground on a circular path, imagining a friend and being sorely disappointed when it didn’t feel as real as I’d hoped.

There was a bubble separating me from everyone else, thin, and nearly invisible, but with a pearly sheen you could catch under the right conditions. I knew it was there, they knew it was there, and it changed me