Cerulean-bluejays-blog - Jay Bird.

☺pale

Hi, I had this HC about Levihan after Shiganshina and about both of them being broken in a differen way but when I started writing it it because long as fuck, I’m so so so sorry... 🙈

When they get back, Hange is angry. She has this red rage boiling inside of her and she’s almost choking on it. Levi identifies this immifiatelly so the minute they get back he takes charge of her. He’s not rough but he is persistent. He forces her to get bath, helps her get out of her clothes and takes it away to clean it. She hisses at him and hurles all kinds of abuse but it’s her way of coping with the events and he silently accepts it. Later he helps her clean her woulds and forces her to get her wounds checked up by a doctor.

‘No, it’s not ok, it’s gonna get all shitty and infected. Go to a doctor now, you lost an eye! The report will wait.’

She gets frustrated and vents at his something along the lines: ‘Erwin would have never need to check up tiny scratches like these, Levi, I said it’s ok!’

And he goes silent for a minute. Nevertheless, he forces the medical check on her - he gets the doctor to see her in her office. She is angry but not stupid, of course she understands that this had to be done so she is silently grateful.

She doesn’t want to go to sleep and she knows Levi would go check on her so instead of staying in her room or lab, she sneaks off to Moblit’s room. There she curles herself on his bed and lets her muffled cries be silenced by the cushion. The empty room is a painful reminder of everyone she had lost and she contemplates the events of the past days as she cries. Levi does not find her there and she is grateful for that. She needs to mourn.

She watches Levi the next morning as he runs on the training ground and she grits her teeths. He’s the only one out there, only one doing everyday excercise on the verge on sunrise like nothing has happened and she hates him for it. She hates him, herself, everything and everyone, she wants to scream out her anger but it’s so much that she starts to cry instead. Of course, Levi finds her like that which makes her frustrated even more.

‘Have you slept at all?’ he asks her and she doesn’t answer which gives him all the clues he needs.

He tries to take care of her again and calm her down the best way he can but since he’s not really good with words his sentencs come out a bit too rough and she snaps at him: ‘I know I have to make their sacrifice worthy and after everything, after Erwin and all I really don’t need a reminder from you!’

Again, he goes silent for a minute, eventually turns on his heel and heads to the kitchen. He makes her a cup of tea and forces her to go to her room to take a nap. She argues but feels too weak and so she falls onto her sheets that somehow smell like a lavender soup and really falls asleep. Later she discoveres a bag with tea leaves on her desk - Levi got them from a doctor and according to his neetly written note, they should help her to get more relaxed so she could sleep.

She feels slightly better after that and burries herself in work. When Levi comes to check on her she ignores him. She doesn’t want to talk or be taken care of - she is still angry and wants to put that anger to good use.

Levi himself doesn’t seem to be different after the events at the first glance - as soon as they arrived, he starts with the routine. He takes care of the horses. Does the initial reports. Washes Hange, himself, their clothes, boots and weapons. He makes sure the brats got a proper medical care. Makes sure Hange does, she promises she will. Then he checks up on her and after a yellfest he leaves her office and convinces the doctor to go to her. In the meantime, he cleans up his room. He cleans up Hange’s room and lab as well. When he runs out on cleaning their rooms, he starts on cleaning up all the things that did belong to their dead commarades. Over the night he manages to sort a lot of things into boxes so he can take them to their families the next day. He does the usual excercise in the morning and after that he takes the things that were left after his commarades and goes to talk to their families. He tells them about their bravery and sacrifice and he silently listens to their cries. He silently accepts their rage as well. He doesn’t confess to Hange that the giant bruise on his jaw is actually from a brother of one of the fallen recruits - Levi could have ducked but he didn’t. He himself is not sure why and Hange doesn’t seem to care about his face anyways.

Everytime they speak, he feels Hange’s rage boiling inside of her threatening to flood everything and everyone within its reach and so he lets himself be available to that. He lets her vent. He knows that she needs that now and he’s prepared to take another punch in a jaw if necessary.

It’s been three days since they got back and Levi tries to get Hange to sleep once more when she snaps at him again. This time she is vicious, she wants to hurt someone, anyone within her reach, she want to make the whole world suffer with her. She clenches her fists, so close to punching him but eventually she doesn’t. She slams her hands on a desk instead and yells another remark about a burden of being a commander, about Erwin, about how pointless it all has been and about noone understanding it. Levi goes silent again, blank face and then leaves her office to make her tea.

After a few moments Hange hears a loud porcelain bang and weird noices in the kitchen. She goes to check it only to find Levi curled on the floor in the pool of broken cup, spilled tea and, as she realizes immidiatelly by the sharp smell, vommit. His hand is clutching his stomach and he’s shaking feverisly, forehead on the ground, cursing under his breath.

‘Levi?’ Fear suddenly cuts through her like a knife as the memories of all her lost commarades flood her mind.

‘It’s ok,’ he growls, but his shaky voice begs the differ.

She touches his shoulder and feels the tremor in his muscles. He pushes her hand away and his fingers are clammy and cold. ‘Levi, are you sick...?’ she starts when she suddenly realizes something - he did vommit yes, but there seems to be nothing but liquid on the floor.

‘When was the last time you ate?’ she asks sharply.

No answer. Levi tries to get up but aborts the mission as soon as darkness starts to cloud his vision. Instead, he just sits, his face mercifully hidden by his hair and the cover of the night. She starts to examine it anyways as he waits for the sudden wave of weakness to pass.

‘When was the last time you have slept?’ she probes again, starting to have an inkling based on the dark, almost bruise-like circles under his eyes - and wait, is that an actual bruise on his jaw?! For the first time after their return she actually looks at him and realizes his fasade has crumbled in front of her very eyes without her even noticing. How long has he looked like this?

‘Do you resent me, Hange?’ he whispers and she twitches at his soft broken tone.

‘What...?’

‘Do you resent me for the choice I made for all of us?’ He’s looking at her with empty dead eyes as if begging her to yell at him something about Erwin once more, to twist that knife deeper and to put him out of his misery.

And just like that, all of her anger is gone.

She is broken, yes. She misses Erwin and everyone terribly and she doesn’t know how to comprehend their loss. She is suffering by all that had happened. But she is far from being the only one.

‘I’m... I’m sorry,’ she chokes out quitely.

The room falls into silence.

Levi is still shaking but the weekness is slowly melting away. He sighs. ‘I’ll clean this mess...’ he starts but she scoffs.

‘Like hell you will. Come on. I’ll take care of the mess.’

‘I...’

‘I said I will take care of the mess, shorty. That starts with you. Let’s get you something to eat,’ she leans in to help him get up. ‘And then you’re going straight to bed. That’s an order.’

He doesn’t protest. When they get to his room she smells the familiar scent of lavender soup and Hange remembers that it lulled her to sleep for the past days. She feels embarassed when she remembers how many times she lashed out on him.

She gently pushes Levi into a chair. ‘There. Take care of your clothes, I’ll bring you some food.’

She lingers in the door long enough to hear his voice call out her name.

‘Hange...’ he says again and she knows what he wants to ask before he does.

‘No, Levi,’ she stops him softly. ‘I don’t resent you. I didn’t agree. But I understand. I’m sorry for the past few days. We will live through this and make it worthy their sacrifice. Together.’

He doesn’t answer but she can see the relief in his eyes.

She leaves for the kitchen. There she makes a new pot of tea for him and cleans the mess on the floor, well aware of the fact that once Levi gets there in the morning he will clean it again himself anyways. When she gets back to his room with a pot of tea and a plate with food, she finds him still sitting in that chair, still in that dirty clothes. His head has sunk on his shoulder and his chest is rising and falling in a steady pace. For the first time since their return from Shiganshina, he fell asleep.

Hange leaves the plate and the pot on the table, reaches for a blanket and gently covers him with it. As she looks at him, she feels at peace, like she is finally able to start processing what happened. She knows they will never speak of this incident again - Levi is not the one with words and she can’t afford to hesitate now as a commander. But as she leaves the room, she cannot but to linger in the moment just for a bit longer since it filled her with solace and calm for the first time in the past days. ‘Don’t worry, Levi,’ she whispers as the leaves the room and it sounds like a promise. ‘We will make it through together. For them.’

oh my god, anon, wtf, this was so good! like i was literally at the edge of my seat reading this and thinking - oh no, will hange lose it? will she lash out at levi? and then levi! when he collapsed in the kitchen - i kid you not - i actually gasped lmao

you wrote it so good, described what hange and levi are going through so well, i could practically feel the tension and their grief

thanks for sharing this with me! you're very talented✨💖

“Levi and Hange being a comedic duo”

Finally someone made a video like this! Dey so cute 🥰

She's your adorable.

She texted me: “Your adorable.”

I replied: “No. YOU’RE adorable.”

Now she thinks I like her. All I did was point out her typo. 

i d e k

[Part 3] The tear ducts that burned away

chapter 69 got me like (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻