May Sarton, Journal Of A Solitude

she looked at him, and for a moment, a profound sadness fell over her. it was not born of grief, like her sadness often was these days, nor of pity, because there was never a time when she looked upon him with pity. she had never seen him as anything but strength, and while she had long understood that he carried the weight of a crown, she looked at him now and saw the weight of the world. the politics of it all made her head swim, and she could not imagine how much worse it was for owen.

"sounds exhausting," and not just for owen. the arrival of more women in court would mean more women she would have to talk to, when she already only found herself comfortable in the presence of a select few.

dacey nodded her assent. war was an ugly thing. she knew there was supposed to be honour and glory found in it, but while she could look at those who fought and think them brave, she could not see it as anything other than a tragedy. "in that, you have my support. anything to prevent further bloodshed." if there was any cause she would dedicate herself to, it would be that one.

their conversation oscillated from politics to personal, and while it was the former dacey struggled to immerse herself in, it was the latter that owen was reticent to discuss. "i understand, but i am your sister." a ghost of a smile flitted across her face. it was easy to forget that she could be stubborn. "and my duty to my brother is equal to my duty to my king. when you have some hours to be owen, then i will make time to be dacey."

"If someone can get a king to marry their choice, they stand to gain a great deal. If it's not from the King himself then they stand to gain from the Queen. There will be an influx of courtiers, many who haven't left after the end of things with Rosa's funeral are sending for women to join them here." And he would share this with her but they were hoping he would sleep with their daughter or their sisters and then the Lord would show up and demand a marriage. With the beginning of responsibility brought on the end of what he enjoyed these days. Women.

"I grow tired of war, sister. Let us do everything we can o prevent one from happening and perhaps look beyond our realm and our connections." He dragged his fingers through his beard, he would have to shave soon. He would have to do something to ensure he presented himself as someone that wore the crown of the north. And not the images of Kings from times long ago. Ages of heroes. No. He would look like a King.

Owen looked at her when she asked him about how he was feeling and he thought for a moment. Raised his mug, finished his beer, and then refilled it before looking back at her and then towards the window. "If we start talking about that I fear we'll be here for hours and I can only be Owen so many hours a day."

"oh," it was an offer dacey very much wanted to accept, and yet, something held her back from a simple yes. "only if it is not any trouble. i'd hate to take you away from something important." her eyes slid to the door of the sept. clearly, the woman had come here for prayers of her own, but perhaps she needed to step away from this place as much as dacey did. "but if it isn't inconvenient, i'd like that very much." the old gods might not be the way of this new valyria, but perhaps the woman might find a balm for her sorrows in its quiet, its peace, as dacey often did herself.

she had not thought to find kindness in a place like this, in a city like this. dacey was not someone who was quick to befriend others, nor find comfort in them, but she supposed that made it all the more beautiful to find it in a place she did not think to look, in the most unlikely of places. there was something about this woman, and perhaps it was simply because she could see herself in her. a more tearful version perhaps, for it was rare that dacey shed them, but the emotions were the same, the overwhelming feeling of it all, the self-consciousness.

and then, she fell out of place beside dacey, coming to a halt in the middle of the street. dacey turned to face her then, and when she saw the recognition in her face, she almost felt disappointed. she might have been the most absent of the starks, but with her title came a recognition of her name that she had never felt comfortable with. it was there her mind went first - that the woman had identified her as one of the princesses of the north, and that was what had startled her so.

"oh, no, please..." she began, quickly, wanting to assure her that there was no need to stand on formalities, but then came the half-whisper of her name. dacey. her name, not her title, and it spoke of familiarity where it should not have existed. she was sure they had never met, but why did it seem otherwise?

i've written to you. in an instant, the confusion cleared from dacey's expression, replaced with a recognition of her own, of understanding. she recalled words on a page, the thud of anticipation when a letter arrived, graceful handwriting and flowers drawn in margins. here was her ink and paper friend, a woman who had existed only through words, now made flesh and blood.

"i..." she began, her voice soft and uncertain. the din of the city seemed to have silenced. all there was, was two women, who knew each other so intimately, and yet not at all. "but of course you are. you're naelys."

for a moment, dacey did not want to do. the correspondence between the two had been a source of solace during the best and worst of times, a safe place in which to confide the doubts of her heart that she spoke to nobody else. her hands twitched, as though to reach out, but she stopped herself, instead clasping them together.

"thank me? oh, no, thank you." her own cheeks coloured faintly pink. "your letters were - you were - a friend when i needed it the most. i don't know that i can put into words how grateful i am for them." perhaps not verbally, at least. it was almost laughable how her first instinct to metting naelys in the flesh was to write to her about it in a letter.

"and now you are here," a tentative smile broke through her expression. "when i thought about what it might be like to meet you, it was not... like this." she briefly released her right hand from the grip of her left, and gestured to the city around them. "shall we continue to the godswood? it might be easier to talk where it is quieter."

¿

naelys’ breath felt shallow as she lingered on the steps, the heavy air of king’s landing pressing down on her. the woman’s voice had been soft, a kind of balm against the clamor in her mind, but the words themselves barely registered at first. it was the tone that drew her—the quiet understanding, the gentleness of someone who knew what it was to carry the weight of an unwelcome world.

she clung to that tone as she focused on her breathing, her fingers restlessly tracing the silver lace of her corset. her mind wandered to the past, to the long evenings spent writing letters by candlelight, pouring her heart out to someone who existed only in words. that correspondence had been her anchor. how strange, then, to feel a similar warmth in the presence of a stranger.

the mention of the godswood stirred her from her thoughts. perhaps this is a chance, she thought, to offer some comfort, even if i can hardly find it for myself. her voice was quiet when she spoke, almost tentative. “if you’d like… i could walk you to the godswood. it’s peaceful there—quieter. you deserve a place to pray that feels right.” she wasn’t sure why she offered. perhaps it was the familiarity she sensed in the woman, though naelys couldn’t place it. it wasn’t her face—she was certain they’d never met. but the way she carried herself, the gentle self-deprecation in her tone, felt like a note struck in harmony with her own being.

as they began to walk, naelys listened to the woman speak of the north. the descriptions painted vivid images in her mind—stark landscapes, fierce wolves, ancient trees. it sounded so unlike the gilded, suffocating halls of king’s landing. she felt a pang of longing, not for the north itself, but for the sense of freedom the woman seemed to describe, a freedom naelys had never known. when the woman mentioned winterfell, something shifted. the word felt heavy, like a stone dropped into still water, rippling outward.

winterfell. her mind darted to her letters, to the friend who had shared fragments of that very place with her. her heart began to race, her thoughts scrambling to piece together what now seemed so obvious.

naelys stopped mid-step, her fingers tightening against the lace of her corset as she turned to face the woman. “winterfell?” she repeated, her voice barely above a whisper. “you’re... you’re not—?” naelys’ breath hitched, and for a moment, she could only stare. her voice trembled as she spoke, barely able to contain the flood of emotions surging within her. don't cry, don't cry more. don't be foolish. “dacey,” she whispered. “it’s you. oh, gods. i... i’ve written to you for years, and now...”

for some reason, she bowed her head. people usually introduced themselves properly when meeting in person? "hello...i am lady naelys velaryon, your highness." naelys felt her cheeks flush, a mix of embarrassment and vulnerability taking hold of her. she swallowed hard, forcing herself to meet dacey’s gaze. the words spilled out unbidden, her voice tinged with disbelief and wonder. “you don’t know how much your letters meant to me. they were—” she hesitated, her gaze dropping to the ground. “thank you for them."

anya spoke of pride, of the strength of standing alone. dacey was no stranger to self-imposed isolation, in shouldering her worries alone, but that was where the similarity stopped. her own reasons were quieter, less fierce. she bore things alone not because she believed it made her stronger, but because she feared the weight of her burdens on those she might share them with. there was no sense of northern honour, no streak of independence that she might take comfort in. it was simply easier to swallow the heaviness in silence rather than risk becoming another stone around someone else's neck. were anya chose to hold it like a shield of defiance, dacey's solitude was a habit she had worn for so long it was second nature.

and still now, dacey did not share what was on her mind, instead choosing to continue to speak of anya with a soft smile on her face. "i've often found that to be the case. people can be cruel, i won't deny that, but your own mind is often crueller." others could light the flame, but it was insecurity that often fanned it to an inferno. away from the comforts of home, those feelings were amplied tenfold. "we forget that we see every flaw in ourselves too easily. we can't ignore the cracks that exist within us, and so we expect others to see them just as clearly." her gaze softened when she looked at anya, understanding the weight of admitting such thoughts aloud. "the north was never supposed to be endured alone, i think. we have always been strongest when we stand together. my company is yours to take whenever you have need of it."

and yet as she spoke of unity, it did not escape dacey's thoughts that the north was a court that was growing more and more divided. it felt like she was standing on a frozen river, watching hairline fractures appear in the ice beneath her feet but powerless to move before they cracked below her. the true north cast a growing shadow, but it was another discomfort she held close to her chest, not daring to voice aloud. especially not here, where the image of seeming steadfast mattered so much more.

"embarrass us?" a small frown appeared on dacey's face, and she shook her head. "oh, no, no. i don't think that has been on... well, anybody's mind." but as she thought about the other women, the way it seemed to come so naturally to them what even dacey wore uncomfortably, she could not deny that she couldn't see the root of anya's worries. "the king, my family, we all know who you are, anya. if we had fear of that, i am sure owen would have had no qualms about asking you to remain at winterfell." her teeth came down to chew at her lip, considering what she was about to say next. "but i understand it. the fear of it, i mean. if there is anything i can do to help you, i will." she had never been one to allow someone to face the world alone. she would not start now.

Anya listened intently, letting Dacey's words settle over her. They carried a quiet wisdom that reminded her of why she admired the Stark princess so. Though the paths they walked were different, there was a shared understanding between them, a recognition of the burdens that came with forging their places in the world. Dacey’s observation struck a chord. People never really see you how you see yourself. It was a truth Anya had long grappled with, given her origins, given how she had grown up. The raven-haired woman thought that sometimes she saw more worth in herself than others did, and sometimes it was the other way around. It was a strange sort of cycle in which she moved.

“I suppose that’s true,” she agreed with a nod, a faint smile touching her lips. “Perhaps it’s for the best, in some ways. We can be harder on ourselves than anyone else could ever be”. Perhaps the worst kind of thoughts about her, were the ones she'd conjured herself. Anya’s dark eyes searched Dacey’s face, noticing the princess’s quiet strength, the subtle resilience in her words. And then there was an offer in the princess' words, something that felt like she was extending friendship. “For so long I thought there was pride, there was strength, in standing alone,” Anya admitted. “But I don't always want to be strong... I don't always wish to stand alone”. It felt like both immense weakness and great strength to confess such a thing. “I’m grateful for your company, for your understanding. It’s… rarer than I’d like to admit”.

The judgment could come from the West or from any other place, Anya knew. The princess was right once more, in saying that there could always be something to judge. The Yuan lady knew it was impossible to bend and shape herself in every way that would please others. She'd not done it a day in her life, and it was maddening that as a lady, she was no considering such outside opinions. She shrugged then, the gesture half-defiant, half-resigned. “Well, let them think what they will, I suppose,” she murmured.

“I do still have to learn how to be a better lady, though,” she added with a little chuckle despite herself. “I would hate to embarrass the king and your family because I've not been raised like others have”. Anya's tone was less doubtful, however, more light-hearted in the knowledge that there was still more for her to learn, and having the humility to admit it.

Elizabeth Olsen as Wanda Maximoff WANDAVISION | Season 1 Episode 9

I've been worried ever since I was born

a temporary hush fell between them. usually when such silences fell, it kicked dacey's mind into overdrive, always assuming the worst of herself, always trying to figure out where she had gone wrong. but there was reassurance in his voice, and her cheeks turned half a shade more flushed when it hit her that she had missed the point, completely overlooked that this was simply banter between brothers, even if one of the brothers were not there to hear it. it still did not feel like her place to poke fun at aleksander behind his back, but neither did she need to explain and overexplain it, neither. she breathed out, and nodded her head once more. "thank you."

it was a common pattern for dacey. for a brief moment, her defences would lower enough for her to speak without thinking, until her mind caught up with her and forced her to re-examine what she had said. and then she would doubt herself. she spun, but continued to try and maintain eye contact with him, glancing back over her shoulder with her neck twisted at an awkward angle until the only option was to turn her head the other way. for a brief second, confusion flitted over her face, for when he announced his intention to speak with the hand, her mind still went to him first, not nasir manderly. "i am sure that will put many minds at ease."

he mentioned speaking to the king, and it would not be hard for him to notice how dacey tensed at the idea. was that a good idea? she opened her mouth, then closed it again. unless you think it best. was that a rhetorical question, or was he truly asking her opinion? she wanted to reassure him that owen would want to speak with him, and a part of her believed that to be true, but though he was her brother, she would not deny the truth - brandon knew him best. even now, he knew him better than dacey did.

"i don't know," she admitted, softly. there was worry, the sort of worry she always felt when she thought about owen these days. "i'd like to be able to tell you that i think he would prefer to hear it from you himself, but i truly don't know, brandon. do you want to speak with him?"

♞

the quickness to which the princess of the north, those the songs often dubbed as the rose of snow within the lands of karhold, took to attempting to defend aleksander karstark made brandon go momentarily quiet - though not for reasons one may have assumed. not because he felt as though she were interceding on something that was not hers to deal with, nor because he found the closeness she shared with aleksander to be questionable or inappropriate: but rather because it felt as though she had missed the part where it were clear the brothers of karhold were joking.

"i know, yer highness." his words were quiet but reassuring under the sound of the music as they continued to dance, his hand still resting respectfully on her hip as they spun around; he was careful not to barge her into any other couple on the dance floor. she were over explaining herself, in a way that would no doubt show far more of her state of mind than his own. "he'll not hear a word from me about it." a part of him wondered if this was the consequence of a clear change in sibling dynamics, what happens when the oldest brother is no longer that, but a king too.

for some reason the sight of the smallest of heads nods, the acknowledgement of his word, seemed to cause him a sense of relief - that there was at least one of the royals that understood the movement had not been encouraged by him, nor those who spoke it. none would find brandon karstark within their halls, igniting their whispers and their flames; not so soon after the weapons had been laid to rest. "i intend on speaking with the hand of the king himself on it. enough has befallen us all, i will not speak in riddles or wait in the shadows." he spun her around, watching as she turned.

whether brandon thought it was his truth, was something else entirely. he agreed with the sentiment. he agreed with what was being said. only, he did not agree with the timing; nor did he agree with the method in which such rumour was being spread. "unless you think it best for me to speak to the king himself." the king, instead of owen; there was so much change in wording, words that still felt foreign upon his lips. he watched as thought crossed over her features; no doubt, a sense of kindness remained upon her face.

dacey knew that she should mourn the death of her cousin - but she also knew she had little more grief to give. watching her family dwindle one by one had all but made sure of that. whilst she did not have enough space in her heart to grieve for merindah blackwood, she could offer some comfort to maggie, or at least, try to. she wasn't sure how much of that she could offer, if her cousin felt the same as she did ; that they were united in grief, even if they were not mourning the same loss.

but maggie's voice was tired, in a way dacey could not remember hearing it be before, and the tidings from raventree hall were predictably not ones of joy and cheer. "how old are your youngest brothers, now?" the query was gentle. she knew the boys were both still young, and could not honestly say when the best age to understand death and loss could possibly be. in an ideal world, not until your hair turned grey, but that was not the way of the world they lived in. "what of lucius? and you?" she spoke of her younger brothers, but said little of herself.

she swallowed thickly, giving a quick nod of her head. it was easier to manage how she felt about her sisters if she did not think about it, did not talk about it. maggie did not need to know that every moment spent alone, they were the only thing on her mind. that even when she dreamed, it was of her sisters riding through the gates of winterfell, wolves heads instead of their own, the same as jon.

"i almost didn't want to come," she confessed, dropping her voice to a whisper, as though if anybody heard her, she would be cast out. "i still think perhaps i shouldn't have. though i am glad it means i can spend some time with you."

her cousins hand giving hers a reassuring squeeze made maggie feel a sense of compassion she hadn't encountered in some time. she knew the stark's, as well, were dealing with immense losses, not just with the war that ravaged over heir lands, but with the disappearance of two siblings, the former death of another, it surely put perspective onto her own circumstances. regardless, she knew there was not comparing of grief, only enduring. and she hoped that they might be a comfortable presence to one another while they simply endured.

maggie returned the squeeze of the others hand, a ghost of a smile coming upon her lips as she rose to her normal height now. her hands came to clasp in front of her now, and it seemed for a moment there wasn't quite anything to say - where would one start? normally the lady of raventree hall could maintain conversation well, but she felt at a loss of words, and had for some time.

a nod, she responded with, wisps of scarlet tresses falling over her face, and a hand rose to push them back as she tried to surmise just had to answer such a thing. "thank you, cousin." she responded, voice weary and tired, a show of her true feelings for the first time she their arrival to the west. "we are all doing as well as expected, i think." which wasn't all that well, in reality. "benadict seems to have immersed himself into the duties of his new position." another blow, but maggie understood it, almost relieved by it, strangely. "hugo and little sam seem to struggle with comprehending it." they were young, and not young. she realized she hadn't had opportunity to really discuss such things with them, but figured their mother had taken that upon herself.

"and i am sorry for you all, as well." maggie swallowed, taking a deep inhale. "my ear is always yours should you need it." there was a small beat of silence as she looked about the hall. "this place does not make dealing with such circumstances much easier, do they?"

dacey nodded her head. one step each day. it was good advice in theory, if not for the fact that it felt like she was descending a steep set of stairs in the dark. if any of those one steps was on uneasy footing, she would go plummeting to the bottom. even when her feet found the ground, merely trying to find it made her stomach feel like it was trying to leap out of her throat. she had no idea if there was an end to the descent, but there had to be. seffora had similarly had to navigate her own darkened staircase, and now was starting to speak of the light at the end of it. perhaps, with time and patience, dacey could arrive there too.

she stayed quiet when seffora hugged her, her own arms coming up to hold her friend tight. she did not know if seffora knew how grateful she was for her support in that moment. though dacey had shared only a fraction of her worries, she felt lighter, unburdened in some ways. she made a mental note to send seffora a token of that appreciation before they returned to their respective lands once more.

"then you must be serious," the ghost-smile on her lips turned into something more genuine. dacey's melancholy had a permanent presence in her, but there were occasions where she could put it to the side, and this was one of them. "but you did not come all the way to the west to listen to my complaints. let's talk of happier things while we have time to spend together."

Seffora continued to hold her friend's hand, both grateful and saddened by this intimate space of trust and vulnerability the two shared. She never wished to see a loved one struggling, of course, but she also understood that sometimes it were the moments of an aching heart that brought people closer together. “One step each day,” she said to the princess. Some days it would be a step forward and some days it would feel like a step backward. And it was alright that it was so. Grief and heartache were not linear processes, she'd learned.

There was undoubtedly a warm, physical nature to Seffora in how she reached to hold hands or touch shoulders. For her most dear ones she couldn't help but wish to offer an embrace, and so she moved closer to Dacey to give her a hug.

“You can disagree,” Seffora chuckled then, her expression still soft, though with some more gladness in her eyes now “But know I will stubbornly insist upon it. It's the only thing I'm willing to contradict a princess about,” she half-joked. It was the beautiful thing about friends, she supposed, that she could see something in Dacey that the princess did not see in her herself, and vice versa. She experienced this with the Northern princess, and with Laena too —the subtle and tender ways in which they lifted each other up, trying to make the other see and recognize what others might have instilled into them to be blind to. It was the way in which girls —women— could do more than just survive in this world, but actually learn to thrive.

"hmm." dacey's own response was a low hum of acknowledgement. would she have liked the reach? she wasn't certain. it certainly seemed as though it would have been less overwhelming than king's landing, and all that transpired there. and yet, it was the latter that had tempted her from the north. perhaps there had been something within her that had sensed what was to come, that she would be needed in a way she had never been before.

"perhaps i would have." or perhaps she would have felt similarly to how she did in the crownlands, lost and shy and adrift. that was not lord manderly's concern, though, and so she kept it to herself. she already felt as though she was sharing too much with him, more than he asked for, at least. it would seem that the more present she was, the more difficult it was to shut up.

and that was the precise wrong way to be - at least, around nasir it was. she was getting along just fine before, when they could comfortably keep their distance from one another, but that distance had become less tenable, and would continue to do so the more time he spent as her brother's hand.

and yet. despite her own discomfort, the prospect of him not being the hand was worse than the prospect of seeing his face in her home more often than she was used to. the north needed the stability of a steady hand, and if it could no longer be brandon karstark, she trusted her brother's judgement, that nasir was the best man for the job.

"you don't have to." the refusal was quick to fall from her lips. "i would like to be prepared, i mean, but that's not exactly within your remit. i won't bother you with that." and she was over-explaining, trying to make the burden of her own existence a little smaller for others and somehow feeling more of an irritant than ever.

and she nodded, for of course there were reasons beyond that which she understood. "of course." she should have known that owen would have his reasons, his presence would be necessary, but did that mean she would need to go, too? almost as soon as the thought materialised, she felt guilty for it. she still had not quite found where she could be most useful to the north, but it would not be hiding behind the walls of winterfell.

"do we have a gift prepared?" she wondered aloud. "from the north, i mean. for the baby?"

✯

"i did think so." his response in reaction to her words about never having visited the reach, nor the westerlands; there was no denying the fact that of all the courtly beating hearts within the continent, it was the kingdom of thorns and roses that seemed the most culturally developed. a variety of differences between them, and yet their lands were filled with both the necessary for survival, and so much more.

whilst many northerners turned their noses up at the frequent trips the manderlys of white harbour took further south, there was no denying the fact that it had given them something many others did not have - perspective. "we were all there only some months ago, for the coronation of king cedric, following the end to their civil war."

it had been the height of discussion and gossip at the time, how brother had turned against brother; and it had resulted in one root of house tyrell being pulled from the dirt, the body of the eldest son left hanging from a window for all to see.

"perhaps you may have liked it." and suddenly, nasir began to wonder whether he were speaking too much; this princess was one he did not often find himself speaking with, for he did not speak much to any of the stark princesses. there was no denying the fact that dacey was now being forced to be present, because of the troubling issues which had arisen. that left much silences to either allow to grow between them, or fill.

"...do you want me to tell you of the westerlands?" the hand of the king asked, half hoping she would honestly say no, and the conversation could come to an end. why did it feel so strange each time they crossed paths with one another? why did he always find himself wondering whether he had been mistakenly rude? he knew he could do that at times, yet he were always quick to pull back and clarify.

but then she asked another question, one which there was no shortening the conversation of. "the king has been waiting for the right time to approach the lion king with some offer. there is no better time than when the man is of higher spirits - when his son has been born." there was only so much the north could do; search parties were out, but he began to wonder whether both stark princesses had involved themselves in the ritualistic practices of hags of the woods.

in that case, the only person responsible for what happened to them, was them. "there is little use in letting the opportunity slip."

Charles Bukowski, "no title," from What Matters Most is How Well You Walk through the Fire