Andrea Gibson

Citizen Illegal, José Olivarez

[ Text ID: love left you. / then you left you. / now all you have / is this disappearing body. ] 

what if, I'm always gonna stay this way? afraid of being someone's person

heaviness.

this week i felt so heavily taxed it’s like i’m being robbed of something.

i don’t want to be here. i don’t want to be around anyone but a few, i don’t want to be perceived, i don’t want to be thought of. i don’t want the smiles from certain people because i don’t deserve them, i have fooled them with only a few actions they’ve seen of me and the surface that looks clean and flawless. that’s the thing— if only they knew me deeply would they maybe back the hell away, not smile as much, refuse to look me in the eye with such cordiality.

i am not even being cruel to myself. i am honesty right now. this heaviness weighs on my back like a load i can’t pretend isn’t there anymore. i look in the mirror and the reflection is so tired, so fed up. if only i could open the minds of people around me just to erase the memory of me from them and disappear somewhere. if only everyone forgot me for a second, and i had no trace of prior existence— a fresh start where i can begin newly again, where perhaps even i’d be known to myself as someone with less baggage, less of all the bad things that have happened to me and continue to happen under the surface which makes it all the more insidious and sickening. i am tired of myself. of the people who made me who i am today. i hope to get lighter. so much so that i fly away as if filled with helium, never to come back down on this wretched planet with its wretched people who see the worst in me and the deceived who see the best in me.

The lights almost out now.

Will I be too needy and greedy

to be asking for a 50mint long hug?

Cause, I want to be swallowed by the

feeling of warmth in my body

I can feel my heart turning to a stone

Everytime I run towards love, i could

feel my stone cold heart knocking

against my rib cage

it breaks my bones

it hurts a lot

and sit still for a while

until it goes away.

Until I meet someone new

who again makes me want to feel

embrace the warmth.

But the cycle continues.

[slow dancing, silk textures, hands on her waist, fireworks, velvet touch, euphoric music, black dresses, red roses, moonlit serenade slow songs, lana del rey, letters, lips, forehead to forehead, eye contact, gentleness, candlelit ambiance, whispered secrets, starlit night, soft whispers, vintage charm, lingering perfume, shared laughter, hidden glances, stolen moments, timeless romance.]

I mean, I do have this placement but let's see. Manifesting✨️💅

Moon darakarka (in female chart)

Future spouse ( green flag)

Caring

Emotional

Loyal

Emotional supportive

Nurturing

Deep eyes

Sensitive

Protective

Good cook

Quotes by Sylvia Plath, The Journals of Sylvia Plath

— Carol Rifka Brunt in Tell The Wolves I'm Home

There's distractions and then the feeling slipping in between your ribs, and it doesn't go away It doesn't seem to have a cause or an end so you just keep yourself busy enough Enough to ignore it and sometimes forget it exists, then everyone goes home and you go home and it slips right back in between your ribs like it never left because it never did. Because there's nothing wrong Not with anything surrounding you, it's something broken inside of you, But I've never known how to fix that and at this point I don't think I ever will.