Digital-dissociation-blog - Digital Dissociation

I'm stupid....and want to die...

me: Fine. Don’t talk to me. You think I need you to message me all the time? Ha. I don’t even care. I don’t even care, not even a little. You want to ignore me fine. Go ahead. I don’t even care. You think I need your constant presence and attention. Laughable. I was alone way before I even met you. Pure childs play. Don’t even @ me. Don’t even bother saying anything to me. I don’t need or want it anyway. 

me 1 minute later: *sobbing* I’m sorry please don't leave me. Fuck I need you. Where are you. What did I do wrong. Was it something I said two months ago? Have you left me like she did, ghosted me?? If I attempt to reach out will you block me?? What did I do?? Im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sor- me 1 minute after that: *trying to think rationally* He’s probably just sleeping. Hes probably busy with schoolwork. Or babysitting. Or the bank. Or family stuff. Or- me 1 minute later panicked: But he always messages you morning. Even when hes busy. He would have let you know. He would have said something if he was going to be away...What if something bad has happened?? What if something horrible has happened to him?? What if hes hurt?? What if something happened to his family?? What if hes suicidal and not telling me and I’m going to lose him??? Oh god oh fuck oh no oh fuck oh god me: What if hes just ignoring you? What if he just doesn’t want you anymore? What if he hates you? What if you pissed him off and didn’t realize it? What if- me minutes later:.....Fine. Don’t talk to me. You think I need you to message me all the-- and repeat forever.  

Have I already told the person this thing? Have I only thought about telling them? Have I only dreamt about telling them? Or am I going to tell them and find out I already told them 3 times before?

Ｒ∆ＤＩＯ ＮＯＷＨヨＲヨ

Sed the Depressed Hoarder of Bananas and Chocolate syrup 

Ｇ ∆ /\/\ ヨ Ｂロ Ｙ

me: Ok brain. We need to be moving on. We can’t keep hyper fixating on someone not interested in us like that. It's not good. It's hurting us. BPD brain: You’re right. Understandable. Request considered.  Youtube: -Plays an emotional bop- Me: O h n o MDD:  did somebody ask for ♥ r o m a n t i c ♥ d a y d r e a m s ♥ ? Me: Wai tno  please dont do it MDD: -Does it- BPD: You know what. When you put it that way. Request denied. Me: 💕 💕 💕🎀  𝐹𝓊𝒸𝓀  🎀 💕 💕 💕  *Smitten*

I got in a bit of work today. But also apparently I am having a sciatica flare up in my left leg. Not fun. Sharp pain from my back going down to my calf/side of my leg. But I have to sit here and get this work done. Bleh.

Welp

Today is a “ If it exists on/in my body, It 100% hurts” .

Fun. I want to do absolutely nothing, but I have to smile and pretend my body isnt aching like its been hit by several buses at high speeds since I have things to do today. My mother doesn’t believe me or seem to care about my pain, so.

Yay..