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The bone chilling winter comes after my soul

as I run through the slippery woods

plummeting inside the abyss.

i'm so sensitive that sometimes my brain makes my emotions go numb as a self-defense mechanism

It's so much easier to push people away. I don't want to feel anything. I want to turn off my emotions and self destruct. I refuse to feel grief or any strong emotion that I just don't want to feel. I'd rather not think about any of those emotions and just keep trying to destroy myself. I can't cope with real life. I'd rather make them hate me. My brain is telling me to push them away. And I can't stop it.

This Morning: A Thread (TW: Suicidal ideation)

My brain: Ugh, not again

How and why am I still alive?

Because I just fell asleep, it's normal

I don't want to be here.

I don't want to be here.

I cannot unalive myself here. I need to wait until I can.

I need to study, get my degree, get a job, start living alone.

Only then will I be able to end it.

Alone, alone, alone.

Yes, only a few more years.

Let's start the day.

I know no one

and

I do not know myself.

You are just a fragment of my imagination

it feels insulting to cry out loud

when some have loved and lost you

and I've only lost.

My name is written in agony and love that consumes me.

I can't form so much as a tear

but I seem to be drowning still.

How accurate.

- j (x)

— In the Future, Jay Hulme, in '100 Queer Poems, an anthology' (2022)

[text ID: I've forgotten what my face looks like / but can easily describe my spine. / The way it bends under pressure, / the way it curves, but will not break.]