It Just Occurred To Me That Darth Vader, Master Engineer, Probably Looked At The Death Star Plans At

The only reason I can't imagine the whole Ani/Obi/Satine/Padmé foursome is because that Anakin and Satine have to share Obi-Wan. Just... that's a disaster waiting to happen. Poor Padmé, having to listen to everyone complain. God, imagine date night? Do they have a schedule???

I AGREE. It might end up with everything In Perfect Balance where they all live happily ever after, but it also could easily just end up being a total disaster. 

While I’m at it, I’ll get up on my soapbox, because I really feel like as a fandom people give Padme way too much credit for “being the sane one”. She’s married to Anakin, you guys. ANYONE is going to look like the sane one by comparison. It’s why Obi-Wan seems Staid and Calm and Rule-Abiding despite the fact that he’s constantly jumping out of windows and chopping off people’s limbs. 

Padme is just as extra as the rest of them. She’s always tearing down hallways firing a gun while wearing a prom dress and a tiara, or marrying a dude she’s known for 45 minutes, 20 of which included him committing mass murder and then yell-crying about it. I love her, a lot, but let’s be real here, people: Padme is probably not going to crank down the drama here. So in this scenario, not only will Satine and Anakin be possibly trying to kill each other for Obi-Wan’s affections, I feel like Padme’s going to either A) put on something scandalous in an attempt to lure Anakin back over by her, because she is NOT gonna lose to Obi-Wan, or B) throw herself at Obi-Wan in an attempt to make Anakin jealous (of her? Him? Who cares; both works!)and/or snare Obi-Wan for herself.😄

If you’re writing the dynamic between the Batgirls as “fun guuurlfriends who have sleepovers and do each other’s nails” instead of “exhausted mom tries desperately to keep her chaotic daughter and said daughter’s EVEN MORE chaotic best friend/ambiguously gay life partner from getting themselves killed”, you’re doing it wrong. 

comedians: it's so difficult to be funny nowadays without sjws getting offended

robert pattinson, without an inch of effort:

i feel like the fact that all these superheroes know each other but have secret id’s has so much comedy potential 

Here’s a happier thought: in another world, things are different.

Darth Vader takes one look at this feral fierce daughter of queens and politicians, this girl lying silver-tongued and spiteful to his face and thinks oh. And a heartbeat later he thinks Padme because this child looks so much like her, down to the imperious jut of her chin. And she looks like a boy he knew once, a boy called Anakin Skywalker, who was reckless and absurd and so strong with the Force that the universe buckled around him.

He says, “You are adopted, aren’t you,” and Leia’s eyebrows skyrocket.

“What relevance does that have,” she manages, “Lord Vader,” and Lord Vader would smile if he could. Instead he reaches down to touch her beautiful face; she flinches away, shows her teeth, and he feels his heart full up to bursting point.

He says, “None at all.”

Alderaan does not burn. Tarkin does though. He falls in two neat, sizzling halves.

“Um,” says Leia. Vader’s lightsabre burns red in her eyes.

“I’m no friend of the Emperor,” says Vader, says Anakin. And, “I knew your mother.” And then, because he’s Anakin Skywalker and planning has never been one of his strong suits, he offers her his hand.

“Come with me.”

“Will Alderaan be safe? My parents?”

My parents. Not by blood, but by choice, and that matters more.

“I will protect them,” says Anakin.

One thing I love about the Batfamily is that they’re all so smart and talented and at the same time such dumbasses: 

 Bruce: Is the worlds greatest detective and has contingencies for everything yet can’t have a conversation about emotions to save his life 

Barbara: has the worlds most advanced information network and yet she thinks that the best way to get out of danger half the time is to blow up whatever building she’s in (she has done this multiple times) 

Dick: Has led multiple super hero teams but has no idea how to do his taxes and had to rely on his literal Alien Girlfriend for that 

 Jason: Recites Shakespeare and quotes Orwell. Took over half the Gotham Underworld at 18 and yet he crashes into buildings and the entire reason he wears a mask under his helmet was it became a habit after he did it once for dramatic effect 

 Tim: The Actual Worlds Greatest Detective and he forgets that miles and kilometres aren’t the same thing 

 Cass: Worlds greatest fighter who started learning English at like 17 and can hold conversations easily by 19-20 (that’s an entire language!) and yet she comes up with plans like ‘beat up every mob member until I get the one I want’

Steph: Made puzzles that the police needed to call Batman into solve, she tracked down multiple villain operations multiple times, she knows how to break into the batcave, she once locked Tim out of his own computer systems, she can combat majority of Gotham villains with nearly no equipment or training and has gotten in the way of Penguin’s operations multiple times, she can stay one step ahead of both Bruce and Tim the world greatest detectives for extended periods and can take down the most sophisticated ai in the world yet she falls down in construction sights and thinks crashing a car into a guy with a superspeed suit is a good plan. 

Duke: Is smart enough to listen to seasoned vigilantes & solve crimes yet he thinks being shot is cool & says things like “go go ghost vision”

Damian: Raised by an elite assassin organisation from birth and got PHD’s at like 7 yet he tries to do things like drive a bus even though his feet don’t reach the peddles and jump on guys with gasoline blood in a room that’s on fire

aug. 18

family drama

Jason: [bursting into room, Damian in his arms, anguished] It’s a violent case of hiccups! Will he live, Doc?

Damian: [kicking] Let–hic–go–hic–Todd!

Dick: [drops everything, becomes very solumn, ear to Damian’s heart] He needs medicine badly. Nurse!

Tim: [salutes and grabs water bottle] Of course sir, right away sir!

Dick: Hold him down.

Jason: You got it.

Damian: [struggling] I’m–hic–going–hic–to hang you–hic–from your–hic–thumbs!

Dick: [stonily] Grab his nose, Nurse.

Tim: He’ll bite me, sir.

Dick: Get yourself together, man! Are you a goddamn nurse or not?

Tim: Aye aye, sir! [pinches Damian’s nose]

Damian: [voice muffled] Hang–hic–you above–hic–PIRANHAS–hic!

Jason: The patient is delusional!

Tim: Hurry, doctor!

Dick: [squirts water bottle into Damian’s mouth] LET US CAST OUT THIS ILLNESS!

Damian: [angry gargling]

Jason: AGAIN!

Dick: [squirts eight times in sequence]

Damian: [choking]

Tim: Best to put him out of his misery, doc

Dick: Keep hope, nurse!

Damian: [sputtering] I DESPISE ALL OF YOU!

Jason: He is healed!

All three: Hallelujah!

All three: [parade to Bruce’s study singing hymns, burst in and drop Damian in Bruce’s lap] THE POWER OF MODERN MEDICINE!

Bruce: [looks at boys]

Bruce: [looks at Damian]

Bruce: Why is your brother soaking wet?

Dick, Jason, Tim:

Damian: Hic!

Dick, Jason, Tim: [pounce]

Damian: [latching onto Bruce like a spider monkey] FATHER NO HELP ME

Bruce:

Bruce:

Bruce: I’m changing Robin’s uniform to neon pink.

Damian: [gapes]

Damian: [softly, full of loathing] I will disown you.

Bruce: Are your hiccups gone?

Damian: I will not have it! Do you hear me? I will not!

Dick: His hiccups are gone.

Damian: Neon pink doesn’t camouflage well into the night, I couldn’t–

Tim: What, and red, green, and yellow do?

Damian: SHUT UP DRAKE THIS DOESN’T INVOLVE YOU

Bruce: [nods wisely] Alternative medicine.

Ok but… in 2018 you KNOW forks high would have a meme page and all the cliques would have running jokes in their group chats… 28139 of the memes would be about the Cullens and how fucking weird they are… someone would be like “I saw Rosalie hale take a bite of an apple today” and another person would be like #soundsfakebutok, people would constantly be making jokes about Cullen family incest, there would be a running gag of What Diet Are The Cullens On This Week, people coming up with increasingly wild theories about what they do on their “camping trips”, sneaking picture of them making bizarre expressions and captioning them with shit like “tfw ur a genius supermodel but u got (5) raindrops on ur shirt&ruined ur aesthetic so now u want to die”, creating Cullen bingo cards with stuff like “growling during class” “magically knowing the right answer even when they weren’t paying attention” “not blinking for 5 minutes straight” “looking like they want to murder everyone for no reason at all” etc etc etc

Just imagine the Cullens being half cryptid, half meme at forks high

Afsjshs u posted about Wild Space again! Its been a while since Wild Space was last talked abt in ur blog, a little surprising because it is Prime Prequel Content™. Literally the best most wildest fantastic ridiculous and greatest star wars book to ever be written, period.

This is highly entertaining because I feel like I talk about it A LOT. 😄

That said, I agree. It was high time to bring it up again, even if I didn’t have new content to share. What a joyride that book is! I laughed out loud rereading those recap entries I wrote because A) we all know I make myself laugh, and B) I had totally forgotten about this part where Obi-Wan does some Shirtless Hot Yoga: 

😂I mean…honestly. 

Oh ALSO: every person in this book is The Worst and I am here for it. Obi-Wan almost dies on every other page and yet keeps refusing to sleep for 15 minutes or take Advil (and he is COMPLETELY preoccupied with Anakin every second of his life, and eventually WAKES UP SCREAMING ANAKIN’S NAME at one point while Bail Organa understandably almost dies of amusement), Padme spends pretty much the whole book with her hand thrown dramatically against her forehead as she vows that her Special and Powerful Wuv will fix all of Anakin’s Bad Choice-Making, Those Mean Naysayers Be Damned! (spoiler alert: NOPE), the Order gossips about eeeeeeeevvvvvveerryone, Palpatine spends EVERY CONVERSATION HE HAS WITH ANYBODY thinking about how great it’s going to be when that person is dead, and Anakin. ANAKIN. He wins Best Worst, including: 

the scene where he rushes to Obi-Wan’s bedside after one of the times when Obi-Wan almost dies and is like “hey fuck all this I hate everyone why are you all always asking me to do stuff but also HOW DARE YOU insinuate that I CAN’T do all the stuff and also remember when my hand got cut off BECAUSE I DO” and his tantrum causes Obi-Wan to like, almost have a heart attack on his already-death bed and then Anakin is like WAIT MASTER NO DON’T DIE NO ONE LOVES ME LIKE YOU DO and clutches Obi-Wan’s hand like he’s an expiring coma patient in a soap opera, and a doctor almost has to drag him out of the room 

the fact that when he and Padme are eating space grapes in bed, ANAKIN is the one being fed like he’s a fancy princess because of course

He goes to the Council Room to tell them Dramatic and Surprising Information, and when one person is like “wow, really?!” in response to this, Anakin flips his shit on them and is like OH I SEE HOW IT IS YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME OR OBI-WAN FUCK YOU GUYS and later Mace is like “…wow, that guy? Is a pain in the ass” and I’m like SAME, MACE. SAME. 

he gets annoyed thinking about how Obes is such a Rules-Follower and this naturally morphs into what REALLY reads like him wishing he and Padme could have a three-way with him 

Anakin is mid-Dramatic Farewell Makeout with Padme and practically shoves her off a balcony to go rescue Obi-Wan after sensing that he’s in danger, literally seconds after thinking about how much Obi-Wan annoys him and how he’s wrong about everything 

he has a hissy fit in the hallway at Ahsoka (who did something egregious like say hello to him or whatever) and when people stop to stare at a grown-ass man yelling at his teenage student he thinks to himself that everyone there is UGH ALWAYS so super invested in his personal business because he’s the Chosen One as opposed to, you know, the fact that he’s a grown-ass man making a scene in public 

I don’t think I have ever enjoyed reading a Star Wars book more. It genuinely delights me. 😄