If Even Instagram Posts Start Repeating Themselves After A While I Scroll, Does That Mean I M Free Too

Mary Oliver, Invitation

“Reality doesn’t impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls.”

— Anaïs Nin

Judging someone is easy but judging yourself is the hardest.

Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect — and I don't live to be — but before you start pointing fingers.. make sure you hands are clean!

— Bob Marley

I realized something recently as I read a manga, that I love to read and watch dramas and comedies in which friendships and love stories are shown but as I look at my life and how my friendships and romances turned out, I don't feel like doing any of that and that fiction is an amazing way to enjoy the unreal to forget the pain of the real relationships which are hard to deal with and maintain and even if you try your best it just doesn't work out. Maybe it's not true for everyone and maybe I am a narcissistic idiot but I have found out that being alone and being lonely differ a lot and sometimes it takes a lot to understand that.

“I have a list in my head of all the feelings I still want to feel before I die. And you have ticked so many things off that list.”

— Iain Thomas

“Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart.”

— Haruki Murakami

Sometimes I think that we are so affected by movies and tv and the false reality in which we see all the characters telling the protagonists why they matter and sometimes explain the meaning behind their actions and the protagonists just find themselves and does what they expect of him/her or just does his/her own thing but in real life this shit doesn't happen. People just tell you what you want to hear and not what you need to hear and they don't care what's the meaning behind your actions or how you are and no one shows this except a few shows or movies and that really confuses us because what we all are waiting for, the epiphany or realization it just doesn't come. You have to think about all your actions and choices of all time and learn through them that why you did what you did and who you really are. And it's not gonna be one specific thing because humans are too complex of a species to fit into a word, sentence or anything that can be explained.

“As a well spent day brings happy sleep, so a life well spent brings happy death.” - Leonardo da Vinci

Damn. Few quotes can your struggle real.

“I am more sensitive than other people. Things that other people would not notice awaken a distinct echo in me, and in such moments of lucidity, when I look at myself, I see that I am alone, all alone, all alone.”

— Henri Barbusse

You taught me a softer way to love. Which is to say I have always loved like wildfire. Always loved vicious. All or nothing. Overwhelming and unbearable and so hard it hurts. Always loved a war of desire leaving my heart a ravaged battlefield with thick scar tissue in the shape of words they never said. But we burnt out. Which is to say I fell out of love with you in the summer sun in the middle of a movie theatre parking lot and it had nothing to do with you. And I did not realize this for years in the aftermath of this heartbreak. It had nothing to do with you. For you had always been you. It was me. For it is always me and the moment I am disillusioned regarding exactly what I am deserving of. Regarding exactly what you are offering and what I had misinterpreted your open palms and open smile for. Which is to say I fell out of love with you to save myself. In an act of self-preservation. To keep loving you would have killed me. So I stopped. Which is an oversimplification of the process of withdrawal but I did. I fell out of love with you. And I am better for it.

Which is to say when I did, touching you ached less. Your name in my mouth didn't sting so much. Every time you talked about someone else it never cut deep enough to leave a mark. And then it stopped cutting at all. And then I started being happy for you. And now, all this time later, I suppose when I call you my friend I mean it. Which is to say I never text you first anymore and it isn't even on purpose. Which is to say we talk when we have time, usually when you are home from school for the break, and I laugh like renewal, but never with enough joy that it threatens to rip my seams. Which is to say I have not fallen in love with anyone since you but I'm okay with that. I know I could. Which is to say I do not rearrange plans when you call and I do not particularly care about seeming intelligent to you anymore. Or beautiful. Or talented. Or worthy. I don't worry about keeping you coming back. Because I know you'll return for us eventually. And we'll pick up where we left off. Like we cannot help but meet again where you last left the person I used to be.

But every time we are together for more than a handful of moments I am in love with you again. And my heartbeat syncs with yours. And when you look at me I want you to keep looking. And when you touch me I want you to keep touching. But you never do. And I am practiced in this. So this time you walk me all the way home and it doesn't even get my hopes up. This time you sing to me at my doorstep and I do not flinch. Remind myself it is not your fault your kindness works like this. That this is just who you are. Because I will walk inside and peek out the glass for you to look back and you won't. And I will remember in the reflection that I am no one special to you. And I will fall out of love again, just like I have done a dozen times before with you. And I will go upstairs and take a shower humming the lyrics to the song you last played me and when I step out of the stream of water, my desire will be washed down the drain. And I will cease loving you until next time.

You taught me a softer way to love. Because I think you taught me there are some people we will never fall all the way out of love with. And that can be okay sometimes. As long as you are not destroying yourself with longing. Some things cannot be helped.

~ #3 : reflections on falling out of unrequited love with him