Sometimes The Customer Is Wrong For Unrelated Reasons.

Sometimes the customer is wrong for unrelated reasons.

Due to the well of my friends’ “def not an axe murderer” date recommendations drying up, I have turned to that most sacred of modern relationship institutions: online dating. As a very busy person trying to get it in with other very busy people, I prize honestly and directness above all else when it comes to profile creation. I include full body shots in my photos, try to minimize the use of MySpace angles in selfies, and write at the very top of the summary/caption/profile that I am fat. Not “curvy,” not “thick,” not “lots to love”–I’m f*cking fat. I’m not ashamed of it, but I also known that weight is a dealbreaker for lots of people. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time.

About a year ago I met “Evan” via Tinder. We exchanged friendly messages for a few hours one night and agreed to meet up for drinks the following evening. I waited for a full hour past the designated time, and just as I was getting up to leave, the texts started rolling in.

“I can see you sweating from here.” “How long does it take you to roll out of bed every morning?” “Is there an earthquake or are you just getting up for more pretzels?”

Really idiotic, juvenile shit. Four separate numbers, commenting on things like my clothes, which clued me in that the senders were nearby. This went on for 15 minutes before I finally saw Evan, trying to hide in at a corner table and giggling with a group of buddies. I made eye contact, saw that he saw me, and then walked out. The texts kept up until I blocked the numbers a few hours later.

I ran into Evan about 3 weeks later. We got on the same elevator, and he tried really hard at being super interested in the emergency phone instructions. I just confronted him, and he admitted it was just some “game” that him and his friends play. He knew I was fat before agreeing to meet up; they all did, because that’s what they do. Match up with fat women, then either ghost them or “troll” them at the meet-up. It was also kinda obvious he’d never seen any consequences from this bullshit, as he was sweating pretty hard and looked more humiliated than I felt. I just said whatever and walked out, expecting to never see him again.

About a month ago, some local foodie wrote a great review of the restaurant I own, and we’ve been slammed ever since. In the past, I stayed mostly in the kitchen, but I’ve been doing more and more front-of-house stuff lately, and Valentine’s Day I was working a bit of a split between the two.

I saw Evan just as he was pushing in his date’s chair. My name isn’t on the restaurant, and he didn’t see me. I checked the section up at the hostess stand and saw that one of my favorite old-timers, Nan, was going to be his waitress. I went to the bar till, took out $400, put it in her hands, and said, “This is going to be your only table for the rest of the night. You are going to make this the worst date he has ever been on.”

She spilled every single thing she brought out to the table, all over him. I was waiting for him to blow up on Nan, but he bottled it up, obviously trying to make a good impression on his date. She seemed like a perfectly lovely lady; I told Nan to make sure everything was good for her and terrible for Evan.

She poured ice water on his d*ck. She smacked the back of his head with the edge of a tray. Spilled soup on his shirt. Dropped every fork he asked for. I personally oversalted his food, used the shit liquor for his drinks, used flour instead of sugar on his dessert. To be honest, I don’t know why he didn’t just walk out. He must have really wanted to f*ck this woman.

Finally, he cracked. Demanded Nan find the manager and bring her out. I was only too happy to emerge from the kitchen with my chef’s coat and say what, I’m not ashamed to admit, I’d been planning out all night.

“I would have said hi earlier, but I didn’t want the earthquake to disturb your dinner.”

I will savor the look on Evan’s face for the rest of my life.

He was a little too flummoxed to explain, so I pulled a chair up to the table and introduced myself to his date, Amanda. Told her how I met Evan. Showed her some fun old messages. Then I told gave her a voucher for a free meal on her next visit and told Evan to get the f*ck out and never come back.

He deleted his Tinder profile.

My Heart

My girlfriend and I have this tradition every year.

I set her down on the couch, I hold her hands in mine, and I ask her what she wants for Valentine’s Day.

She laughs, kisses my cheek, and whispers in my ear,

“All I want is your heart.”

We’ve been dating for five years this summer. We met at a college party. I was a mathematics major and a loner but one of my friends insisted on dragging me to this house party. There was over ninety people in this tiny ass house and I really just wanted to go back home.

But then I met Sonya.

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englishjanitorfish-blog

7 years ago

SnK Crack Theory Week Day 1: Historical Monday

Ymir Fritz, commonly referred to as progenitor of all Titans, is one of the most important characters in SnK. Her actions brought about the story as we know it today. It all started when she came upon “the source of all organic material” and consequently made a deal with the devil, which obtained her the power of the titans. However not much is not about her aside from a short origin story and the fact that she died 13 years after receiving the Founding Titan (this is later named the “Curse of Ymir”). Questions like what did she do in those 13 years before her untimely death, how much of her memories have been seen by the current titan shifters and has anyone actually died from the “Curse of Ymir” have been bothering the fans for ages, and yet the answer is quite simple.

Ymir Fritz is a lizard.

SnK Crack Theory Week Day 1: Historical Monday

Now I know what you’re thinking: Bro what? But hear me out.

There are many similarities between the reptiles and Ymir, such as appearance. Lizards have typically long bodies and small faces. And what does she look like, you ask? Well she’s got a pretty slender figure and small face, just as lizards do.

There is however the issue of the lizards’ tail that needs to be addressed, but there is a simple solution to that too. Notice how in all of her pictures she is always shown from the front and never from the back? It’s almost as if she was hiding something. The only picture of her that we have which isn’t from the front is the one above.

See how there is a bit of a bump in her dress right below her back? That is a clear indication that she is indeed hiding her tail underneath her clothing.

To further prove my theory, the reason why no one knows what she did in those 13 years is because she didn’t do anything. Lizards spend their days sun-bathing on rocks, hunting for food or waiting for it to come their way, meaning she spent her days lounging around and wasting her titan power for hunting dem juicy spiders. Another simple solution to a complicated question is that her death was actually not because of a curse, rather it was from old age.

And in conclusion I present to you photogenic evidence that she is indeed a lizard.

It’s only a matter of time before Isa confirms it himself.

Watch: Regular women and celebrities, many of whom have survived sexual assault or harassment, are banding together to tell Trump “It’s not okay”

In the cases of all the women who spoke out in the video, there was no justice. Their assaulters and harassers walked free because either nobody believed them or there was nothing they could do. The Trump tape was one of many final straws. "We’re not gonna take it any more,“ Amber Tamblyn said. “Like, for real, we’re not.”

Gifs: Humanity for Hillary

WATCH THE VIDEO

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