Erionella - Nella

I’m gonna be honest, I don’t think SJ would have ever been happy as a Peak Lord. The only reason he took the job was because of YQY and he thought he’d be able to protect himself better as someone of high status. He never had the right kind of mind or attitude for teaching and never had the social skills to get along with his peers. He’d have been much happier as a wandering cultivator but that wasn’t where YQY was so even then he’d have never been fully satisfied.

oh my god sorry for the late reply

i also think that sj got attached to having status and power because he knows that powerful people can get away with anything, since he knows what that's like thanks to Qiu Jianluo. He definitely didn't want to be on the receiving end of all that power and influence. I think that, even if he wasn't a good teacher, if he had able to deal with his inner demons (literally and metaphorically) he wouldn't have had so much trouble living in CQM. But he hated men to the point of being unable to sleep next to his peers, and when he became a peak lord he turned paranoid, thinking people wanted to undermine him and usurp his place, was envious of anyone with more potential or power than him. and like, not all of that was yqy's "fault", since we see in the qijiu extra's opening scene what he was like as a 12 years old. i love the parallels between qijiu as kids and qijiu as peak lords because the latter is basically a reenactment of their childhood dynamics: sj fighting with others, yqy the protector who always tried to smooth things over and let sj get away with anything, etc. then his dynamic with lbh and nyy is a reenactment of his life with the qius, this time with him as the one abusing his power. it sort of feels like there's something inescapable about their fates, and it goes to show how much work sj needs to achieve a modicum of peace, though of course if he was sure of yqy's love for him that would be a great start.

sorry for rambling. back on topic. why did sj became a peak lord?

“If I said that I wasn’t doing well at Qing Jing Peak, what would you do?” Shen Qingqiu asked, slow and measured. “Would you help me enter Qiong Ding Peak, just as you recommended me for Qing Jing?”

Yue Qingyuan gave it some thought, then said solemnly, “If that’s what you wanted.”

“Clearly I don’t want that,” Shen Qingqiu said with a resolute humph. “I want to be head disciple. Would you be willing to give me your position? Let me become the sect leader?” he asked, forceful and lofty. “For better or worse, Qing Jing Peak ranks second among the Twelve Peaks. I’d rather wait to succeed this one.”

it's clear he wants power and influence, and if he'd had the chance he would have gone for the sect leader post. can you imagine that??

In the past, Qiu Jianluo had forced Shen Jiu to learn how to read and write. Shen Jiu had been unwilling to learn, had detested it to the point of madness, yet now it was only through his abilities in reading and studying—through being smarter than his peers—that he’d been able to earn the Qing Jing Peak Lord’s favor. To make it even more laughable, of the thousands of possible names in this world, the peak lord had just happened to name him “Qingqiu.”

But no matter how laughable, no matter how it made him gnash his teeth, Shen Qingqiu still wanted that name, for this name represented that from now onward, a shining new life was his.

sj is ambitious. that's why i think he' wouldn't be happy with living like a common person. he also likes luxury so i guess he'd detest the life of a wandering cultivator because it would to much like living in the streets, where he spent most of his childhood. he likes quiet and staying inside. he liked the security of being at the top.

so i don't think it would be impossible for him to have a life more suited to him, that wasn't such a consequence of his traumas and how he copes with them, but like i said, it would take a lot of work and healing.

this might just be a tiktok issue but every time i see someone say “shen jiu deserved a chance at happiness!” i explode. he had many. his entire life he could’ve made different decisions, he could’ve just not abused lbh, or spoken to yqy, but he never did. that’s his whole thing. he’s even aware of it, it’s like his WHOLE final speech in the extras. he would NEVER EVER take a chance at being better/happy, he’s far too comfortable in his own misery, he has absolutely no idea what to do without it. and he doesn’t want to find out either. THATS THE WHOLE POINT. it’s what makes him such a good character, because he’s realistic in his principles. he doesn’t just hate the antagonist, he hates literally fucking everything and everyone, especially himself. makes me scream idk lmao

Shang Qinghua: I would like to apply to be your spy

Mobei-Jun: Do you have any experience being deceptive?

Shang Qinghua: Oh, yes! I lie to myself all the time!

Yue Qingyuan headcanon that I don’t see used often enough? The man has PTSD and dissociates and the main reason he doesn’t tell Shen Jiu why he didn’t return is because he literally can’t get the words out. He chokes every time. I’ve seen this take ONCE (you can find it here) now and it was beautifully written.

Ftm Yin Yu ftm Yin Yu

🐰Happy Easter!🐰

SJ talking mad shit about his husband online but as soon as someone agrees he's like "I'm outside your house rn pull up"

Imparting valuable lessons 😌

(based off this post)

My favourite angst couple dynamics (Unsaid thoughts)

"Am I even worthy of your Love?"

"Is my Love enough for you to stay for?"

...........................

"Ask me to stay for you"

"Please tell me you want to stay"

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"You had to have realized by now, How can you not know?"

"I just couldn't let myself hope, it would have been my destruction"

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"My existence is not worth anything"

"I would have no purpose in this world had you not existed"

.........................

"There is nothing for me in this world"

"Take me, my blood, my bones, my everything, until I have nothing else to give"

........................

"My Love is more of a curse than a blessing"

"If you can't bless me with your love, atleast curse me till the end of time"

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"Let me go, I have nothing left to live for"

"All this pain I have endured, just to watch you wither away"

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"What about you, who are you in love with, it couldn't possibly be me"

"Love me, even if I know I am asking for the impossible"

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"You will never acknowledge our connection, I watch you follow everyone else with your eyes"

"If only I had the courage to tell you, you live in my heart"

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"You will break my heart I know, then why can't I let you go"

"Don't forgive me, I don't deserve it"

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"I wish I could be what you deserved"

"Ofc, you wouldn't have wanted me, nobody has ever wanted me"

.................

"I was a selfish person once, now look, i made myself better for you"

"Did I do this to you, did my expectations destroy you too?"

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"No one can love me, even I can't love myself"

"Let me love you, I would love you enough for the both of us"

...............

"I will destroy you, I corrupt everything I touch"

"I am drowning in my darkness, your touch is my salvation not destruction"

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"I always thought the worst of you, turns out all this time I was the one hurting you"

"You, even filled with hatred for me, are my lifejacket in this sea of oblivion"

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"I am nothing but an object, a toy, a weapon. No one even sees me as a person"

"Had I been powerful enough, you wouldn't have had to be anything other than yourself"

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"Don't let me destroy you, push me away first"

"If you are my end, let me greet destruction like an old friend"

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"I would take being born in this world again and again if it means meeting you, even just for the possibility of you, I'd take that chance"

"I would take living in this cruel world forever it means having you, even for a second, i'd take that chance"

.............

"You are the reason of all this pain, not just mine but everybody's. So why, why can't I just hate you"

"Hate me, curse me, destroy me but for all the negativity there is.... don't be indifferent to me"

Shen Jiu (I will not degrade myself by explaining what happened) 🤝 Yue Qingyuan (I will not degrade you by explaining what happened)

One’s mindset is “I won’t defend myself since I’m unrepentantly evil anyway” and the other’s is “I won’t make excuses for myself since I failed you anyway”

They are made for each other in the worst way possible. I want to grind their heads together; it will not help one bit, since what they need is top-notch therapy/counselling, but wow the urge haunts me