Fableanddiary - Fable And Diary

3/7/15 (part 2)

I'm struggling to find a schedule for myself. I don't know how many times I've set up a certain routine to follow--to dos to do, daily activities to complete, hygiene to keep up with--but I never get past the first week (if that). Sometimes I don't make it the first day. I'm holding on to this idea, that if I have a schedule that I maintain, it'll be so much easier to complete tasks. I mean, it makes sense, right? I get into good habits and then I don't have to worry that my teeth are gonna fall out because I don't brush enough. I just wish I could make a schedule that I could stick to. It's really hard when you can't even set consequences for yourself. I mean, I've already dealt with the real-world consequences of not getting things done. But apparently that's not enough to motivate when you have depression bogging you down on one side and anxiety stressing you out on the other.

Right now I'm not doing anything. Literally, for the past 9-ish months I have done so incredibly little. I was going to school (university) and I've completed 4 years, but I did a lot of dilly-daddling and couldn't decide on a major, so I still have at least 2 years of major-related courses left. That being said, I have to get back into classes first. I applied for the school of music and got in, but then I lost all motivation in my (then-current) classes and became afraid of going to class. Needless to say, I flunked out the semester, my grades dropped, and as a result I can't get into the school of music until my grades are lifted. To do so, I have to fill out a late-withdrawal form (and get approved) and do a whole lot of bureaucratic nonsense that gets me into these situations in the first place. I even have to e-mail the professors that I flunked out with! That's just too cruel. How am I supposed to interact with them when I can barely e-mail professors that I'm familiar with? It definitely sounds like a joke.

But at least my therapist said she'd help with that. That's our end-goal, I guess. Or at least our tangible end-goal. In the short-term I'd really like to get a job. I don't know when I'll actually get myself to start applying, but I think having a steady job would be good for getting myself into a routine. The issue is once I have a job, I have a tendency to quit (though to be fair, both of the jobs I had so far were high turnover manual labor positions). Having some income would be great, too of course. I'd like to buy new clothes for myself (some gender non-conforming stuff especially, so that I can experiment more with my presentation), as well as some bit and bobs. But more then anything I'd like to move out. I'm sure that sounds ludicrous coming from someone who can't bath themselves regularly, but I really do think it would be good for me. Having to deal with real adult tasks and learning how to be a good roommate would be absolutely incredible.

More importantly, I would be able to get away from my parents. Just from saying that, it probably sounds like they're awful or abusive or something, but it's really not the case. I just feel so claustrophobic around them. I don't know what it is, but there's this panopticon effect where I'm always being watched (in my head at least). Not in some paranoid way, but in a, "I'm pretty sure they're judging me right now" kind of way. I definitely have reason to believe that's true. My mom is always judging people, including me and my sister. She tries to be understanding but she always assumes that my problems are the same as hers (and so they must have the same solutions).

My dad doesn't seem as judgmental but I still feel awkward around him. In the past few years he's been trying to reach out to me, I think partially because he didn't do so at all when I was younger (unless you count fishing trips). He used to be a very angry person and I was really afraid of him when I was little. Now he's Buddhist and is a much better person for it. I'm really proud of his progress, to be honest.

That being said, now he's trying to reach out to me almost exclusively through Buddhism, and although it somewhat interests me, I don't really wanna deal with the social aspect of it. Particularly my dad goes to "the Buddhist place" AKA "Buddhist church" where there are a lot of really nice people that I can't relate to at all. It's not even that there's no one my age there (because I can't befriend people of any demographic, usually) but it's just one of those feelings. When I enter a room, I almost immediately get a sense of who I want to be friends with and who I don't. There are certain people I'm drawn to and others I'm not. At The Buddhist Place (which is obviously not its real name but I won't put it here for privacy's sake) there are tons of great people but I'm not drawn to any of them. There are the Buddhist new-comers who all seem to be ex-Christians or ex-Agnostics and then there are the monks themselves. The new-comers are nice but I just can't click with them. What could I even talk to them about? (especially given I don't have school to fall back on) The monks are even nicer and I'd be super interested in getting to know them if I could reliably communicate with them. There are only a small handful of monks that speak 'good' English, a few that speak choppy English, and then a few that I don't think speak English at all. The fact that I'm unsure if I'll be able to communicate causes me way too much anxiety for me to even try.

Anyway, I've gone on a bit of a rant. The original point was, I want to move out because my parents are suffocating me. It's not even their fault, I just can't be in an environment where I feel so judged. I want to be with friends who don't look at me like they're disappointed all the time. I can't afford to feel this guilty 24/7. Hopefully when (if) I get a job I can talk to one of my friends ("Mable", let's say) who already has a job and wants to move out. I'm about 90% sure that she'd want to move in with me unless she's already made plans that conflict with that idea. It would definitely be refreshing to live with someone that I'm comfortable being around.

But what would I do about my dog?! D:

libby app guide

aka how to support libraries and get books and audiobooks for free without pirating them.

disclaimer: this is so easy. it is also really fun.

one: download the libby app. you'll open it and it'll ask you to add a library.

two: get a library card. don't have one? good news, it's really easy and i am saying this as the laziest person on earth. it varies what you need to have to get a card library to library but almost all libraries will let you get one online. i have a card for my home town and for the town i moved to. sometimes you only need an email address, sometimes you need an area code. to get mine it took me about 5 minutes of lying on the couch aimlessly tapping on my phone. follow your heart. you can get cards for places you don't currently live. i will leave the ethics of that up to you but it's probably better than pirating and either way you're creating traffic for libraries which is what they need to exist.

three: add your card. you can add multiple cards for multiple libraries. you need the number. i have never had libby fail to recognize a valid account.

four: search for your book! some will be ready to borrow right away. others have an estimated delivery time. libby will always pick the one that's the fastest from the options available at all the libraries you have cards at. you can borrow audiobooks and ebooks. libby will send you a notification when you're book is ready to borrow. in my experience it's a lot faster than the estimate. if you aren't ready to read it, you can ask to be skipped over in line so you keep your place at the front but let someone else read it first.

five: read it!!! kindle is the most common way to do this. you can go to your loan and click read with kindle. it'll download it to all your devices where you have kindle. as long as you have the loan, it'll act like your book. when the loan ends, if the device is connected to the internet, it'll automatically be returned. it will save all your notes and highlights. (if you disconnect your device from the internet, it won't return the book. weewoo.)

anyway in case anyone else has been wondering about it, i really love it. is a nice surprise to see what i'm going to get and it's cut my reading costs down big time! it's also neat because i get to synch my books between devices unlike downloading books through cough cough other means. good luck!

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