Arthur Stop Getting Impaled Challenge IMPOSSIBLE ???

Me: Holy shit I'm so hungry better to go downstairs for a good meal

The meal in question:

bez lubrikantu, bez ochrany, celou noc a celý den, od kuchyňské podlahy po koupelnu, od jídelního stolu až po kostel, zatímco se zalykám a křičím modlitby, on si mě může vzít, jak bude chtít.

Options based on my opinion + surveyed from ghutuals.

I'mma just post some random snippets of text about the plague because it's my favorite topic to make a PowerPoint to and I am not at all unhealthily fixated on it. In fact it is very normal to have a favorite illness, shut up!

Purpose

The really great part about Malevolent by this point is that Arthur and John have completely given up on what is essentially the primary plot of the show - getting separated. You are in the middle of an investigation to get your body and sight back Arthur, what do you mean you just want to drop everything and go back to England?

In a room full of art I’d still stare at you.

Vondruška, píše Záhadu zlaté štoly: Ota a Diviš svojí dovolenku v Praze tráví prolejzáním nevěstinců

Já: ty hlupáku. Ty absolutní idiote. Ota a Diviš se celej ten tejden plánujou zamykat ve svým pokoji a šoustat spolu jako králíci. Ty blbče.

Season 3 Elias is so goddamn fucking funny to me I forgot what a rollercoaster he was during my first listen.

Like the s2 finale has Jurgen Leitner giving Jon the whole "monsters are real speech" and Jon's like "I need a cigarette. NO ONE get brutal pipe murdered while I'm gone" and Jurgen fails step 1 because Elias walks in and grabs Jon's point-and-click-adventure pipe he'd been carrying around and Brutal Pipe Murders. Which, of course, Jon walks back in on and is prime suspect #1 due to literally every single feature trait and word he's said in the entirety of s2.

So naturally s3 starts with Jon on the lam and Officer Tonner like "I'm gonna arrest him for brutal pipe murder" and I'M like "Shit. I hate this. Elias is going to SO easily pin it on Jon and get away with it."

EXCEPT Elias walks in and is like "hello Ms. Officer no Jon Archivist did not kill that man, also I won't tell you anything else, also this is what you sound like" while reciting all her childhood trauma and all her illegal activity that will get HER sent to jail for brutal murder of the non-pipe variety and now I'm like "....huh." He's also like "Jon didn't do it but you can kill him if you want maybe :)" Elias your alibi????

And then we come BACK with Jon storming Elias's office with his two lesbian bodyguards as back up and he's like "I'm gonna use my powers to make you confess to pipe murder!" At which point Elias is like "It doesn't work on me. But I'm having fun so Martin go get everyone I need to tell you all how I committed pipe murder." and Martin does and Elias is like "Yes I pipe murdered. I also killed Gertrude. I love murder. You will not be compensated extra for this time. Get back to work." And they... DO... just go back to work. Because work is haunted. One of the lesbian police officers works here now, too. This just happened. "Also living dolls from Russia are about to Apocalypse the world, Jon go stop it," Elias says, while also saying "no I'm not gonna tell you how to stop it."

Okay???? Mr. Elias man??? And you're like "maybe he's a ruthless tactician? Maybe he's brutal but it's all in the interest of stopping the doll apocalypse??? He wants to save the earth???" Except THAT'S not even true it's actually more like he's trying to get the Russian dolls kicked out of line at Disney World so HE gets to meet Mickey Mouse first by which I mean, start his OWN Apocalypse, because if the dolls do it first well then what's the point of apocalypsing a planet that's become someone else's sloppy seconds.

Anyway Elias's master strategy here is to bring the human equivalent of a drowned cat to the gun fight and just sit back and watch Jon fall down every set of stairs he finds while Elias goes "This is good. This will work." His name isn't even fucking Elias.

He's so fucking done with him getting stabbed all the time