Really Stupid Au Where When They Were Younger, Kakashi And Obito Shared An Accidental Kiss A Lot Like

Dick: I made a mistake

Jason: What you do?

Dick: It's bad

Tim: How bad?

Dick: I think Bruce is going to take me out of the trust fund bad

Damian: Worry no, Richard, for I shall care for you when you are old, wrinkled, and gross. I have more than enough funds for both of us.

Dick: Thanks Dami

Jason: So what'd you do?

Dick: Remember Danny Phantom? That ghost hero that saved the planet from an asteroid?

Tim: Yeah, he does good, clean work. Bruce considered offering him a spot in the Justice League before he suddenly announced he planned to retire from the hero scene.

Dick: I slept with him.

Damian: I beg your pardon?

Dick: And I left before he could wake up the following day, ignored all his calls 'cause he was my rebound when Kori and I split and haven't seen him in almost five years. I just saw him.

Jason: Alright, he's your ex, and you ran into him. He's probably mad at you since that was a bit shitty. But that's not too bad; I don't think Bruce will disown you-

Dick: Yeah turns out Phantom isn't a human ghost. I don't know what he is, but he is a different species, which means his kind reproduces differently, and he was walking hand in hand with a miniature version of me. A version that was five years old. I stole some of the kid's hair, and well.....I have a son I never knew about because I blocked Danny after our one night since I got what I wanted from him.

Tim/Jason: .....

Damian: I regret to inform you, Deadbeat, that no funds are available for you. Or ever. You will die alone. Hungry and scared.

Dick: Trust me I know I deserve that. God! What am I going to do!?

Meanwhile clear across the city

Dan: Are you sure no one will notice me overshadowing this body?

Danny: Nah, it's a failed cloning experiment between me and my ex. It never had a soul. Think of it like it's a meat suit. If anything, I can just keep telling people you're my son.

Dan: Why did you try to clone your ex anyway?

Danny: I'm bored Dan. I'm so bored, there is nothing for me to do now that I retired Phantom.

Dan: That's fair. Boredom is the worst. That's why I choose to visit the human world, though it is weird to be corporal after all this time.

Danny: Do you miss being a halfa?

Dan: Sometimes. But I brought upon myself, I did kill my human side, so I appreciate you leaning me the meat suit. Now tell me about that ex.

Danny: Ancients, where do I even start. His mullet? Blagh! His diet? Blagh!

Dan: He hot?

Danny: So hot.

Dan: Nice.

girl dad

He broke through to the surface, taking large desperate gasps of air before getting sucked back beneath by the current. Danny fought against the water as hard as his little paws would allow.

Just when he felt all hope was lost and he was sinking, a large hand enveloped his entire body and hefted him back into the open air. Shivering and coughing out water he didn't catch whatever the man had said. He continued shivering violently as the guy wrung out Dannys fur.

The mans hands were warm despite the brown leather gloves covering them. They made Danny feel comforted and energized almost as if the man had...oh gods! He did! The man had ecto inside of him! Thank the ancients! Now he just had to stick with glove guy and he could recharge! It would be slow but still!

"Here we are little guy." The man said and Danny noticed all at once that the man had been walking the whole time Danny had been stuck in his head. He looked around and noticed the Animal Shelter sign in front of them.

No. No! Danny needed to stick to this guy if he ever hoped to become a human again. But despite how he dug his claws into the flesh of the mans exposed arm and yowled the man in the red mask managed to get him lose and left him in the care of an animal social worker.

Danny was checked out and placed in the tiny jail cell alongside other kittens and cats, many who were scared, miserable or just desperate for love and attention. This of course meant he needed to plot a jail break. Fortunately, he could still used most of his powers but without any ecto around he would have no way to recharge them outside of food or indulging in his obsession.

Needless to say Jason was a little startled when he woke up the next day to not one, but five little kittens meowing at him for food. He swears the one sitting smugly on his chest is the same one he dropped off at the animal shelter yesterday, but that couldn't be right...

One call confirmed it. All of thier animals had escaped last night and there was a suspiciously animal sized arch taken out of the wall with an unknown tool. Demon brat would be delighted at the news.

Unfortunately for Hood the smug little black cat he rescued yesterday had decided that his shoulder was the perfect perch and stayed there more often than not. Little guy got into food often but refused to eat kibble and any attempt to get the kitten away from the mashed potatoes resulted in violence or density shifting to get back to the food.

At this point danny almost didn't care if he returned to being human so long as he got to eat more of his humans cooking. He swears Jason is magical because everything he makes tastes amazing

i wonder what it is

Danny Gets Yeeted (Yoted?) Into Gotham

[Here] Danny gets dropped on the Batmobile and acquires minions

[Here] IOU One (1) Big (Harvey) Dent

[Here] Danny trolls the Waynes by telling them he's died before (and pretending he doesn't know they're vigilantes).

[Here] Tim makes bad excuses for vigilante injuries and Danny forgets about the knife embedded in his stomach.

[Here] Sleepy, assassin-trained Damian accidentally stabs civilian Danny and feels bad about it.

[Here] Danny's Knife Collection (but not just knives).

[Here] Ghostbusters but they don't actually catch the ghost (Danny)

[Here] Danny’s in the goddamn walls!

[Here] Danny's first family game night: trauma, eating paint, and aiming the Bat cannon at the GCPD and firing feral vigilantes out of it.

[Here] Cassandra Cain (former Feral Child) reassures Danny (who is Ghost Feral) that they're siblings.

[Here] Danny gets ice-cream with Duke, Bruce vs. (corrupt) CPS

[Here] Danny does gardening with Alfred

touch starved

they just listen to whatever this guy meows

orig:

How some characters would go about courting Paimons mama

VENTI:

-you would pick up on your daughter calling Barbatos,The god of freedom,the anemo archon,"tone deaf bard",made you hold in a laugh not be disrespectfull

-Venti will think that you agree with him being tone deaf and feel sadness wash over him,do you not like his songs? He'll be better at them he promises!

-god your daughter knew that she would get away with it,not just cause shes a child,but cause shes your child

-you reassure him dont worry and his happy

-but man dudes is love starved

-he clungs onto you like a new born (if you allow him to even be near you)

-Paimon isnt too thrilled about him acting like hes your kid,she is,you came down here to reunite with her

-Paimon wouldnt mind a second parent,that means more love,and you'll be happier (you did tell you wouldnt leave her again)

-but Venti? Yeah no,mans has to prove himself one way or another

-he will sing Paimon and you so many songs

-spoil you with everything he can (he admitted being Barbatos to be able to have VIP acess to you like all the other archons and important people)

-Paimon and him share a playfull tone and would absolutely mess with others,so this might actually work

-what do you say your grace? Venti is already worshiping you like never before

ZHONGLI:

-1# follower comin' throught

-hes so polite and devoted,being your slave would be such an honor to him,but being your husband? Your daughters father?

-he doesnt care who he has to go through

-Paimon doesnt know if she wants a dad whos so bad with the literal thing he made from his hands

-Zhongli will serve you and praise you theres no tomorow,Paimon aswell

-hes telling her the best tales he knows,spending way too much on food and toys (thats more like a point for childe but-)

-his shield is on him 24/7 with either of you with him in the wild

-but like you have power over all the elements and slay so like dont know why he does this but oh well

-he is and always will be your most devoted your grace, isnt that worth something?

CHILDE:

-spoils you and Paimon

-Zhongli isnt getting that much money from him cause now hes competiton

-Paimon and Teucer deffinetly are having playdates to get to know eachother and have fun

-they might end up being family if Childe succeds after all

-Paimon didnt like the idea of you marrying a fatui harbinger,so childe is on thin ice

-but Paimon is only so young,she could be convinced easily

-he is such a family man,hes perfect to be her father and your lover

-hes killed so many in your name,and he will leave the fatui if you wish,just consider it

TRAVELER:

-this is probably the easiest and we all know why

-they were with your daughter for so long,no one knows them like you both do,its only natural

-Paimon will however go "oh come on! Not you too! Why is everyone so intrested in Paimons mom!?"

-after all you both have control over all the elements in a way,so theyre perfect

-you took them as a vessel for a reason,right?

-but abyss twin?

-alot of drama

-Paimon is gonna tell them that if they even wish to be near you,theyd have to reconcile and apologize to the traveler!

-"say less" Paimon isnt even able to finish her sentence

-but yeah things will be difficult but oh well

Biblically accurate boyfriend