It Was Always You... Still Is... And I'm Scared It Might Always Be... Just You.

I sit here in the restroom crying at random moments wondering 'what did I do so wrong to deserve such a broken heart?'

- My Hearts Thoughts (true story, I'm falling apart)

I said goodbye but I never left

- My Hearts Thoughts

"All you can do is take the good days and hug them like pillows until you have so many you can build a fort and keep yourself safe"

My Hearts Thoughts (12:55 am 7/26/17)

I ended up having a really interesting conversation with some people at the bus stop today. They were getting out of some sort of ‘clean and sober’ meeting and had starting saying how they were so bored because they didn’t have anything to do, and had to stay at home because all their old friends would pull them back. So I said something like, ‘So this is the time to do all the stuff your parents told you they didn’t have money/time for!’ “Whatcha mean?” “You know, like when you were five and you REALLY wanted to have that toy or do that thing and you were like, ‘Please mom please I gotta have this I gotta go do this’ and they went ‘Hell no you think I’m paying for that do you want to goddamn EAT?’ “ And this light went on in their eyes. The lady is going to go check thrift stores for an Easybake Oven and I told her about Wilton cake decorating classes. The dude is going to Griffith Park and ride horses, because, ‘I always wanted to be a cowboy, and you can’t drink when you’re on a horse ‘cause you’ll fucking die!’ Fuck it. This is what being an adult is. Sure it’s bills and work and relationships, but damn it, it’s also time to do the things you LIKE. I signed up for a free class/lecture on Water Gardens. I’m going. It’s time.

it was always you, Your the one who always ran through my mind that year, all you pain would tear my heart and all your happiness gave me life. I always thought I would get over you because I always got over people but I didn’t and I couldn’t. That was because I had to wait for you to love me back, and now that you do, it was all worth it

My Hearts Thoughts

We all have a certain story that we do not share out loud because we are afraid that nostalgia will come in series of waves and drown us. We all know a certain name that we rarely mention anymore because it leaves a bitter taste in our tongue yet makes our heart skips a beat. We all know a familiar voice that is slowly fleeting into oblivion but we always hear it when their favorite song plays on the radio. Lastly, we all know a familiar face that we desperately hoped we will see every morning when we wake up but is now a part of the group of faces that we once knew and trying to forget. Although it is hard and painful for me to admit, mine happens to be you.

lm // words left unspoken # 9 (via sleevesofgrass)

“FUCK YOU!!” I scream and throw your teddy bear across the room, something falls, something breaks. I don’t care, I love you. I can’t even say I loved you, I probably always will. I just left someone because I’m still too broken over you. My love life is ruined because nobody is going to be you. And I hate it, I hate you for it.

My Hearts Thoughts

I have so many good moments, so many memories I make with my people.

It won't be this specific way forever, but it's this way now, and I'm so lucky for it.

I'm so scared, I think too much, or not enough. (There's no in between)

-my hearts thoughts

“Dogs don’t know what they look like. Dogs don’t even know what size they are. No doubt it’s our fault, for breeding them into such weird shapes and sizes. My brother’s dachshund, standing tall at eight inches, would attack a Great Dane in the full conviction that she could tear it apart. When a little dog is assaulting its ankles the big dog often stands there looking confused — “Should I eat it? Will it eat me? I am bigger than it, aren’t I?” But then the Great Dane will come and try to sit in your lap and mash you flat, under the impression that it is a Peke-a-poo… Cats know exactly where they begin and end. When they walk slowly out the door that you are holding open for them, and pause, leaving their tail just an inch or two inside the door, they know it. They know you have to keep holding the door open. That is why their tail is there. It is a cat’s way of maintaining a relationship. Housecats know that they are small, and that it matters. When a cat meets a threatening dog and can’t make either a horizontal or a vertical escape, it’ll suddenly triple its size, inflating itself into a sort of weird fur blowfish, and it may work, because the dog gets confused again — “I thought that was a cat. Aren’t I bigger than cats? Will it eat me?” … A lot of us humans are like dogs: we really don’t know what size we are, how we’re shaped, what we look like. The most extreme example of this ignorance must be the people who design the seats on airplanes. At the other extreme, the people who have the most accurate, vivid sense of their own appearance may be dancers. What dancers look like is, after all, what they do.”

— Ursula Le Guin, in The Wave in the Mind (via fortooate)