Hinakamiya - Michi

commission

Jason Todd aches to be loved.

It’s quite literally akin to a hot poker in his stomach, a grueling knife that cuts him open and empties him of all he’s got, first it guts him, butterflies becoming nothing but blades that cut away at his seams, slowly shreding his soul, because he’s alone, because he isn’t the boy he was, because he’s never been loved unconditionally. But he’s a romantic.

There is not an inch of his body without gruesome scar tissue; his young and athletic but lean body suddenly monstruos, huge, bigger than the closest thing to a father he ever had. If he can no longer hide away inside his father’s the bat’s cape, how can he search for the crumbs of love he used to devour? He has known hunger since the day he was born. He has taught himself to make a feast off of crumbs, to trick his senses into feeling full, to take a pat on his shoulder, the crinkle of someone’s eyes, as an ultimate show of love.

More than he thought he’d ever get. And it used to irk at him once. Didn’t he deserve better? Didn’t he deserve unconditional?

Now he’s sure of it. He doesn’t.

He died someone’s son and was remembered as nothing but a good soldier, leaving a post to be replaced. He came back a zombie and was forged into a double edged sword, to wound and to hurt, to maim and break. Not just others.

How can he be loved? He’s all rugged edges and scars. Insecurities and self loathing that run deeper than his blood. He is not the boy wonder anymore, the mantle has been passed like he was nothing but a stand by until something better, someone better, came along.

His father replaced him. His brother- the brother whose love Jason fought so hard to even sniff the hint of- gave his heart freely to Jason’s replacement. His murderer was free and about with no one doing a thing about it.

People he once believed loved him the only way their battered would knew how, people that gave him crumbs but it was okay, it was perfect, because Jason though that was all they had to give and he was honored it was to him that they gave it to; now showered his replacement with all the love his soul still rips itself apart for.

And then they knew he was back, he had expected the guilt, the fear, their realization of how they had wronged him when the red hood came off. He hadn’t expected revulsion. He hadn’t expected his dad Batman to keep punching him, (like every son he had not expected his father’s wrath at being reunited again). He had never seen him hit the clown that hard.

So how? How can he accept your sweet smiles and words of affection when he knows how it ends?

How can he believe anyone can love him if his of father, his maker -because while he did not beget Jason, he did make him into all that he is, he loved him like only a father can, and he broke him like only a father can- cannot?

Jason Todd would set himself ablaze to feel the warmth of someone’s love, but he would not trust it. He can’t. He has been wounded, broken and torn apart one too many times to ever think this will last forever.

Jason believes that for him to be loved he has to turn himself inside out and cut the rot away, cut away everything that stops him from being worth loving, but his body was dead for so very long that now, the rot is all he is, what will remain if he cuts it? Perhaps nothing. Perhaps that is exactly what is worth loving of him.

The greatest tragedy of Jason Todd is that he does not know how many people love him that know him just as he is. How many people feel unconditional love for him in a different world. His greatest tragedy is to never feel the warmth of that love.

recently got reminded of Jason’s “hello bed, hello pillow,” line and how deeply I feel that reflects his character and his longing. so here’s some yearning!jason because that boy loves deeply and profoundly down to his very soul. have I mentioned I love him? also once again the romanized arabic at the end translates to “my life” and it’s quickly becoming one of my favorite terms of endearment for Jay to use.

Thinking about Jason Todd and how deeply he yearns for you. He’s waited so long to be loved in the way he craves, has been so hungry for it that the ache in his belly has never really gone away. He’s been a wraith, a corpse, a man starving for affection and sweetness. And then you come along and change everything for him. How couldn’t he yearn for you? How couldn’t he long for you every moment that you’re not in his presence? Revere you and worship you every moment that you are?

Thinking about Jason Todd who treats you like something divine, something holy. He kisses the bruises you get from bumping into countertops or tripping along the crooked cobblestones in Gotham Heights. He ghosts his thumbs over your closed eyes when you lay down with him to sleep in the early hours of the morning. Jason Todd who holds you so, so close to him. He knows you run cold and he runs burning hot, so it’s only right that he wraps his entire body around you to keep you warm and safe. It’s proof to him that the two of you may be something fated, something that life and death can’t touch. How perfectly you suit each other. His fire to your coolness, his strength to your gentleness, his storm to your clear shining day.

Thinking about Jason Todd who clings to everything he’s ever loved and lost with bloodied fingers from how tightly he holds on. His fingers aren’t bloodied with you though. He doesn’t have to dig his nails in, bite down with his teeth, and force you to stay. You remain peacefully in his arms. You lie there content like you trust him, like you love him. That’s what makes his yearning all the more fierce—it’s returned by you. He used to doubt it, used to think he was unworthy and undeserving and that no one could possibly pick him out of all the people in the world. But you’ve stuck around and proved him wrong. So when he yearns for you, it isn’t with the pain of clawing into something bound to leave him. It isn’t with the bone-deep terror of loss. He yearns for you with the peace of coming home.

Thinking of Jason Todd who comes back from patrol just before daybreak. The sky is the same blue-green as his eyes and exhaustion weighs down his body. Still, his soul lifts when he sees what he’s been longing for for the past three hours. A warm bed, a soft pillow, and his heart snuggled up under the blankets.

“Hello, bed,” Jason says as he pulls his helmet off and sets it on the dresser.

“Hello, pillow,” he greets as he lays his gear on the balcony railings to be cleaned tomorrow.

“Hello, hayati,” he whispers with a kiss to your hair as he climbs into bed and pulls you into his arms.

Just…thinking about Jason Todd who yearns for you.

early morning

pairing: jason todd x gn!reader

summary: you comfort Jason on a bad morning.

tags: angst, hurt/comfort, established relationship, fluff

wc: 0.6k

A part of Jason still couldn’t believe he was here to see it. The light filtered through the blinds, revealing your sleeping face just barely peeking out from under the blankets. If he focused hard enough, he could hear the quiet sounds of your snores breaking up the silence in the room.

Your face, so entirely at peace– he didn’t want to disturb it by getting up to brush his teeth or start on breakfast. So, Jason settles into the pillows still pushed up against the headboard, and gazes down at his scarred hands.

So much he’s had to learn, to have drilled into him, by Bruce or plenty of others worse than him. Emphasizing how to cope with the unexpected. How to be ready to throw an opponent off guard no matter what advantage they may have. But here, lying next to you in your shared room, he’s unsure. How is he supposed to face the peace, the quiet,  the happiness?

He’s fine. He feels completely safe, most definitely for the first time in years, if not his entire life. So why does his chest feel so tight, like any sudden movement would have him unraveling?

You blink awake then. If Jason didn’t know better, he’d think you were able to hear his thoughts. But your face is pinched in concern, only trying to make sense of why your partner seems so tense this early in the morning.

“Hey,” you start, reaching a hand to place on his shoulder.

Jason fights the instinct to push it off, and instead chooses to savor the warmth. “Morning. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“It’s alright,” you look outside, the blinds doing nothing to curb how bright the sun has become. “I was going to wake up soon, anyway.”

He doesn’t say anything, eyes shifting back down to coast across the scrapes of his legs instead of facing you.

“Jason, is something wrong?”

“No,” he answers immediately. “Nothing’s wrong. Everything’s great, actually. I’m here, I have everything I need…” he flicks his gaze up to yours. “I have you.”

You scoot closer to him, draping your other arm across his other shoulder, hugging him from behind. Your head behind his own, gently nuzzling the back of his neck. He can feel the heat of your skin through your sleep shirt, completely enveloping him, and he has the sudden urge to cry. 

Just as you start kissing down his neck, making your way down his vertebrae, you hear his shudder of breath. You place you head on his shoulder and slowly turn to face him.

He’s closed his eyes by now, trying to keep the tears at bay for long enough to convince you he’s fine. He’s sure it’s not working by how your hand is running against his jaw and cupping his cheek.

“Jason, look at me.”

He’s almost shivering, but he manages to open them again. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I don’t know what’s wrong. Nothing’s wrong, it’s just… It’s a bad day.”

You go back to hugging him, then. Both of your arms completely wrapped around him as you slowly pull him back to laying comfortably in your bed. You spoon him from behind and you listen to his breathing slow, then quicken, then slow again as he falls back asleep in your arms.

Tsukishima: Ok, listen up you little shits.

Tsukishima: Not you Yamaguchi, you’re a pearl and we all happy that you’re here.

“kei, do you ever think about how strange it is that we've never fought?” you ask, limbs tangled with his as you cuddle on his bed.

it’s 10:03 PM and you’re doing your best to fight against the chilling, icy atmosphere of tsukishima’s room. for some reason, he likes to sleep like a vampire.

“do you want to?” he offers with an arm wrapped around your shoulders. tsukki doesn’t even open his eyes when he responds, too sleepy to entertain another one of your late night overthinking sessions.

“no,” you say calmly, “but we’ve been together for 7 months. we must either be like, the greatest couple of all time or the exact opposite.”

you feel his chest rise and deflate against your head as he lets an overly dramatic sigh.

you knew tsukishima kei wasn’t one for pda. hell, it was one of the things you loved about him. he knew how to make you feel loved without having to scream it to the world.

like that one time on one of your first dates, when you had accidentally fallen asleep on the soft grass of the park while waiting for his weekend practice to end. you woke up with a hand massaging your scalp.

“how long have you been waiting there?” you giggle, rising from your slumber as you rub your eyes awake. he pulls away, casually avoiding your gaze. “why didn’t you wake me?”

kei only shrugs, “you looked peaceful.”

or that other time you got sick for a week and couldn’t make it to school, so he immediately visited you as soon as you got better and brought his backpack with him.

“i got two copies of all the homeworks due next week, so you don’t have to ask the teachers for them.” he unpacks his notes and fishes out two pens from his bag before turning to you. “come, i’ll teach you everything you missed.”

your teachers praised you for how responsible you were, and told you how much they appreciated that you took the initiative to study.

yeah, you totally did that.

or like right now, and all the other nights you’ve spent at his place. because unbeknownst to you, tsukishima kei sets up his bedroom every single time you visit. he tidies up, cleaning even spots that you would never think to look at. but most importantly, and tsukishima knows this routine by heart, he turns the a/c to the highest setting so you’d be forced to cuddle against him underneath his sheets.

“the former,” is all replies with, and you scoff, rolling your eyes.

“but seriously though. how lucky are we to never have fought even after seven months.”

tsukki sighs again, before reluctantly revealing, “we don’t fight because i make it a point to always agree with you.”

you’re taken aback by his words, sitting up slightly as you look him in the eyes, though his are still closed as he tries to focus on sleeping.

“...huh?”

“idiot,” he teases. maybe he thinks calling you names will cover up for how unbelievably sweet he’s being right now, “why would i want to argue with you?” he shifts, trying to subtly move his face away so you don’t see him fully.

“but i can’t always have my way, you know. a relationship should be 50/50, right?”

“not ours.” he presses your head back against his chest, and you hear his heartbeat fasten a little. “you’re the boss.”

BONUS: “and you’ve never paid in your life anyway. you don’t believe in that 50/50 bullshit.” “hey!” “i don’t even know what your wallet looks like.”

@kokokoula this one’s for u <3

i lost the ask my bad! but here is jason for an anon

List of Vocal Sounds for Smut

I present to you a - probably quite incomplete, I’m sure I’m missing a lot of speech sounds - reference list and a bit of a guideline for the different ways one can describe the sounds your characters make whilst writing smut. I’ll definitely be referring to it, because I sometimes get stuck on exactly how to describe a particular noise. (aka, “he can’t groan again, he just groaned last paragraph”)

Sounds (noun, both independently and describing speech): breath/breathe, gasp, moan, groan, pant, whimper, whine, shout, yelp, hiss, grunt, cry, scream, shriek, sob, growl, curse, sound, sigh, hum, noise, squeak, snarl, howl, roar, mewl, wail, choke, keen, purr

Sounds (noun, describing speech): rasp, husk, drawl, plea, murmur, whisper, beg

Descriptors (adjective): loud, hushed, quiet, low, high, high-pitched, little, tiny, soft, deep, unrestrained, restrained, strained, breathy, rough, sudden, short, drawn-out, sharp, harsh, hard, thick, smooth, thin, heavy, impassioned, insistent, hungry, passionate, repeated, filthy, debauched, sweet, slow, deliberate, guttural, languid, surprised, husky, distracted, happy, pleased, satisfied, wordless, cut-off, bitten-off, contented, hoarse, extended, long, depraved, aching, choked, strangled, broken, helpless, shuddering, shaky, trembling, urgent, needy, desperate, wanton, shattered, pained, eager

Combine a descriptor and a sound for best effect - for example, “needy moan,” “pleased hum,” or “sudden scream.” You can even use two: “low, rough grunt,” “sweet little cry,” “desperate, filthy noise,” as long as you don’t repeat a word that means the same thing, unless you really want to emphasize it. Avoiding repetition is pretty key here. You don’t usually want to say “hushed, quiet gasp” except on rare occasions when it’s very important how soft the sound was.

Use your own common sense, as well; some sounds and descriptors don’t generally work well together. “Deliberate shriek” probably wouldn’t work well, and neither would “languid grunt,” but again, this is all very situational - play around! Have fun.

Feel free to add to my lists, use for your reference or pass them around. It would be fun to see a randomized generator made, too, I’m just too lazy to do it myself. ;)