Food For Thought: If I Isolate Myself And Push Everyone Away Then I Can Kill Myself In Peace

I think i might be borderline. Im so sensitive but sometimes i feel so cold. I feel like i know what i want and deserve but then i feel like i dont deserve it and im such a horrible being. Sometimes its like nothing is never enough and i domt understand why. I feel empathetic but then i feel narcissistic, then i feel like i can percieve very well but then i am being one sided without even realizing. I make things bigger when they shouldn’t because im so insecure and stupid. I self loathe to the core no matter how many people boost me up and even if i try i then revert to not deserving and feeling bad and becominh self destructive and impulsive, indecisive i dont understand. I just want to be perfect for people and im so different around certain friends or people that if i were in a room with everyone of them who all dont know eachother i would freak out and feel like i don’t know who i am. I struggle hard with my identity. I feel like i know who i am but then im scared to be me, i am afraid of change but then sometimes i do and dont notice or get stuck or steal from others little habits like they are a part of me and feel lost when they are gone or i just can never let go. Im selfish yet considerate, it makes no sense, i am distraught. Dont know if i am diagnosed properly. Dont even know my ownself sometimes.

Just finished watching burn the stage and let me just tell you that I love jimin so immensely. He has such a special place in my heart and i hurts me seeing him go through hardships, but I understand where he is coming from. I think one of the reasons why I bias/love Jimin is because I see a lot of him in myself and vice versa. When it comes to my work I down play it so much. I used to say that I’m not that good. And I still struggle with that. I know Jimin knows that he’s an amazing artist. It’s just when you notice the small mistakes in your own work it almost ruins the work itself. A single mistake to some people is ok, but for people like Jimin and I it’s almost enough to throw everything away

“My depression has ruined so many more things than just my mind. All of my relationships and friendships broke apart only when my sadness spoke to them.”

—

do people miss me I can’t imagine myself as a person others think about

“The moment love rejected me and I decided to reject it too. I had to plead guilty of my own murder”

— Rose O.

“If I die before my time keep in mind I wasn’t fine”

— (via killed-long-ago)

it sucks how you still stick around for friends that are in need of help or need a shoulder but when you need that help or shoulder they leave you or block you😔😔😔

I don’t think I have a choice