Does Anyone Else Feel Like They’re Faking It? Not Faking But Like… Not Doing Enough? I Look At Myself

I have always, without a doubt, been a strange girl. Noticeable uncomfortable in my own skin, a constant desire to shrink and shift into somebody, something, anything else. Disappearing being the unattainable goal and going unnoticed the runner up prize. Never the life and soul of the party, never invited to the party, never the best friend more so the acquaintance.

Every ounce of kindness I have ever been shown by anybody, I grasp into with both hands and hope so desperately for it not to slip from between my fingers. It never lasts and it never turns out the way I would of hoped.

Every single relationship I have formed with anybody, has been ruined or tainted in a way, through nobodies fault but my own. I am a wrecking ball and I can’t help but destroy and break and ruin. I am alone, so alone and so painfully lonely. Hurting myself doesn’t suffice and thoughts of throwing it all away are a constant.

After all, what’s the point in it anyway?

“There are days when I look at you and I don’t see the boy I fell in love with. The boy who used to put in effort just to see me smile, the boy whose day wasn’t complete until he heard about mine, the boy who used to hold my hand because he knew i was scared of the dark, the boy who would write letters to me unexpectedly. I don’t see the boy I fell in love with, just another boy who tells me he loves me.”

— //nikitagupta

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I was driving home tonight, the roads were very icy, very dangerous, and there was no one else on the road. I drove faster than I should, hoping that the car would lose grip, but I saw another car on the road, so I slowed down, I don’t want to risk anyone else’s life, just my own. How I wish something had happened, I don’t want to feel like this any longer

i don’t think people understand how much self hate someone has to feel to deny a basic human need as eating

Coming to the conclusion that nobody actually wants me or needs me. I’m unimportant and invisible. I’ll soon disappear and everything will still be the same it’ll be better for everyone, the good thing about people not caring about me

It’s not that I don’t want to live, I want to feel alive. But I have been dead for so long, I don’t even remember how being alive feels. Now, death feels like home, I just want to go home.