The First Lie

To the girl we lost to suicide

I can’t stop thinking about you. You committed suicide over the summer but I still can’t accept the fact that you’re gone. You put on a fake smile for everyone and laughed until you cried. Your family misses you, and so do your friends. We had a suicide prevention assembly after what happened, your friends had to get up and leave because they couldn’t stop thinking of you. Everytime I hear your name, my heart breaks a little. It’s hard going through each day not hearing your laughter. The night you decided to end your life you texted your friends, “I love you guys,” but they never thought twice about it because that’s just who you were. You had so much love to give. You were so beautiful, and so loved. We miss you babygirl. Rest easy.

“I’ve written more suicide notes in my life than i’ve written essays in school.”

— @planeblackstars

Because this explains so much.

gay culture is. 

“It’s suffocating me being here. I can’t stand the routine life I’m in. I sleep all the time because it physically hurts me when I imagine my future. Being here, doing the same thing until I die, marriage arrangement because I’m not allowed to fall in love. It seems ridiculous imagining that this is what I was born for.”

—

signs that your family is abusive:

•you feel the urge to hide from them whenever you’re vulnerable

•you cannot bear the idea of them seeing you cry

when you’re hurt or in pain, you don’t go to them because you feel they’ll tell you that you deserved it or that it was your fault

•you don’t feel like you can confide in them, either because they don’t seem to care, or try to control how you act, or yell at you and punish you, or use the information against you

•you feel very self-conscious around them and keep expecting criticism and insults

•you can’t tell them about your struggles because you already know they’ll side against you

you keep things in your life secret from them because you have a feeling they would ridicule, humiliate, and judge you if they knew, or take everything away from you

•you feel scared of letting them know when they hurt you

•you feel scared and guilty when you so much as think about them in a bad way

•you feel the urge to remind yourself of all the things they did for you, whenever something bad comes up, to be sure that you’re seeing them the way they want to be seen by you

•you’re scared of being accused of being a burden to them

•you’re scared to hold them responsible for things they did to you, because you know they would argue otherwise, and insist they had full right to do what they did, or that you made it up

•you have the inner sense of dread that nothing you ever do or say will be taken seriously by them, and your life will always look like a joke to them

•you dream of living far away from them and feel guilty for wanting to cut them from your life

•you don’t feel like you’re really important in comparison to them, it feels like it’s better to just step aside and let them be important, your life doesn’t matter as much anyway

•you’re worried about how your every action might affect their life, their reputation and social standing

•you feel that they’re ashamed of you and you’re trying your best not to bring further shame on the family

•you feel like you’ll owe them for the rest of your life and nothing you ever do will be enough to erase the debt, and this fills you with dread and feeling of being trapped.

Sometimes I fell asleep with my pillow being wet from tears. Sometimes I fell asleep with blood in my sheets because I thought that was the way to survive.

R.R.

“i like to be numb
 numb from the feelings i feel about life
 and everything around
 so i won’t have to think
 and wonder why 
i am as i am”

— t.m.