I Hate, Hate Golden Trio Bashing Fics. They Have Such A Ride-and-die Friendship Like Bro They Raided

this and the fact that they have similar speech mannerisms

WIP guessing game: help

"I know about Billy, Marvel," Batman says, and Billy . . . blinks.

"You know?!" he sputters. Okay, so apparently his secret identity was just . . . literally never a secret at all, then. Which, well–Batman, so that just figures, really. So actually this is kind of a relief and might even mean that he's fine with–

"Yes," Batman confirms with a nod. "So I understand your current reservations about parenthood."

. . . wait what.

"Huh?" Billy says, blinking stupidly at him.

"I don't know how much of you is still C.C. Batson or what you do or don't remember about being him," Batman says. "But the resemblance is undeniable, if nothing else. Certainly your and your wife's deaths were . . . well, suspicious. And you're hardly the first archeologists to dig up a god or six."

Oh, okay. Well.

This is apparently what Billy gets for his personal mental image of a "hero" being his dad, then, isn't it.

Crap.

"To be honest I've been looking for Billy for a while now, I just didn't want to bring it up before I found him," Batman admits, looking dissatisfied with himself. "My most recent reliable intel puts him in Fawcett City, but I assume you're aware of that, given your evident attachment to the place."

"You're looking for Billy?" Billy asks incredulously. "Why?"

"Because he's your son," Batman says. "And because he's a homeless child who's been abused and neglected and needs help. I honestly don't know where you go when you're not being Captain Marvel–frankly I'm not sure if you even exist when you're not being Captain Marvel, given what little I actually know about your powers and your death and your role as the Champion of Magic and just how damn impossible you are to find when you're off-duty–but I'm assuming that wherever it happens to be is not necessarily conducive to providing a stable home environment and being legally dead certainly can't be helping with that, so my original intention was to find the boy and help you arrange some manner of care for and visitation with him. And given the revelation of your relation to Robin, well . . . I'd like to take Billy in myself, if you'd both be comfortable with that. It seems . . . appropriate, under the circumstances."

"You want to foster Billy because I'm Robin's soulmate?" Billy says, absolutely positive that he's misunderstood literally every single word that just came out of Batman's mouth. There is no possible way that he did not.

"It's not exactly out of my wheelhouse," Batman replies wryly. "Although I'll be keeping this one out of the tights, ideally. Though I make no long-term promises about that because quite frankly at this point I'm spoiled for soulmates who insist on wearing capes and I wouldn't really be surprised to turn up another one, especially given that Robin is yours and your own involvement in the superhero community."

Billy stares at him.

"Wait, are all the Gotham vigilantes your soulkids?" he blurts unthinkingly.

"Not all," Batman says. "But, well . . . probably more of them than you'd expect."

"Oh my god," Billy says in disbelief. "And you're just telling me that?! You don't tell people things, you're Batman!"

"I haven't always been the father I should have been," Batman says, and then he pulls down his cowl. Billy chokes, and then chokes again because apparently Batman is Bruce freaking Wayne and his brain just . . . just needs a moment to process that fact, like there is literally any way whatsoever that he could ever actually process that fact. He would've been less surprised to see a Kardashian under that mask, he's pretty sure. At least they've got athletes in the family, technically! "So I'm not going to make things difficult for you with Robin. Clearly he needs more than I'm capable of providing, and I'm perfectly willing to be transparent and to co-parent with you as much as possible. I want Robin to be safe and content and grow up well, and frankly put, Batson, you've proven yourself to be a good man time and again and I trust you to do what's best by our son."

Okay, well, now Billy just feels like dirt.

"You do know what happened to Billy, don't you?" he asks just a little bit desperately, because there is literally no way that this conversation is a real and actual thing that's really and actually happening. "Like, just–everything that happened there? There's a reason he's not in school or the system or with a relative or anything like that."

"What happened to Billy wasn't your fault," Batman tells him, meeting his eyes all quiet and intent and sincere. "And I will do everything in my power to help you make it right."

"Oh no, you're actually like . . . just genuinely a really good person, aren't you," Billy says despairingly, staring at him all over again and really, really wishing he could swear right now.

Maybe he'll just go throw himself into the sun. Maybe that's what he'll just go and do.

The corner of Batman's mouth quirks up wryly. His eyes even crinkle a little, which Billy can see on account of his total lack of cowl right now, oh god.

Billy despairs.

"I mean it," Batman says gently. "It wasn't your fault, and it doesn't mean you can't be a good father now."

"I need to talk to Robin," Billy says, because he definitely, definitely needs to talk to Robin. Batman inclines his head in an accepting nod, because Batman is probably under the impression that Billy wants to go give Robin a good ol' traditional "I know I'm not your biodad but I'm here for you, champ!" kind of speech, and Billy just . . . really cannot explain the real situation to him right now. Or ever.

Can he just lie to Batman for the rest of their lives, maybe? He can just pretend to be his own dad for the Justice League and keep dodging whatever Bat-surveillance happens to be in Fawcett and parent his older-than-he-is soulmate, right? That's a thing that he can do?

That's probably not a thing that he can do.

Although he might be willing to try, at this point.

Really stupid au where when they were younger, Kakashi and Obito shared an accidental kiss a lot like Sasuke and Naruto. (Kakashi commits to his mask shortly after but will never not insist it's unrelated)

Years later and Kakashi, trying to cheer up Naruto and Sasuke ab their own embaressing accidental first kiss, shares his own story

Then, years later when Obito reveals himself on the battlefield, instead of going "woah, another Uchiha!?" when he hears his name, Naruto can't help but point and shout OH MY GOD UR THE GUY WHO KISSED SENSEI!!!!!!!!

Instant dead silence. (Obito wants to die)

Sakura, who never heard the story ab how it was a one time accidental kiss: "omg... sensei's childhood boyfriend went evil on him... this is so fucked up"

Obito is VIOLENTLY thrown off by this turn of events (and also hasn't actually thought ab it in years oh my god that did happen didn't it)

Kakashi, seeing how badly it threw him off, and also the kind of person who plays hard into throwing people off and generally fucking w them to gain an edge, seeing Sakura mumbling ab lovers to enemies and just kinda goes "Yeah Obito I can't believe you'd do this to me I thought we had smthn special."

"Yeah a rivalry????"

"So I was only ever a way for u to get stronger,, figures u were using me,,,"

[Confused Obito car crash noises]

Sakura yells smthn ab him being a deadbeat and how Kakashi can do so much better and Naruto is instantly shouting in agreement as Sasuke stands there like "hn." Which is basically the same thing for him

Kakashi just starts straight up lying actually

"What about all those picnics we went on... watching the sun set over konoha..."

"Are you talking about when Minato said we weren't allowed to come back inside till we stopped arguing and ate on opposite ends of the roof bc we couldn't even look at eachother without yelling???"

"It was so romantic."

Obito, starting to actually doubt himself, "was that a date????"

(It was not.)

"You died in my arms..."

"I died under a rock"

"We literally got eye married" (not a thing, he just made this up 3 seconds ago)

"We got WHAT" (no one can prove him wrong tho bc no surviving Uchiha knows that much ab their clans marriage traditions)

"Oh my god sensei's husband is a deadbeat" - sakura, horrified (and maybe a little delighted)

"Figures." -Sasuke, who's been in proximity w Obito for some time now and absoloutley believes every word ab this topic Kakashi is saying

"Woah. This is almost as bad as the fact he murdered my parents when I was a baby dattebayo" - Naruto who's priorities are NOT what they should be

"Ok. I wouldn't go that far." - Sasuke, who's priorities are also fucked but not THAT fucked, oh my god Naruto

"No, no he's right. We should kill him even harder for this" - Sakura, who doesn't actually agree but wants an excuse for more juicy sensei love drama (and also wants to see Obito beaten to death anyways)

they liked this on twitter im thinking you would too

i love watching namra in the back of scenes. shes literally always just standing there like a goddamn horror movie character perfectly still, and then suhyeok walks up and is like "hi wifey❤, are you doing okay? do you need some water? i love you." and she keeps standing there but she's happier.

random dexter rambling.. i miss rita.

instead of her dying, dexter saves her in time. she doesn't remember much about the assault but she swears she saw him kill her attacker before she loses consciousness. she wakes up in the hospital, he's there by her side. his hands trembling as he holds hers, brows furrowed, unable to meet her eyes. he mumbles "im sorry" and they sit in silence. she's trying to remember what happened but it's a blur. debra comes in and checks on her, gives them the bad news that trinity is in the wind. only, he's not and dexter knows it. he's at the bottom of the ocean, rotting in a trash bag. he's grateful for that at least, but he feels so guilty for what almost happened to rita. weeks pass, things are *different* between them to say the least. strained, painful. almost as if they can't look at each other anymore. he tries to talk but the words won't come out.

one day, rita has a dream of the attack, and clearly sees dexter stab trinity. she decides to follow him one night. she isn't sure why she hasn't ever done this before, he's always out so late.. and she's never quite sure what he's really doing. she watches with wide eyes as she sees him heaving what looks like a body in his trunk. he drives to an abandoned looking house. the moment he's inside with the body she shuts off her vehicle and follows him. she's peeking through the windows but can't see anything, so she sneaks inside quietly.

it's then that she sees all the plastic sheeting, curiously, she peeks behind it. only to reveal dexter, in all his homicidal glory, shoving a knife into some random man she's never met. the look in his eyes terrifies her and she lets out a gasp, almost tripping over something and falling back. his head snaps up and he can't believe his eyes. before she even gets a chance to run he's grabbing her, covering her mouth so she can't scream.

"it isn't what you think i promise- i was only-"

he can't think of a reasonable excuse, instead he just starts begging her not to leave him. he doesn't even care if she turns him in, he can't kill her. a million thoughts are running through his head and the biggest one is: "i can't lose them. my family. my wife. i won't lose them."

she's crying, her tears running onto his hand. the way she's looking at him makes his chest ache. he isn't sure what that feeling is, maybe hurt?

he takes his hand away slowly, "please.. rita. i can explain."

she shakes her head and looks away from him. she can't speak. she can't move, too terrified of the man she thought she knew. the man she married, the man she loves. loved? she doesn't even know anymore. was everything a lie?

he begins kissing her tears, salty on his lips. his hands, always so gentle when they touch her. even now, when they are covered in someone's blood.

"please," he begs again, his voice desperate.

she's shaking against him and she rasps out, "you killed him.. didn't you? the.. man who hurt me? i saw you.."

he nods and swallows the lump in his throat, "yes.. and this man. he hurt other people too. i only kill the ones who deserve it. i swear, i can prove it to you."

as if that justified him, as if that would make her stay. she finally looks up at him, and he can't tell what she's thinking. she's searching for something, he thinks, in his eyes. deceit, truth. every moment that passes is like an eternity until finally she stops shaking and her eyes soften. it's all beginning to click for her.

"this is your addiction, isn't it?"

he wants to say yes, because for the longest time it had been.. but the fear he just felt when he thought he could lose her told him otherwise. he kissed her, expecting her to pull away in disgust. only she didn't, she let him melt against her. shedding the mask he had put on for his entire life. someone finally saw him.. and she didn't leave.

there's no way Professor McGonagall hasn't beat the shi out of Mrs. Norris when she was in her animagus form

"You know he's not showing up because he likes yoga, right?"

Jazz raised an eyebrow as she chewed her bite of salad.

"I'm telling you, Jazz, he has other motives like getting the instructor's number."

"Maybe he already has my number." Jazz said innocently. At Danny's balked expression, her mouth turned upward into a predatory grin. She propped both elbows on the table on either side of her plate and rested her chin on folded hands. "Did you see his bike?"

She answers his question. He asks her if she’ll ever fall inlove with him. It’s an insult to her. Oh, if you ask this, then can you remove the tree where you carved our bed? No you can’t. You can never do that, unless you took a knife and carved it out of its hold. Then why do you ask me such a stupid question? Can you tell I’m going insane with this song????

I’ve been cackling about this for like five minutes now