I Wanted To Be Loved, But Not Like This.

……..

Im still getting over the fact that you will never pay for what you did. But I will. I have to live with that for the rest of my life, it doesn’t go away.

When I say I hit an all time low,

I mean that I spent two hundred and eighty nine days without sunlight,

I’ve never known a rose to grow immersed in eternal night -

auctioned off my heart for the gift of sight,

I wonder how long I’ve lived my life blinded by the rose tinted glass?

false love will have you struggling to distinguish between gold and brass.

I draw out the sequence.

your palms met her flesh,

my reflection in the mirror is reduced to ash.

I feel my heart hit the floor,

blood stains in the carpet - proof that love does not live here anymore

next time just wrap them around my neck,

I get the same hand of cards

out of every single deck.

from love,

suffocating, choking,

that is the only sensation I have come to expect,

you know that better than me,

extinguished every fire set to your trees,

don’t you remember?

she left everything around you to burn,

choked on all the smoke,

still you fixated on all the ember,

if this body was ever not hollow,

I wouldn’t remember.

two hundred and eighty nine days,

I spent treading in the shallow,

moulded my existence out of clay just to fill another persons shadow.

You thought you were going to be hot shit, didn’t you? You thought you were going to be somebody , didn’t you? Overreaching without ambition, you know what that means? It means you weren’t brave enough to be better. It means you are mediocre. You wanna fail me? I fucking dare you! Screw your courage to the sticking place and make it mean something to you because this banality, this falsity you wallow in will devour you until you are as small as you pretend to be. And then… you will disappear and no one will give any more thought to you than they do an unread cookie fortune..

We don’t talk about it.

We don’t talk about it at all.

That night I scratched lightening bolts into your back , shook so hard I thought winter was leaking in from the window. You curled towards me in your sleep , heart as loud as a drum line.

Now….

We are quiet as headstones.

I didn’t know all the difference, morning brings.. 💔

"You can tell me everything, i'll be here for you"

No you won’t.

You’ll use it against me later.. 🖕🏻