itsrainyheart

Latest Posts by itsrainyheart

I exist between obsidian landscapes. Beneath a burgundy blanket. Within grey and navy sweaters. Amongst white eyeliners and tears that escape those eyes every so often. In a foreign land, where the moon doesn’t quite look like it does back home; although it is the same sky. Alongside time zones and unappealing dreams. 

constantly being betrayed

words from merry Christmas, please don’t call by bleachers!

I want to finish university in three years and I want to be 20 and move to Boston or Cambridge or Rome. I want to have a house of my own, one that I can call home. I want a wishbone drying on the windowsill of my kitchen, just in case I wake up and realize I’ve chosen wrong. I want to brew coffee in the morning and drink it in the expensive china my mum bought when I was 16. I want to dye my hair blonde at 19 and dye it again at 20 because I want to be okay with not being those blondes who always have fun. I want a navy blue or an emerald green or a tangerine orange sofa to lie on, on the nights the bed feels too heavy and the kitchen floor feels more cynical than I do. I want a pink wall and a yellow one. I want there to be a candy bowl on the center table, always. I want to wear slip dresses and long, heavy boots under big coats. I want to like my flushed nose and red cherry-stained lips. I want to get a million little tattoos. And a piercing or two; or four. I want to love but god, love is a phantom that dances just beyond my reach.

american women your objective for the next four years is to make men miserable. exacerbate that male lonliness epidemic as much as you possibly can.

The only behavior I wish women would copy from men is caring less about people's feelings. I am not talking about family or friends, but literally strangers screaming demands at us. One of the reasons why women's issues are so much more policed than men's is because we are so easy to guilt-trip. We care so much about being liked and seeing as good women that we are letting people step on us. It's time to have more pride and less forced empathy.

why use makeup and high heels to strike fear into the hearts of men when just existing as an autonomous person with your own thoughts and feelings is the most terrifying thing any man can imagine

for no particular reason, now seems like a good time to read "on tyranny" by timothy snyder. which teaches how dictatorships work and how one may navigate living under one. I am starting it now myself and will report back on what I learn.

he's the one who coined "don't obey in advance," meaning do not obey a law that does not exist yet. in our current situation, that means not doing things like try to scrub your internet presence of any sign of queerness, because being queer is currently legal in the USA and you are acting like it is not.

the impulse to anticipate is understandable, especially with such high stakes. but if you retreat before you are attacked, you lose before the fight begins. resist. connect to community and stand together. we need courage now, and we need each other.

we don't need to become small and fearful and alone, trying to blend in with nazis to save our own skins. and remember to whom that option is even available, and to whom it is not. we must prioritize protecting the latter groups of people and each other, collectively.

inside of you is courage you cannot even begin to imagine yet. what you have to do is keep the door open for it and be brave enough to care for your community. resist the temptation to just look out for number one instead.

margaret atwood / louise glück

journal entry (march 20 2024)

An absence so heavy it becomes a presence

hey remember the sun is going away and you’re going to go nuts and to not take it personally

hey has anyone found a way to act on your desires without opening yourself to failure

even if you don’t believe in god, you have to believe in narrative. things happen, one after another, world without end. just because you’re self-aware doesn’t mean you can change what’s happening. eventually someone is going to break your heart. eventually something you love is going to be taken away. and then you will fall to the floor crying. and then, however much later, it is finally happening to you: you’re falling to the floor crying thinking “i am falling to the floor crying” but there’s an element of the ridiculous to it — you knew it would happen and, even worse, while you’re on the floor crying you look at the place where the wall meets the floor and you realize you didn’t paint it very well and when you’re having sex with your next lover on this very floor they will also notice that you didn’t paint it very well and they will think less of you for it. and then you have to hold the contradictions of sobbing uncontrollably and wondering about grammar in your head at the same time.

*

richard siken

what's wrong babe you've barely touched your potential even though all your elementary teachers really liked you and said you were gifted and that you were going to do great things

Saturday, 27 July 2024

Some nights I think I’m very brave to even have the courage to wake up the next morning

Slow Dance with Sasquatch, Jeremy Radin

🔎 how to break the cycle

🔎 how to break the cycle reddit

🔎 wikihow to break the cycle

Can they make an internet that's fun to be on soon

the spirit is not willing and the flesh it is not so into the idea either

*

miranda july / hanif abdurraquib / natalie wee / august rodin / neil hilborn

Lactose: e-excuse me...

Stomach: hey, what do we have here? Some goddamned lactose!

Small intestine: we don't like lactose here, ya know? You're gatecrashing a very private party!

Large intestine: (pushes him, making him stumble) there's two ways you can leave here... The easy way, or the hard way. What's it gonna be?

Lactose: but I...

Lactase: (deep voice) step back, everyone. (walks up and puts his arm around lactose's shoulders) he's with *me*

Large intestine: lactase?!

Small intestine: b-but you're both...

Lactase: I *said* he's with me. You got a problem with that?

Stomach: (finishes sizing him up) right. Course not. It's cool, lactose. Just don't cause any *problems*, you hear?

Lactose: I-I w-

Lactase: you don't have to answer that, babe. Just keep walking

some things you never really get over

the texts you wish you wouldn’t have sent in the first place. the first time you let the boy touch you. the girl who came to your bedroom every evening; i swear i can feel her besides me on certain evenings. when you read your favourite poem to the girl who could’ve been the love of your life. the guilt of not speaking to your childhood best friend for over a year before she died. when your father told you that you’re his biggest mistake. your mother’s misery. becoming the third friend on the sidewalk that only fits two. love. rot. love that becomes rot and buries you.

Being a young adult is so strange. You enter a coffee shop. The 20 year old girl waiting behind you cried all night because she just came to a new city for university and she feels so alone. That 27 year old guy over there works a job he is overqualified for, he lives with his parents and wants to move out but doesn't know what to do about it. That one 24 year old dude already has a car, a house, and a job waiting for him once he graduates thanks to his dad's connections. The 26 year old barista couldn't complete his higher education because he has to work and take care of his family. The 28 year old girl sitting next to you has no friends to go out with so she is texting her mother. That couple (both 25 years old) are married and the girl is pregnant. The 29 year old writing something on her laptop has realized that she chose the wrong major so she is trying to start all over. We are not alone in this, but we are actually so alone. Do you feel me

Savannah Brown, from Closer Baby Closer; “Notes on your dramatic exit from the house party”

[Text ID: “OH YOU DO LOVE THEM / YOU DO / JUST NOT / IN THE WAY THAT LETS BOTH OF YOU LIVE”]

i think i love you, which is odd, because i promised myself i couldn't love anything that breathes - on account of a sense for the dramatic and also one time i got thrown against the ground so hard that the splatter was chalk dust. i said i'd never let that happen standing up. it happened like a sunrise anyway, between the fingers over my eyes. you flew as a bird and made a nest in my heart. i want it to pass over me like a locust. my hands keep shaking. anything close can cut through bone. like looking down a deep hole, i hear the stones skitter over and plunge. i wanna be an adult about this and instead i feel like crying. this will only make things worse. i wasn't supposed to do this again. what a fool, this girl.

it's like she wants to get hurt.

“The word ‘naked’ is a translation of the Hebrew erom, which is used to describe a state of being stripped or vulnerable, and is without sexual connotation. […] Called out by God, Adam says: ‘I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.’ His nakedness, erom, merely implies vulnerability. Perhaps Adam and Eve hid from God not because they were suddenly prudish, nor because their disobedience had been found out, but because they realised their fragility and insignificance. They were exposed, not as sexual beings but as mortal ones.”

— Anne Enright, The Genesis of Blame