You Know That Feeling When You're Writing A Fanfic Idea For A Tumblr Post But Then That Fanfic Idea Becomes

I know we all live the “Batfam isn’t allowed to go to crime drama watch parties or mystery shows because they crack it in five seconds” trope, but hear me out:

They’re terrible at it, because they’re trained for real life, and real life lacks all the drama. Worse. They can’t interrogate suspects themselves, check the crime scenes, follow their normal protocols.

They’re not invited because they keep complaining about what they would do.

They still excel at escape rooms, but that’s because of the riddler.

Is there a fic where Bruce gets Damian as a newborn and still adopts Dick? I’d love to see Bruce juggling nap times and burping while dealing with an angry hormonal preteen! I think it’d be good for him.

(Also Damian getting all these older brothers but still being the first son! Damian teasing everyone by claiming “technically I was here first so I’m the oldest!”)

So I’m catching up on Batman lore and comics.

I NEED A FANFIC WHERE SOMEONE SITS DOWN AND TELLS JASON THAT BATMAN TRIED TO KILL THE JOKER, ALMOST STARTED A WAR, AND WAS STOPPED BY SUPERMAN.

It drives me insane that the only reason Joker is not in a lead box at the bottom of Gotham Harbor is he somehow magically became the Iranian ambassador (how?!) and the UN hired Superman to stop Batman from causing WW3.

AND NO ONE TELLS JASON!

Oh! I hear you cry, But he saved Joker’s life after Dick beat him to death! Jason deserves to be angry.

OH BULLSHIT!

Dick wasn’t trying to avenging Jason! He almost kills Joker by mistake in a moment of grief and Joker egging him on! Dick literally mourns after he realizes what he’s done, claiming by killing the Joker “Joker won.”

So why would Batman save the Joker? I’ll tell you why. Batman didn’t save the Joker for Joker! Batman saved the Joker to save Dick!

Dick is acting on revenge for the near death of Tim and despite it being Killer Croc who had captured and presumably killed Tim, Dick blames the Joker and goes on a poorly thought out vengeance quest that haunts him even when it doesn’t work. He’s spiraling the minute Tim points out Joker is dead. You really think Bruce couldn’t see the writing on the wall that actually killing someone would destroy Dick and try to minimize the guilt Dick would feel by not letting the Joker die.

His second son is dead. The third was just thought to be dead. Batman isn’t going to sit back and let his oldest kill himself!

(Now you could argue all that I’m saying is fandom rationalizations of weird character choices made by multiple writers over at DC (Disregard Canon). Batman does let Dick walk away in shame after reviving Joker. But if I chose to forget that Bruce PUNCHES Dick after Dick rightfully demands to know why Bruce didn’t try to tell him his brother died before the funeral, I can damn well recontextualize a stupid panel and scrape together a consistent character profile based on the versions of Batman that I like! Fuck you!)

So yes! SOMEONE PLEASE JUST TELL JASON WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED AFTER HE DIED SO HE CAN MAKE AN INFORMED DECISION FOR ONCE!

• so we wander •

I want Damien and Tim to be friends so bad. I want chaotic younger sibling energy team up to make everyone else’s life hell! They both have big gremlin energy and 0 chill and poor understanding of other peoples limits.

Stop being cowards @DC, let Tim and Damien wreak havoc!

If you have fics, pls rec and my life is yours!

A feast for kings

A Batman fanfic idea:

A “Tim gets adopted early” AU but Jason still goes to Ethiopia, still gets betrayed and captured and tortured and dies.

So Batman is losing it. It takes all of Superman’s strength and cunning to keep Batman from killing the joker. And it’s only his youngest son’s voice through the comms who calms him down long enough to be restrained.

But even then, Batman can’t control himself completely. He’s not drinking. He has a child to take care of and he’d die before he turns into the worst kind of father’s Gotham has to offer.

But Dick still hates him and Alfred’s quiet presence isn’t the balm it usually is — instead just reminding him how much he missed Jason’s noise and joy. Of course, little Tim isn’t handling the lose of his brother very well either, the quiet child turning inwards in his grief.

So Batman goes out and with each sunset becomes darker, more violent, more desperate. Sloppy. One night he takes two shots to the back after already tearing his suit. He has no backup. He can’t think of a back up plan.

Once again it’s Tim’s voice, warm and alive, over the comms that gives him the strength to get up and limp into the Batmobile. It’s Tim’s presence that gives him enough strength to come home.

Tim is waiting in the cave for him, refusing to leave as Alfred and Dr. Thompson dig the bullets out of his back and sew his skin closed. Tim holds his hand through it all, never turning those ice blue eyes, even when the tears come.

It’s the last night he’s Batman. He can’t do it anymore, can’t do it to Tim. He can’t make his last son an orphan. Not again.

He tells Alfred first. Then Superman who tells the league. Finally, he calls Dick and tells him the truth, not the lie he told Superman about injuries and rest or the story he spun Alfred about being tired, he tells Dick, “I’m not strong enough.”

Dick understands and Dick hates him for it.

Nightwing moves to Gotham. Dick Grayson-Wayne moves back to the manor.

Tim never becomes Robin. There isn’t a Batman to save anymore.

Bruce Wayne calms down after the death of his son, people say. He rarely leaves the manor these days and only when he’s accompanied by his sons. What a doting father!

Nightwing gets a sidekick called Black Bat. Batgirl returns with blonde hair. The underground speak of an all seeing eye coined Oracle.

Bruce Wayne never adopts another child after Tim Drake-Wayne.

Eventually, because of time and family therapy, Dick forgives Bruce. Nightwing never forgives Batman.

And three years after the retirement of Batman, Red Hood returns to the city that failed him.

I know it’s for the angst and maybe it’s a thing in canon cause comic books. But if the batfamily are just human — Just straight 100% human — then they cannot hide their injuries.

A sprained ankle, once sprained, is easier to sprain. A bruised rib can turn into a fractured rib. A cut can get infected. A bruise can be hiding internal bleeding. All injuries, if ignored, can get worse.

First off. Just to clarify. The reality of the situation is that our very fun fleshy human characters just cannot be getting as hurt as frequently as they do in fics. In the comics, Bruce getting bruised ribs is a sign he is not taking care of himself and is being reckless and dangerous after Jason’s death. This might have changed in modern comics (that’s dumb. Batman doesn’t get hurt because he’s skilled and prepared. If they’ve changed that for shock or vibes, it’s stupid.) but it just can’t be true. The human body doesn’t heal that fast. There is no “magnify the sun to heal faster” tech for the batfamily. It’s one thing if Bruce used magic so they could insta-heal. But he doesn’t like magic either!

Bruised ribs and sprained ankles which seem “not that bad” in a lot of fics can keep a professional athlete from practice for weeks if not months. Let’s not even get into how it can affect a professional during the actual game/race/event.

The batfamily — who must be operating at peak physical fitness and pushing their bodies to the physical limit on top of the rigorous training/working out they do to enhance their skills — must 1) treat their bodies intelligently, 2) have some kind of rest day system so their bodies don’t shut down from the stress and 3) treat every injury seriously and timely to avoid exasperation and unnecessary healing time.

I get its comic books. I get Damian has such perfect awareness of his body he can shift his organs (ew.) to avoid being fatally stabbed. He’s still just a guy! They’re all just guys in super cool futuristic body armor and some neat gadgets.

(Side note: That body armor has gotta have some kind of kinetic dispersion system like Black Panther’s to keep the bruises minimal. Which means that body armor has to be good at stopping knives and guns from piercing the human flesh underneath. Which means that body armor cannot have any obvious flaws or weaknesses like only the cape is bulletproof and short shorts revealing the femeral artery!

(What I mean is maybe Dick and Jason had some like flesh colored armor leggings. Please let me live in delusion!)

Plus there has to be under layers. The color pattern top might be spandex or some kind of colored Kevlar-like fabric, but there must be special under garments, jock straps, compression shorts, ankle and wrist wraps. Something! Just Kevlar against bare skin would be impossible. Think of the rash! The sweat!There must be some kind of sweat-slicking layer or something that keeps you cool while you exert yourself running around a massive city like Gotham*. Otherwise they’d pass out from overheating!)

And since they’re just guys, when they get injured it is a big deal! They cannot hide their injuries, especially if they’re working with others. Injuries mean physical limitations which means your teammates have to pick up the slack. If your teammates don’t know they have to pick up the slack, not only are you endangering yourself but you are endangering your teammates.

And no matter how frustratingly emotionally constipated the bats are, no way are they choosing to risk their friends and family welfare for the sake of pride.

Think about it:

If you have mobility issues then you’re on sidewalk duty? Youre walking or motorcycle. Either way you’re off rooftops until you can safely grapple without pulling some stitches on your side or exasperating the ache in your upper back.

If you hide it and then you lose your gripe on your grapple because you have a full body flinch from pulling something and your teammates have to catch you or you die. Well that’s stupid. That’s a stupid way to die. No ego is worth that stupid death.

If you’re not sleeping which means your reaction time is sloppy** then you’re just not patrolling. There is plenty of work that doesn’t require the bats to be fighting around the city. The detective work can be done at a desk looking through camera footage, tracking down informants or victims or witnesses, or just mining the web for info. Plus paperwork, gadget maintenance, and the other fussy work that happens when you don’t have a company dedicated to maintaining your status of superhero like Ironman does.

All I’m saying is I know the cool part is the swinging and the patrolling and the fighting. Having an injury — a serious one with bone and blood — sounds cool and adds tension. Hell hiding an injury sounds like something they would do because they’re emotionally stunted idiots who don’t want to be a burden on their loved ones, right?

But they’re Bats! They’re effective, efficient, smart. They are human with human limits that can keep up with Supers and Flashes and Themyscirans. But to do that, they have to be managing their human limits intelligently.

TLDR: The BatFam cannot be getting injured that frequently or hiding injuries from teammates — the family or otherwise — without becoming massive liabilities in the field which would make their jobs nearly impossible to complete at the level of excellence they must do to keep up with the rest of the superhero community.

——

* By the way, Gotham is a city with a population of 10 million. For reference, NYC has 8 million people. Gotham also has enough land to have entire city blocks permanently unoccupied. Think about that! If NYC had a plot of land unoccupied, it would be built up into housing and business space immediately because space is a hot commodity in a city of 8M! How much fucking space does Gotham have!!!

** Yes you can survive without any sleep up to 30 days but that’s because by day 30 your organs shut down. Lack of sleep starts costing you as soon as 36 hours without sleep. They have to be sleeping a full 8-10 hours (or more because again they’re moving so much!) at some point to keep up. If they have insomnia then maybe they take something to go to sleep like a special bat-ambien.

by Bannai Taku