This Panel Kills Me Every Time

realistically i have a phone with tumblr in it but ideally i have a nokia brick and a accounting magazine subsribction

Peter always hiding his injuries cause they’re usually from fighting villains, and one day he gets attacked while as Peter Parker and it makes the news but he still goes to an event (cause he’s always either missing them or showing up late cause of his Spidey stuff so he tries to show when he can)

And his friends, who just saw him get injured on tv, are watching him walk around, slightly hunched over, a bit pale and shaky, trying to pretend he’s not injured, and are all realizing with various levels of horror that Peter actually always looks like that, so how often is he showing up to events hella injured??

while there are a lot of close relationships within the batfam, one of my absolute favorites is Dick and Jason. I feel like they’re one of those duos that LOOK wildly incompatible but the moment push comes to shove, they’re actually super competent and work together in all the best ways

the best part of it is how they utilize that, though. I think one of their absolute favorite things to do is, because they were the “OG” batkids, talk about things that happened before anyone else was there. are these things real? Who knows.

Cass: *looks mournfully at the bandages covering her feet* I won’t be able to attend my ballet recital after the injuries I got from patrol Jason: *sipping coffee* never stopped Dickie. I think he showed up to a gymnastics meet in a neck brace, once. It took a good ten minutes of begging before they let him compete. Bruce still doesn’t know about that. Cass: can I— Jason: no.

Damian: have you ever fought with father, Grayson? Dick: *chokes on his cereal* wh—w— *pounds his own chest and coughs* yeah?? Of course?? *looks desperately to Jason for help, not wanting to explain to Damian that he and Bruce had spent more time yelling at each other than being nice in his teen years* Jason: *sagely* yeah, there was that time ya brought home a Dalmatian th’ size of a freakin’ truck. Where did ya get that again? Abandoned on a case? Owner killed? Something like that. We had t’ give him t’ the shelter. Damian: you had a DALMATION and NEGLECTED TO INFORM ME???? Dick: *glared at Jason*

there’s no holes in their stories, to the other kids. One says something, the other immediately corroborates it. There’s no hesitation, no sign either is lying. Even Tim can’t figure it out, because Bruce was shit at keeping logs of stuff in that period of time and Dick and Jason are just that good at lying??

or maybe they’re just telling the truth???

no one can tell

Tim: *examining a corner of the batcave* what is this??? Someone—hahaha someone etched their initials into the wall!! Jason: *without missing a beat* that was the joker . . . We caught him, didn’t have a proper cell at the time so he got out there . . . He spent the weekend starving while we ate cereal in front of him . . . Good times Tim: Tim: *looks to Dicks and finds him nodding* dick: that cereal was really good. Too bad Joker escaped, we were only allowed to get that really sugary brand because of the circumstances . . . Tim: what the fuck Tim: hey B, you do know that Selina is totally in love with you, right? Bruce: *keeping stoically silent* Dick: oh, he knows. And he’s in love with her right back Jason: *gaining a shit-eating grin* yeah, he once bought her a whole Batmobile and rebranded it to be a “Catmobile” but she laughed so hard at it that it’s been sitting in storage for years ever since Tim: Bruce: dick: *nodding* true story

bruce was not made to be a father he was made to be a grandpa. hes not supposed to raise children he's supposed to spoil grandchildren rotten and terrorize strangers with images of ugly babies. you will never see bruce wayne more serene or at peace with the universe than when he is in some meeting in some board room showing a bunch of people who really hate children photos of his granddaughter until they look like hes got them in a saw trap. Once upon a time he would have been trapped in here with them. Now, though? They're trapped in here with him.

After Clark tells Lois that he’s Superman—and, you know, the last surviving member of his alien race, no big deal—she starts wondering what is Clark being Clark and what is Clark being an alien. She makes lists and asks endless questions. Clark is (mostly) patient with her. It’s cute.

“Does coffee actually do anything for you? I mean, you look half dead without it, so I assume the caffeine does something.”

“Hurtful, but okay. It’s psychological. I like the taste and it’s part of my routine. I guess I’ve conditioned myself to feel like I need it to start the day.”

“Your music—do you actually like it, or is that just a front?”

“Yes, Lois, I actually like Beyoncé. She makes art. Have you heard the harmonies? She sings them all herself and then layers—“

“Oh my God, Superman’s in the BeyHive.”

“Meg’s great too.”

“Trainor?”

“Thee Stallion.”

“Oh my God, Superman’s having a Hot Girl Summer.”

“Do you eat? I mean…wait, is that food allergy thing a lie?”

“Do I—yes, Lois, you’ve seen me eat!”

“Okay, but do you need to? Also, way to dodge the food allergy question.”

“Under a red sun, yes, I would need to eat regularly. Under a yellow sun, assuming I’m not injured, I’m pretty sure I could go weeks without food. I haven’t tested it, though.”

“And the food allergy?”

“I’m not eating Cat’s deviled eggs at the office potluck, and I don’t feel bad for lying.”

“So your snack drawer at work—“

“Is just a snack drawer. One you shouldn’t even know about. How do you—“

“Hush, let me finish. Peanut butter crackers. Peanut butter pretzels. Peanut butter cups. A jar of peanut butter. What gives?”

“I like peanut butter.”

“Clearly!”

“It’s good protein!”

“Do you fake being startled? Like when people pop up behind you?”

“No. Just because I can hear you doesn’t mean I’m actively listening or always paying attention.”

“So you can hear when people are having se—“

“Can I? Yes. I’m also tuning it out, because ew. Massive invasion of privacy, and I don’t want to know what everyone gets up to.”

“What do you get up to?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?”

“Yes, Clark, that’s why I’m asking.”

Day 33– Hatteno Village

Welcome to Hatteno Village! They like to insist Link and Zelda are their local cryptids.

(Wanna see more of this totk au? It’s called familiar familiar and it’s a what-if-zelda-doesn’t-go-back-in-time and then spiralled into crit-rewrites-totk-into-a-self-indulgent-botw-continuation)

((Wanna support me? Check out my patreon for sketches and early access! Remember to use web or android folks, apple charges 30 percent tax.))

Jason the type of guy to get so mad at how slowly the streets are getting plowed that he steals a snowplow and starts doing it himself. There’s tiktoks of it. “The gotham municipality department so bad at plowing snow the fucking red hood is doing it 😭😭💀💀💀💀” (video of red hood blowing down the street in a ford f350 w a plow on it that says GOTHAM MUNICIPAL DEPARTMENT on the doors). Viral video of him waiting at a red light like a good boy & some civilian takes it upon themself to do an impromptu interview aka knocks on his window & asks why hes plowing the snow & he’s so mad that he takes off his helmet (got a mask underneath) and leans his whole torso out the window to gesticulate about it as he hollers. Hes so mad his accent makes him very nearly unintelligible

I know for a fact that, at some point a couple years after Dick moved to Blüdhaven, he came back to work a case with Bruce and at some point they needed to get into some party or something and Bruce of course is about to pull out the Brucie persona to sleaze by the security, but before he can Dick turns into Richie Grayson <<3 and hits on the bouncers until they're way too flustered not to let them in and Bruce is SHOCKED and pulls him aside and is like "DICK WTF YOU CAN'T DO THAT YOU'RE A MINOR" and Dick just stares at him like. "Dad I'm 24." And Bruce has a mental breakdown because his BABY BOY should NOT know what those words mean

it’s a batkid tradition to memorise Bruce’s credit card number. when you join the family you get kidnapped and held hostage by the kids while the existing siblings drill you repeatedly until you can quote all the numbers like a soldier mindlessly responding to their drill sergeant. Bruce doesn’t find out this is a thing until theres a big case that requires some of the kids back up the JLA in a mission, but Duke hasnt slept for like three days so when Bruce barks at him to pay attention he snaps upwards like a sleeper agent to rattle off the entire card number by default. the table falls silent. Bruce furrows his brow.

Bruce: …wait. was that my credit card number?

Duke, instantly: im so sorry it was Dick’s fault i promise

Dick: HEY-

Barry: wait that was his credit card-? hey can you say it again-

Oliver: -also the pin,

Bruce: Barry, you know if you need help i am happy to-

Bruce, abruptly changing tune the second Oliver opened his mouth: -YOU can shut the fuck up i know exactly how much is in your bank right now-

Oliver: HEY I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS-

You have something that belongs to me.

The world was shaking within a void of Glowing Green as the Justice League was listening on what John was explaining that the Infinite King that supposedly is a Protector has been gone off the rails in straight panic for the past 4 months straight because something very life or very death Important was taken from him and he been on a rampaging hunt throughout the multiverses, literally tearing and reforming them as he went, as John described the tip from Deadman.

Unfortunately, what was important to the Infinite King is on this earth. John immediately cut off Bruce as trying to fight him all together even with Superman that Infinite King would easily squish Superman like a mosquito with only just a tiny breath.

Just let the Infinite King find what he is looking for and pray that it is safely unharmed so we may survive afterward.

That was 3 hours ago after Batman went back to gotham, as Batman stared in horror of a larger then Life elderitch being had both of his arms deep in Jason's chest.

"You have something that belongs to me." The Infinite King hissed.

Just hearing the hitched Gasp in Jason's voice was reeling in the terrible flashback of that night that triggered his fight instinct, only for the very shadows seemingly holding him back by literally force.

Only for the Infinite King to pull out a tiny lararus Pit coated goopey naked 4 year old girl sobbing out daddy with her arms stretched out, doing tiny gimme hands toward the king.

"Oh Ellen..."

Jason's body was seemingly unharmed, beside the raspy breathing that was slowly developing into a hyperventilating hysteria after being chased like a hunted rabbit from a savage starving wolf for three hours straight by this elderitch being in Crime Ally.

The Large humaniod Elderitch being with several glowing green eyes that was a nightmare fuel, mixes together with stars, galaxies, and secrets untold slowly shrank more and more becoming more human in a gruesome fascinating way that would Haunt Bruce's nightmares for years to come.

the Infinite King was now a Teenager with glowing white hair defying gravity, tanned star coated skin, large teaey icy blue eyes in a black winter suit with a DP symbol delicate, holding the whimpering little goopey girl close to his chest, covering her with a star covered cape now blanket as he kissed her forehead looking at Jason.

"Jason Peter Todd, I am sincerely thank you for letting my daughter possess your core after she accidentally went off on her own and accidentally dipped into the deep end up Tainted Ecto portals. Your core will be healing in a few months after Ellen had kept using yours to save her own destabilizing."

"I must go now before she began to destabilize more, but here is my contact ritual." The infinite King disappeared into a clearer glowing green lararus Pit portal after a good bow, leaving behind a note on Jason's lap.

The coms were suddenly back on as Tim's voice could be heard.

"So the reason why Jason was all Trigger gun happy was cause he was accidentally pregnant with the infinite king's daughter?"