Lalectoracaimitena - La Lectora Caimiteña

Jean Paul Gaultier Spring 2007

Wow... It's 7 am... I don't think I needed this.

If zombies were real, you wouldn't first be warned by the approaching horde by their smell, by their groans, not even a cloud of smoke of the dust they raise coming closer from the horizon. It would be the flies. Hordes and hordes of insects, corpse-flies laying eggs on the carcasses of people who still walk, eating the eyeballs from their sockets, climbing across their unfeeling leathery skin. And the buzzing. The inescapable, deafening buzzing. Everywhere. Like you did not just kick a hornet's nest, but the very ground you walk on was a hornet nest, and each step caused another explosion of insects.

Insects, corpse flies, the buzzing. Their swarms blacken the skies, more horrifying than their migrating meals. The deafening cacophony of constant buzzing, the horrid noise of the living who feast on the dead who feast on the living. The buzzing.

The endless, inescapable buzzing.

Water goblin

I'm dying to read books with the love of my life in total silence with our feet tangled up.

Lost my job and I can't help feel a tiny bit of joy.

Like, yes, I'm worried about what the future will bring and the challenges that will come with that.

But... Guys... I suddenly have time to be a person. Of course, I'll be filling out applications and walking to stores to check and apply to job openings.

But that also means, that I have time to read, watch a movie or show, go to the beach or river, take long walks in the park with my dog, etc., ect., ect.

I've been working like a crazy person for 11 years. Barley taking vacations or being able to live experiences that I want. I dragged my ass to work while being so sick that I was barely breathing. So depressed that I had to seek help because I was unsafe for myself and others.

This moment, this situation that has me in tears, suddenly feels like the most liberating thing I've ever experienced.

I should be scared. I should be horribly terrified. But I just feel... Relief. I can breathe. I... I feel like I can start over.

Maybe these feelings will change quickly. They might turn into terror at the end of the month. But... I want to sit with this for a bit. I want to dream of a life in which I'm not struggling to exist...

Is this what I needed to redirect my life again... This time for the better?