C1 F2 R2 Z1

why do wizards and mages and shit in stuff always have to use a fucking stick or staff to do magic. what’s so special about a gotdamn tree bone

Mercy 

(as per my Chain OCs post a while back)

A long-ish rant about deities in D&D

One thing that always bothered me about the various deities in D&D that there is almost no myth attached to them. The deities of D&D are a bit too understandable and logical. They’re just high level characters who also picked up the ability to grant divine spells because reasons I guess, with motivations and interests in the real world, but no myth attached to them.

Which is kinda boring, because myth is so important in religion. When you read about the shit that Mystra or Kelemvor or Cyric did during the Time of Troubles, it’s just that, shit they did, with 100% real and observable consequences, mostly in the way of eating other deities’ portfolios or shifting around the seating order in the pantheon or something, but no mythic resonance to it.

I always liked the sort of idea that deities exist on a level that is not entirely literal and heavily couched in metaphor, and that events in the real world are reflections of what happens on the divine level and vice versa.

Like, on the material plane some people just slowly adopted an agrarian way of life replacing their previous hunter-gatherer lifestyle giving rise to the establishment of the very first cities, which also lead to a shift in religious practice away from the gods of nature and towards gods that had more relevance to life within a city, but on the divine plane it was a full-on war with the gods of nature and the new-fangled city gods duking it out, and both of these are true.

Maybe on the material plane there never was a time when death didn’t exist and people were immortal so the gods had to kill the deity of life to stop more immortal people being born as a consequence of which death was first introduced into the world, but like, that literally happened in the divine realm! Or, like, literally in a metaphorical sense, because as I said the divine realm is all about metaphor.

And like maybe you rarely see the sun and the moon in the sky at the same time because the goddess of the moon is awfully shy and the goddess of the sun is constantly trying to find her because THEY SHOULD BE GIRLFRIENDS

Since y’all enjoyed the warlock post I thought I’d give the same treatment to my second favorite class: the druid! The flavor of it is absolutely great and wild shaping? Amazing!

Want to be a travelling Johnny Appleseed type character that spreads the seeds of a near extinct plant?

Want to be a lycanthrope who tried communing with nature to better control their beastly nature?

Want to have been trapped within an plane of elemental chaos forcing you to familiarize yourself with the elemental forces to survive?

Want to be a traveler from a far off land with the ability to transform into strange and exotic creatures?

Want to have the spirit of some great wolf that you regretfully killed inhabit your body, pushing you to protect the wilderness it once roamed?

Want to be a gardener whose touch soothes and guides plants?

Want to be the verdant guardian of a sprawling city’s only patch of green?

Want to feel the background noise of the earth in the very depths of your bones, and channel that living sound into playing an instrument you grew and shaped from a tree?

Want to be the only surviving member of a druid circle whose forest was destroyed in some cataclysm that you seek to warn other druid circles of?

Druid! Druid! Druid!

I have become obsessed with long term nuclear waste disposal warnings

When you learned of the god of war, you thought he’d be tall and muscular and angry. When you were about to meet him, you braced yourself for the worst.

You weren’t quite expecting the short, scrawny, shy kid you ended up getting instead.

D&D classes as john mulaney quotes

Barbarian - *smashes a 40 on the ground and yells* SCATTER!

Bard - the entire salt and pepper diner story.

Cleric - You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.

Druid - Aaah! One feels like a duck splashing around in all this wet! And when one feels like a duck, one is happy!

Monk - I’ll just keep all my emotions right here and then one day, i’ll die.

Paladin - for those of you who aren’t catholic, I don’t mean to exclude you (even though we looove to exclude you)…

Ranger - everybody get out of my way. I just wanna sit here and feed my birds.

Sorcerer - this might as well happen. adult life is already so goddamn weird.

Rogue - Stop snitchin’, motherfucker.

Fighter - sometimes babies will point at me, and I don’t care for that shit at all.

Warlock - FUCK DA POLICE!

Wizard - I’m either having a drink or I have to pee. You’re living the golden years kid, not me.

I laughed way too hard at this

Another Helltrooper (last from me i promise)

Mark (not his real name)

a new recruit, a Riojan man with messy short-ish black hair and a close cropped beard, seems to be in his late 30s. He is an excellent archer and not bad swordsman either. He loves to play cards and other gambling games with the rest of the helltroopers (though he mostly loses); though hes a pretty calm guy and takes his losses in stride. He spends a lot of time learning and practicing chain sign, and seems to be picking it up quickly. He can read pretty well although he mostly cares about books on Caelian engineering, architecture, and warfare. It’s clear to the other members that he has served in some military capacity previously based on how he carries himself (and sometimes slips up and give the Riojan salute) but never brings it up-that life is gone now. He doesn’t talk much outside of the increasingly frequent use of chain sign and other simple gestures and emoting.

Hes joined up with a mercenary company because part of him missed service and the opportunity for gold; and the chain specifically because chain sign and the chronicle were a great interest to him.

Were he to be a player character he would be a human fighter (probably battlemaster) with the solider background