Okay, But I Can’t Help But Be Bewildered By All Of These People Who Think That Malenia Would Deliberately

Okay, but I can’t help but be bewildered by all of these people who think that Malenia would deliberately hunt down Radahn for some slight or because of sibling rivalry when she is one of the most passive, chill characters in Sekiroulsborne Ring history. I’m not even joking. You find the woman taking the longest depression nap ever and she only fights you because you’re invading her and her brother’s sanctuary. She only smacked the shit out of Godrick because he insulted her and then probably immediately curled up like a ball and whined like a weenus at her feet after she punched him in the nose. You hear all about Miquella’s designs to become a full god and to actually use his Empyrean-ness for something, but never a mention of Malenia’s other than ‘well she’s an Empyrean, too’. Like, she just has. No fucking designs to go change the world on her own. She’s more than happy to be her brother’s blade. Malenia’s a reactive character. She kind of passive. And that’s fucking great. I actually really love that, because not everyone has to be a protagonist, and you don’t have to be a protagonist to be a badass or change the world. Hidetaka Miyazaki and GRRM could descend from the heavens right now and tell me that it’s canon that Malenia sought out Radahn on entirely her own volition and I would call bullshit. You could hold a gun to my head and I would still refuse to believe that anything but a direct or active threat to her brother’s and/or the Haligtree’s safety would have driven her all the way from the fucking Consecrated Snowfield to Caelid.

Miquella is the chessmaster and Malenia just loves him and is happy to be here. Her three main interests are her brother, swordplay, and women, probably in that order. Miquella probably rants and raves about the injustice in the world and how much their parents suck and Malenia just smiles and nods along in complete agreement and wow, isn’t her brother the best? She loves him so much. He’s gonna be such a good full god one day and she’s gonna help him get there. What? Her own candidacy to godhood? Who cares–have you seen how awesome her big brother is? He is tiny but full of rage and hope and she loves him so much. Get out of my face before I snap your spine over my leg, Godrick.

Like, I keep having this image in my head of a meeting between the demigods following the Shattering, and it’s Morgott, Mohg, Radahn, Rykard, and Godrick all standing in a circle and screaming at each other (like they’ve probably been doing for the past two hours). Meanwhile Miquella is sitting in Malenia’s lap, reading a book and quietly planning his own overthrow of the status quo and future socialist empire, while Malenia’s just braiding his hair and yawning. Like, god, she could be helping her brother liberate the albinaurics or making out with Finlay right now. This is why they left Leyndell with a fucking sapling in a pot 1,000+ years ago and only go home for holidays.

Eventually she gets done with braiding and they’re still yelling, so Miquella just starts reading aloud and she hangs onto every word. Another hour passes and Miquella says he’s bored and that he wants to go to the fantasy version of Chuck E’ Cheeses instead, and Malenia just scoops him up under one arm and walks out. Radahn tries to stop her and she snaps his wrist without looking. They get fantasy pizza and come back to the meeting three hours later. Malenia won Miquella a giant stuffed butterfly in a ring toss game and swung by Caria Manor to give Ranni the leftover pizza before coming back. They’re still screaming aside from Morgott, who’s huddled in the corner crying. Malenia still does not care but does poke out Mohg’s one remaining eye when she catches him leering at Miquella. They decide to just go back to the Haligtree and it’s noon the next day before the rest of the family realizes they haven’t shown up for lunch.

Look, my point is that Malenia could not have been assed to deal with Radahn on normal circumstances, but he probably was talking shit about invading the Haligtree or making Miquella his political god-consort to his future ‘Elden Lord’,  and she just got the lesbian army assembled and was all ‘FUCK THIS GUY IN PARTICULAR’ all the way to Caelid.