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Thursday, the 3rd of November

I woke up before my alarm tonight, spending the additional time with my dog thinking about what I liked and didn't like about yesterday's mental health day. Yes, I got some much needed sleep but although I sketched a little, ate healthy and took it slow I was disappointed. Why did I not use that time I took for myself to read, to create, to go for an actual hike? I felt paralysed in my freedom - I spent hours feeding my head with things I don't care about at all. I don't know whether it was out of fatigue, convenience or being overwhelmed by my schedule. Whatever was the root it gave me a glimpse into a time that I never want to experience again. So today I will start small. Putting only three things on my to-do list and doing self care based on necessity, not my planning.

Studying

Mediävistik lecture

Library visit

Read Obasan

Please help my father pay for cancer treatment.

Hey y’ all

I hate to ask, but recently my father was diagnosed with cancer. We are so thankful it’s treatable, but even with decent health insurance, the bills are adding up fast. 

Furthermore, my father is the primary caretaker for my younger brother, who has significant disabilities and health issues of his own. As a result. any help that can be given won’t just cover the cost of cancer care, it will ensure that my brother’s health and safety needs will be covered as well. 

For personal safety reasons, I do not have a large social media presence. Even if you are not in a position to donate, please share this post so that it reaches as many people as possible. I am so incredibly grateful for any dollar amount given and any share across any platform. Every little bit will help. 

https://www.gofundme.com/help-a-father-fight-cancer

when i see people the same age as me i go like :0 when i see people younger than me i go hmmmmm 🤨 but when people are older than me it's normal

May 3rd 2017 // Master’s thesis research.

When I was 13 years old and curious about sex and love, I asked my mom if she had had sex before marrying my father (of whom she is still married to, and has been since before I was born). She said that that wasn’t really a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question. I said ‘sure it is, you’ve either had sex before him, or you haven’t’. She brought me onto the couch and sat me down and told me about the boy she liked when she was young and how one night she snuck into his house while his parents were gone and they were kissing and he said they should have sex and she said that she wanted to save sex for marriage and he laughed and basically took all her clothes off and he raped her and as my mom was telling the story she cried and this was the second time I had ever seen my mom cry. She was 12 when it happened.

In grade 8 I got a call from my friend in the middle of the night and she was drunk in the park crying and told me that she went out that night with some other friends and they drank a little and her guy “friend” starting flirting and yes she laughed at first but then he tried to pull her shirt over her head and she pulled away and he ripped her shirt and it was her favourite shirt and then he pushed her to her knees and HIS BEST FRIEND HELD HER JAW OPEN WHILE HE FACE FUCKED HER. And so I went to the park and picked her up and took her home and slept in her bed with her except we didn’t sleep because she just cried and her mouth bled and this was four years ago but I still have to be the one to bring her items to the till it the cashier is a man, and she still has anxiety attacks and she’ll get a rash all over her body and I just want to kill those boys but instead they are still walking around. And I’m in the bathroom with her, dabbing at her skin with a warm cloth until it returns to its regular colour.

And in grade 9 one of my closest friends was kinda seeing this boy and so they hung out one night and then she said that she really had to be getting back home and he said that she wasn’t going anywhere until she gave him what he wanted and he parked the car and took off her clothes and she said no and he ignored her and so she laid in the backseat totally limp and just cried and it wasn’t even sex, he just masterbated by using her body instead of his hand and she came to school the next day with vodka in her water bottle and she drank all day and I had to fight her to get the alcohol away from her and she just cried and threw up and I skipped class while I held her hair back and that same boy texted me a month later, asking if I ever wanted to hangout sometime.

And in that same year my very best friend who has never even kissed a boy, confessed to me that when she was 9 years old, her 12 year old cousin made her give him a hand job and he told her that was what cousins do and he gave her a chocolate bar afterwards and she told me that he probably doesn’t even remember it but that it’s something that she’ll never have the luxury of forgetting.

And in grade 10 I knew a girl who invited her best friend over to watch Disney movies and then he started to put his hands down her pants and she said no but she is 130lbs and he is 220lbs and he called her a tease while she tried to fight him but he used one hand to hold her down, and the other to put inside of her and i was the one to push her inside of a classroom and stand in front of her while calling the police when he showed up at our school looking for her and she was so damn scared.

And a few months later I skipped class and was in the car with a guy who i had had unprotected sex with in the past while under the influence of cocaine but this time I was sober and I insisted we use a condom but he told me he couldn’t feel anything while the condom was on so he ripped it off and I said I refused to have unprotected sex again and so he just grabbed me and forced himself into my mouth and I was crying and he pulled me onto him and I just came saying “stop” over and over like a broken record but he must’ve heard something different because he went until he came and I just sat naked in the backseat while he drove me back to the school and said “we should do this again sometime”. And I had five showers that night and I scratched at my skin so hard to try and rip his fingerprints off of me, I still have the scars.

And I found out soon afterwards that that same guy had raped a classmate of mine, 5 months earlier and she told me about how he brought her McDonald’s first, and how he said they could take things slow and she told me about how he didn’t listen to her either. And he goes to our school and so after she told me about her incident and I told her about mine, we decided to report it to the police and the trial is currently still going on and he told people about it, except in his version we are just “asking for attention” and all his friends talk about how bad they feel for him. As if HE is the one that still wakes up screaming. As if HE felt like his skin no longer was beautiful, no longer belonged to him. And I held her in my arms as she bawled after giving the police her statement. And she did the same for me.

And I met a woman a year ago in a paint store and she had a service dog and I asked what the dog was for and it turns out that she had been so brutally raped and abused in her life, that the dog is literally trained to keep men away from her.

And I’m so FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF THIS WORLD WE ARE LIVING IN. How many rape victims eyes have I already looked into? How many more will I? And how many more friends will I hold while they shake? Because I don’t know how many more I can take. And who the fuck still has the nerve to make rape jokes? And… Something just has to change. Please, someone just start being that change.

-16 year old girl

y’all, i know most mommy bloggers are usually absolutely vile, and the “wine o’clock” culture is so annoying, but really think about it: why don’t we talk about how alarming it is that mothers feel the need to constantly talk about wine, drink wine, buy trinkets that have quirky sayings about wine, and yet no one is concerned that maybe patriarchal marriage structures are contributing to alcoholism in women? why is it that, if a mommy blogger says she takes shots of tequila to get through her day it would be alarming, but having a wine tumbler that says “mommy juice” or “i wine because my kids whine” (a real thing i have seen online for purchase) isn’t… scary?

i just think we need to have conversations about how the structure of modern motherhood and marriage is maybe super harmful for women? and maybe one solution is to normalize men taking more responsibility in the home and as parents. this goes along with useless husband “jokes” where women chuckle over a bottle or two of wine (!!!) about how their husbands are so clueless and helpless. normalize husbands doing the cooking and dishes. normalize husbands taking part time work in order to care for the kids. it’s not about shifting power from husband to wife, it’s about deconstructing the need for power in the first place.

Learning a new language is like downloading an expansion pack to your brain that allows you to interact with new characters from different lands.

Mars in Astrology

The God of War in Roman mythology went by mars.  Second in power to the one and only Jupiter. Many of the myths surrounding Mars tie in with the Greek’s own warrior, Ares. Mars, however, was much more impulsive and aggressive than Ares. Mars was also viewed as more noble and virtuous than his Greek counterpart because he was the defender of Rome and the city’s borders. In astrology, if Venus is your femininity, then Mars would be your masculinity. Venus is the cooperative part of yourself that makes people want to like you. She’s charismatic, charming, and knows how to win people over. Mars, on the other hand, is that part of you that drives you to fight and protect. He’s aggressive, impolite, defensive, and intimidating. Mars represents your drive, anger, motivation, and how you defend yourself. Mars shows how you go out and chase down what you want. He’s motivated, always productive, moving forward. Venus is harmonious. Mars is destructive. Venus pleases others, Mars pleases himself above all else, therefore, this is where our violent tempers and selfish behaviors come from. Venus knows how to say things to win people over, painting her words wisely so that everything comes out sounding charming and considerate. Everything Mars says, on the other hand, comes out blunt, on the spot, and can be rude and inconsiderate. Does Mars care? No. Mars is ruled jointly by Aries and Scorpio, being exalted in Capricorn. He’s in detriment in Taurus and Libra, and then falling in Cancer.

The glyph we use for Mars (♂) is the alchemy symbol for iron, but it’s better known as the symbol for males. It’s a combination of an arrow atop a circle, symbolizing someone being driven forwards towards their desire. It’s speculated to depict both a phallic symbol and a violent one.

Rulership/Exaltation/Detriment/Fall

Mars is ruled by Aries and Scorpio combined. Aries is the warrior, making Scorpio the assassin. Aries represents the tactless, explosive half of Mars. Aries is the half of Mars that destroys cities and countries at the snap of a finger. Impulsive, aggressive, and angry, Aries takes thrill in fighting and battles. When Aries is mad, you know. Aries makes their intentions known and handles it promptly. Scorpio, on the other hand, is more tactful and secretive; the silent killer. You never really know where you stand with Scorpio. They hide how they’re really feeling until they’ve truly planned out how they’re going to strike, and then, look out, because when they sting you, it’s hard to recover. Both of these signs radiate a lot of yang-energy. They’re both driven, ambitious, dominant, aggressive, and intimidating. Capricorn is where Mars is exalted, something that’s often forgotten. Capricorn isn’t necessarily outwardly aggressive, but the sign entirely encompasses drive in and of itself. Capricorn is truly a goat, always climbing up the mountain, never stopping, always trying to succeed and do better. Capricorn is the part of Mars that will trample over someone else just for their own success.

Taurus and Libra are where the God of War is weakened and lost. His yang-energy become suppressed and overwhelmed by the submissive yin-energy of these two signs. Libra is too worried about what other people think of them to call people out, afraid of making a scene. Libra is also very independent and needs to learn and practice independence. Libra also tries to rationalize everything and make excuses for even the most inexcusable things. Taurus, on the other hand, is driven but is very reluctant to change and is very stubborn. They don’t really have angry outbursts; they just prefer to keep everything inside until they explode. Both need to prioritize their own sanity before that of everyone else. Cancer is where Mars has fallen. Cancer’s nature is nurturing and connecting. Mars’ nature is to destroy and burn bridges. When Mars is in Cancer, we see civil wars and dysfunctional families. I kind of envision this placement trying to cook something and burning the entire house down because they were impatient and wanted to speed up the process.

Astrological Meaning

I mentioned earlier in the article that if Venus is your femininity, then Mars would be your masculinity. Venus wants people to like her. Mars doesn’t care who does or doesn’t like him. He is a warrior through and through. Astrologically, Mars represents how you chase after what you want. Mars is very self-oriented, in opposition to Venus’ relationship-oriented nature. Venus shows how you attract; Mars shows how you fight for what you want. Mars represents your temper, your desire, and your motivation. Mars shows how you please yourself, but it’s different from self-care. Mars shows how you find personal power within yourself and use it to conquer whatever obstacles you may encounter. However, it’s literally infamous at this point that when you set boundaries with people, they often cause conflict. Where Mars lies in your natal chart is where conflict erupts. At Mars’ core, the planet represents who you become when you free yourself of the constriction of societal pressure and are yourself, regardless of if people like it or not. Mars is blunt, straightforward, and doesn’t give a damn what people think. He doesn’t care if he comes off as inconsiderate, he just says it and moves on. Mars is also the embodiment of a competitive spirit. When you channel Mars energy in conflict, you use your words or your fists to rip someone apart and tear their ego limb from limb. When and how you release all of this aggressive energy is entirely dependent upon your sign and the house placement.

A healthy Mars is brave, confident, outspoken, and chooses battles wisely. When Mars is in balance, you think before you speak. You recognize the weight of your words and actions, as well as the possibility of saying or doing something that’s irreversible and unforgivable. You fight for what you believe in and you have the courage to defend yourself and others against opponents and tyrants. You use Mars to survive and keep moving every day. If you think about it, just taking the first step to get out of bed every morning is Mars energy in a simplistic form. We use Mars to wage wars, fight for our rights, climb the corporate ladder, and defeat tyrannical overlords. However, because his energy is so powerful, and humans naturally crave power, it’s easy to overdose on. With Mars comes the urge to overbear, destroy, and dominate everything around you.

When Mars is too prominent in your chart, you’re hyper-masculine (regardless of gender), and you become entitled, selfish, and rude. You’re overwhelming to be around and erratic. You lack self-control because you’re so numb to everybody else’s feelings. It’s one thing to not care what other people think, but it’s another thing to just be plain old rude and insensitive for the hell of it. When Mars is overly rampant in your chart, you’re impulsive and jump onto every whim that stirs up even a tiny bit of excitement. You don’t care about how your actions affect everybody else. You’re also probably violent and will fight just to show your power over everyone else. You scare people just because feeling like you have power over people fills a void. When Mars is too heavy in your chart, you become a bully.

When Mars is too weak in your chart, you’re cowardly and insecure. You become a doormat for everyone to just trample over. You have no drive, no motivation, and no boundaries. You don’t know how to call people out when they’re abusing their power, and you don’t want to because you don’t want to rock the boat. You lie awake at night, fearful of what other people think of you. You need to become more self-assured and recognize your own personal power. When your power is stripped away from you, you’re likely to become bitter and resentful, and still end up lashing out on other people as an overcompensation for how lost you feel. Neither Mars extreme is good for anyone.

Correspondences:

Signs: Aries, Scorpio

Color: Red

Crystals: Red Jasper, Bloodstone, Ruby, Garnet

Element: Fire

Day of The Week: Tuesday

Deities: Mars, Ares, Odin

Mars Throughout the Signs

Aries: goes after something regardless of if they can actually have it or not, believes in themselves very heavily, very confident, other people’s doubts in their ability don’t affect them, challenges are dealt with promptly, doesn’t appreciate authority figures, impatient, selfish, volcanic, independent

Taurus: hard-working, dependable, takes their time, like a bull when angry, admirable work ethic, strong willpower, stubborn, committed to any task, accomplishes more than anybody who’s more fast-paced, often gets too comfortable, passive, doesn’t know how to handle obstacles, no stranger to burnout, doesn’t give themselves a break

Gemini: gets distracted very easily, fickle, easily bored, the attention span of a horsefly, chases too many things at once, scattered, erratic, very intelligent, excellent problem solver, a master of manipulation, runs the risk of being a compulsive liar

Cancer: doesn’t really try to go after or control anything directly, tackles things indirectly, passive, tenacious, knows their goals, uses subtle manipulation, guilt tripping extraordinare, anger comes in waves until it transforms into a huge tsunami, very scary when angered

Leo: loud, assertive, dramatic, a force to be reckoned with, fierce, a natural born leader, knows how to rally people around them, constant need to be in the spotlight, will be the loudest and most known in a revolution, hungry for power, when insecure they may pick fights or arguments just for the sake of having attention and being self-righteous, desires public adoration

Virgo: very hard-working, excellent planners, perfectionist attitude, never satisfied, always beating themselves up, constantly worried about how they could’ve done things better, you’d never know about their self-doubt because they want to be seen as responsible and composed, often finds petty crusades to complain about, annoyed easily, nitpicky

Libra: always trying to find a peaceful resolution, constantly saying that they understand both sides of the situation, oftentimes become monkey in the middle, wants all parties to walk away happy, doesn’t want to put themselves first, hates conflict, strong desire for justice, love to argue and debate

Scorpio: understands that you cannot be loud and demanding all the time in pursuit of achievement, is subtle and tactful about their approach to things, cunning, intelligent, manipulative, clever, sly, might view people as pawns in their little game, adept in getting people to do their bidding, probably business people and politicians

Sagittarius: optimistic, can’t stick to goals, starts things with lots of enthusiasm but accomplishes very little because they get bored so easily when things don’t line up with their expectations, impatient, needs self-discipline, needs to plan better, in desperate need of a reality check

Capricorn: so much ambition, wants to be powerful, wants to have everything in their hands, wants to reach the top of the mountain, achieves goals through realism, discipline, commitment, and hard work, doesn’t like authority, wants to be the authority, stressed out, battles with insecurity/anxiety/depression, needs to learn how to steal the spotlight, eyes are always on the prize, doesn’t take the easy way out

Aquarius: disciplined, motivated, hard-working, stubborn, intellectual, comes up with a formula for success and sticks with it, has a bit of a superiority complex, thinks that their way is the best and everybody else needs to comply, chases their dreams with ambition, rebellious and hates authority, needs to open up a door for change to come in

Pisces: manipulative, doesn’t like direct confrontation, tries to drop subtle hints in the face of conflict rather than just spilling their guts, emotionally powerful, ambitious deep down, has huge dreams and grandiose ideals, afraid of failure, master procrastinators

Art by Nada H

22.08.20// I wish I mastered nice aesthetically pleasing writing but unfortunately my writing looks like that of an elementary school child! It’s always been speed over legibility in my life hahaha.

IG: flatneedledistillery