Littlecigs - Out Of Body

The bpd dichotomy of wanting people I like to take pictures of me but also not recognizing myself in them ❤️

I really wish it was socially acceptable to say “I really don’t care” and people would just say oh ok and move onto the next topic in conversation, no hard feelings

I don't think I've ever met someone who feels the kind of bone deep soulless depression I've felt for most of my life. I'm not saying they don't exist, I'm just saying part of me wishes there were someone I could talk to who actually understands how I'm feeling.

But that's selfish of me, right?

I wouldn't wish this on anyone

i feel like i do 25% of what an average person does in a day and still it's too much

me and who

And I missed out on so much of my life because I was living in a constant state of anxiety. And if it wasn't anxiety then it was depression. And if it wasn't depression then it was mania. And I literally can't remember being a child. I can't remember being a person. My whole life looks like this inescapable grey haze and I'm stuck in it. Buried in it. I don't want to fall asleep crying anymore. I don't want nightmare after nightmare. I want to feel safe and comfortable and happy and I am literally incapable of it. And that is so fucking terrifying.

It gets so old watching people have and get the things you so badly want. I just sit there hoping one day, it'll be me. But I've hoped for so long with so little in return that I'm finally starting to realize that it will never be me. I was born with the promise of being pitiful and undeserving.