I Feel So Horrible About Being Some Sort Of Canon Purist Whose Only Loyalty Is To The Source Material

Surely this year, my good friend Jonathan Harker is gonna get the hot girl summer he deserves.

The entirety of Dracula by Bram Stoker is really just:

Dr Seward: I wish we could figure out what’s wrong with Lucy.

Van Helsing: I figured it out immediately but I’m just going to let you solve it yourselves.

Dr Seward: Or you could just tell us.

Van Helsing: Friend John :( I have known you for one thousand years and you have been one of my very good friends and best students :( Do you not trust me? Why do you not trust me, friend John? Have I ever given you a reason to doubt me? Do you not think I have a good reason for withholding vital information? :(:(:(:( Have faith in me, your very old and good friend.

Dr Seward: You’re right :(

Lucy: I love everyone so much and I’m going to tell them every day 🥰💕 also legalise polyamory wtf

Renfield: look at all my pets that I’m definitely not eating 🪰🪰🪰🪰

Dr Seward: What happened to all the birds I gave you?

Renfield, with a mouth full of a feathers: I have no idea.

Arthur: I think… I miss my wife… also how the fuck didn’t we realise Dracula’s house was right next door?

Quincey: I keep saying I’m not that smart but I’m the only one to immediately point out that something was actively taking Lucy’s blood. Brb need to go shoot a giant bat with a gun.

Mina: I am the only person keeping this shit show together. We literally would not have made it without me and no one who adapts my character seems to get that. Women are the heart of this story. I am the glue that binds this group together. I just want ONE MOVIE that understands that and values my intelligence, which is at the forefront of my character.

Renfield: I have an entire character arc but don’t expect any adaptations to show it.

Quincey: ok but what if… we shot Dracula with a gun??? Also stop fucking cutting me from all the adaptations.

Jonathan: has seen indescribable horrors, is a shell of his former self, will literally never be what he was before going to Transylvania

Dracula: oh Jonathan! 🥰🥰🧛🏻🧛🏻🥰🩸🩸🥰🥰

BONUS: everyone is constantly holding hands, especially all of the men, and talking about how they’re going to be best friends forever. The male friendships in this book are shockingly pure and the women are incredible. The Crew of Light are actually the only found family ever, I think.

I’m sat drunk in the beer garden of a rock bar and some chick is happily explaining that “So Jonathan Harker goes to this castle in Transylvania and he doesn’t know he’s in Dracula, right” to a guy who seems totally enthralled and I wish them nothing but the best

"Mina is Dracula's long lost lover and Van Helsing is his archnemesis" shut the fuck up it's the exact opposite of this

safe travels! my friend Jonathan is going on a business trip (again?)

the harkers

Hey uh @re-dracula what the FUCK was up with the pro-Trump commercial I just heard at the beginning of an episode??! Do you all pick your commercials or are they out of your control?

“Under President Biden costs skyrocketed” um actually shut the fuck ALL the way up right now. Trump is literally adding extra taxes to every item just for fun.

Mina, my beloved, is back!

Mina, clever, brave, extraordinary Mina. Tech obsessed Mina. Record keeper Mina. Demands to be part of it all, not left to the side to be rescued Mina. Unholiest love Mina, adored by all but especially Jonathan. Devoted best friend even beyond death. Train fiend Mina. Absolutely prepared to work if her husband can never recover and support him despite living in an era when women just did not do that. Mina, who has the courage and strength of will not only to tell Dracula to fuck off but fucking use the psychic connection he established to hunt him. Mina who never NEVER had any mind of secret love forbidden romance thing with the Count.

the offseason’s coming to a close, dracula be upon ye

New Dracula stage play.

Cynthia Erivo as 23 characters.

Sounds grea--

*sigh*