Mmm WIP

Toddler Damian if he grew up with Bruce will constantly be put in air jail.

Running through the halls and knocking things over? Air jail but if it's Alfred he hooks him onto a coat rack.

Almost launches himself into the abyss of the Batcave? Air jail but jason swings him around.

Escapes into the chimpanzee exhibit at the zoo? Air jail by Bruce and they go home early.

It's so cute because toddlers in air jail kick their little feet petulantly and I imagine Damian twisting around really violently in air jail.

Stupid headcanon based on myself

Peters phone dings and he asked Tony to read the text for him

Tony confused: "who is 'big balls man'???"

Peter casually: "oh that's Ned"

Tony: "what the- 'autistic weed dealer'?? Who tf-?"

Peter: "that's MJ"

Tony blinking confused: "istg if you named Romanoff 'mommy'-"

Peter: "no that's loki- Ms Romanoff is 'terrifier 3'"

Tony:

Peter:

Tony: "what the fuck are these names kid-?? WHO IS 'INTERGALACTIC CUMSOCK'!?"

Peter: "that's Thor"

Tony: "WHAT'S MY NAME??"

Peter: "just Mr stark with the chair emoji"

Tony:

Peter:

Tony offended: "that is so not fair-"

may contain spoilers for batman ninja vs. yakuza league

pls do not proceed if you don't like spoilers

cue me pointing at the screen every 5 minutes and screeching babiaaaaannnnn

HE SET IT AS HIS LOCK SCREEN OMG

family bonding 💗 then ra's put him in a horse plinko type of cage for the sin of liking california rolls

hiya batman 666 💖

routine laboratory activity!

Tim, after a long patrol, collapses onto the couch and ends up falling mostly on Dick

Jason, in a lightly mocking tone Awww, look at the sleepy baby

Dick humms and shifts, trying to get more comfortable with the extra weight

Jason grins, sees the opportunity to annoy Dick, and leans on Tim to put more pressure on Dick, stretching widely, I’m so tiiiired

Dick too tried to realize Jason is being a brat, starts patting Jason’s hair Me too man, me too

Jason who is also exhausted from patrol feels his eyelids start to droop, begins to doze on Tim unwittingly

Tim is completely unaware

Tim later wakes up trapped not only between Dick and Jason but all their other siblings have joined the pile in some way

Tim glances sideways and sees Bruce sitting in a chair

Bruce, not looking up, Alfred has already sent the photos to Barbara

Tim huffs then goes back to sleep, knowing attempting escape is futile

Bruce once made an offhand comment about how no one wears watches anymore because they all use their phones to tell time

The next day Tim buys a smartwatch

Dick straps the hourglass he got from the dentist onto his wrist

Damian carries a bunch of candlesticks with nails in them and lights one whenever he needs a timer

Jason lugs around two industrial buckets of water to make a water clock

Steph gets an antique pocketwatch but it's carried around by a personal assistant that's coming out of Bruce's budget

Barbara buys a classroom clock and keeps it in her wheelchair pocket

Cass stands in a well-lit area and checks her shadow

Duke unearths a fifty-pound sundial and names it Duke II

Bruce no longer comments on Gen Z

Peter is banned from playing Scrabble with Bruce because he keeps using obscure science terms and winning. Tony refuses to play Monopoly with him after Peter “bankrupted” him in under 30 minutes. However, Peter and Natasha make an unbeatable team at Pictionary.

Talia: Okay, if I had Damian in the spring and it’s winter now… I forgot his birthday, didn’t I?

Harley (holding a teacup): Yeah, he said he’s used to it.

Talia (panicked): Oh my God! Quick, what do boys like? Fisher-Price is still a thing, right?

Harley (flatly): Tali, he turned twelve.

Talia (lamenting): I thought he was nine! Okay, I can work with this. I’ll call Bruce—no, no, he’ll be upset that I forgot his birthday and think I don’t care. But I do care! He’s my tifl. I spent thirty-six hours pushing him out of my body! My mind just gets foggy at times.

Harley: Talia.

Talia: If I had remembered, trust me, I’d throw him a party! Plus, I’m a busy woman. I am a businesswoman before I’m a fighter. That’s not me excusing my actions, though. Don’t say it is!

Harley (repeating herself): Talia?

Talia: I need to give him something good—

Harley (raising her voice): TALIA!

Talia (annoyed): What?!

Harley (passing Talia her phone, which is open to the Amazon app): What you see is his wishlist. That’s the stuff he wants as gifts. You don’t have to buy everything, just one or two items.

Talia: Oh bless you, Harley! Huh, he has a lot of books in here. I shall buy them all!

Talia pulled out her phone and began adding every book she saw on his wishlist to her Amazon cart. Harley shrugged, sipping her tea.

Two weeks later, Damian received numerous packages from Amazon filled with the books he had been hoping to get. He blinked, unsure of how to react. But what stood out the most was that Talia had also bought him the ship Lego set he wanted.

Damian: Hm… She really went through my wishlist for this. If she got the notification that the packages were delivered, she should be calling any second now.

His phone rang two seconds later, right on cue. He answered with reluctance.

Damian: Don't speak yet. I just wanted to say thank you for the gifts. Now you can react.

Talia (sweetly): I get you the best because you’re my precious twelve-year-old, and I knew you turned that age, but it’s been crazy busy dealing with business and my father.

Ra's: Hey!

Damian (small smile): Mm-hm, thanks anyways, Mother. I… love you.

Talia: I love you too!