House Would Have Figured Out What’s Wrong With Will Graham After Nearly Killing Him And Would Have

Dont come to New Jersey. Just don’t.

tfw ur uhhh """"partner""" uno reverses your kabedon

Vicki Vale: Mr. Wayne are you Batman?

Bruce Wayne: What is a “Bat man?”

—

Vicki Vale: Mr. Drake are you Red Robin?

Tim Drake: Like the restaurant?

—

Vicki Vale: So Cassandra, are you Orphan?

Cassandra Cain: No I’m not an orphan. I have a dad.

—

Vicki Vale: Mr. Thomas are you Signal?

Duke Thomas: Am I what?

Vicki Vale: Are you the Bat Signal?

Duke Thomas: That is the stupidest question I’ve ever been asked.

—

Vicki Vale: Damian, are you Robin?

Damian Wayne: Tt, I am not a bird. Are you well, Ms. Vale? I’m concerned for your mental state.

they liked this on twitter im thinking you would too

Love the idea of the Batfamily showing a serious, united front whenever they’re working with the Justice League (i.e., obeying Bruce’s orders without question or defaulting to Dick’s authority, following Bruce’s comm protocol, upholding expected field etiquette, coordinating with one another with terrifying efficiency, and generally just not fucking around), but then the minute they get back to the Cave they immediately start to throw hands over who gets to use the PS5.

Batman has to constantly remind them he's not going down with the sinking ship when it's not his fault

Superman: Yeah, so we're turning ourselves into the government. Do you want to meet us there, or should we meet with you?

Batman: …

Wonder Woman: Batman, we're on a time crunch. Just give us your answer.

Batman (while driving, hesitating): First, I'm fine, thank you. How are you? Second, my son, who is in the car with me, is also fine… thankfully. Third, are you on crack?

Superman: I… We as a team voted that it's best if we turn ourselves into the government.

Batman (flatly): That's a decision you made. You guys have fun with it. Can I go now?

Wonder Woman: You’re part of the team! You have to turn yourself in!

Batman: Says who?

Wonder Woman: We decided as a team!

Batman: Yes, good for you. Why am I being dragged into this?

Wonder Woman and Superman: YOU ARE PART OF THIS TEAM!

Damian (in the background): Father, can we get McFlurrys later?

Batman (to Damian): Why do people eat those? They taste disgusting.

Damian: You have to get the one with the Oreos.

Superman: We’re still on the call!

Batman (annoyed): Right, not going in. Bye.

Wonder Woman: Don’t end the call! You have to hear us out.

Batman: I should just hang up, but I’m bored and need something entertaining to listen to. Proceed.

Flash (speaking first): Take one for the team, Bruce.

Batman: Okay, first, when I'm on a call with any of you, call me by my hero name. Commissioner Gordon can get away with that, but I’m not on that level with most of you. Second, I’m not on this team if you want me to do this ridiculousness. Third, seriously, are you on crack?

Green Arrow (in the background): Thank you for not saying heroin.

Damian (in the background): Father, why do they think you’re dumb?

Batman: Because they’re not very smart.

Green Arrow (expecting this): It’s amazing how badly this is going. I told you guys he’d say no, but nobody listens to me.

Batman: This is one of the rare times I agree with Arrow. I didn't sign up for a team where we all turn ourselves in for something I didn’t do.

Superman: It’s a team decision.

Batman: I don’t care.

Superman: But it’s for solidarity.

Batman: That I don’t care about.

Superman: Again, we’re a hero team. We’ve saved the world together; can’t you do this one little thing?

Green Lantern (Hal): And his response is…

Batman: Fighting villains, I enjoy. I wouldn’t be on a sports team, a firefighter team, or a doctor team with you if you're going to be this dense, and I sure as hell won't be on this team if you want me to do something this stupid. Is the brain cell you share gone for the day?

Superman: Okay, well… Kara is going with us.

Batman: And I've lost a little respect for her.

Supergirl: Hey! Wait, you had respect for me?

Batman: Did you contact any of my adult kids? Nightwing? Red Robin? I know Red Hood would just laugh before hanging up.

Superman: We haven't called them yet… but I bet they'd say yes!

Batman: No, they wouldn’t. I know that because they just texted my youngest son, who’s with me, and their messages say, “Not a chance in hell.” I didn’t even have to say anything. I raised them well.

Superman: Can’t you put aside your ego and just do this for us?

Batman: Who’s going to pick up my son from school? Go to my daughter's recital? Attend my other son’s group therapy session? Talk to my future fiancée about where I’ll be? Just curious, which one of you will handle that?

Batman waited for a few seconds, and none of the members responded.

Batman: Right. As stated, I'm not going, and if you call me again with this stupid request, I'm cutting the power to the building for a month. I will let that building decay to prove a point.

Damian: You tell 'em, Father!

Batman ended the video call without another word.

Wonder Woman: He’s getting calmer with his reactions.

Green Arrow: Yeah… Guys, maybe we don’t turn ourselves in this time. Maybe we… do something else? Anything else, because he has a point. I'm not sinking in the Titanic when there's a lifeboat.

Aquaman: Good Titanic metaphor.

Green Arrow: Thanks, man.

The Wayne boys most days without sleep before they finally crashed (two manage to beat out Batman)

Tim Drake - 12 days

Tim fidgeted with his hands, his gaze fixed on the wall.

Tim: All around the mulberry bush, the monkey chased the weasel, da da da da—

Suddenly, an alarm blared on his phone startling everyone at the cafe table he was sitting at.

Tim: POP GOES THE WEASEL!

He erupted into cackling laughter, but as he slowly laid his head on the table, the laughter quickly faded away. Cassie, Kon, and Bernard exchanged worried glances.

Cassie: Hey, Tim, how long have you been awake?

Tim (rocking back and forth): 288 hours.

Cassie (stunned): 200 and what?

Kon (shocked): You've been awake for 12 days?!

Bernard (sighing): Again, Tim?

Cassie & Kon: Again?!

Bernard: I've seen this happen with him so many times. At this point, his brain starts to cry.

Cassie: Don’t you mean die?

Tim sobbed for a few moments, his eyes fixed on his phone, before falling completely silent.

Bernard: Nah, I mean crying.

Tim: You've seen me do it before, and I can do it longer. The first record holder lasted 12 days! I can go even longer—like a full month! I can! Batman couldn't even do that!

Tim cackled rocking back and forth.

Tim: Coffee helps especially when you replace it with all other liquids.

Tim grabbed a large cup of coffee, his hands trembling uncontrollably. He took a few big gulps as Cassie looked on in shock, while Konnor blinked and then shrugged, taking a few sips from his tea. Bernard gently rubbed his boyfriend’s back.

Cassie: Dude, why are you even avoiding sleep?

Bernard (explaining for his boyfriend): The double life, regular paperwork and then hero work. Timmy, let's take you home okay?

Tim: Home, no home. I fall sleep. Sleep for the weak... Did you know if you look at the walls long enough, new people appear?

Tim waved, laughing nervously then tensed horrified.

Tim: Their faces are contorting again!

Bernard: Let's take you away from the scary... invisible person and get you home to not rest.

Bernard took Tim's hand and led him outside of the Dunkin' Donuts.

Cassie: I could not handle dating a batkid.

Konnor nodded.

Kon: I dated him for a while. Would not recommend.

----------------------------------------------------

Dick Grayson - 18 days and 15 minutes

Kori and Beast Boy walked into the Titans' living room. Raven was the only one there, deep in her daily meditation.

Kori: Where's Dick at?

Raven: Outside counting blades of grass.

Kori (confused): Counting blades of grass?

Beast Boy (frustrated): Oh Jesus, has he been awake for days again?

Raven nodded, her eyes still closed.

Raven (monotone): He'll crash any second, but he thought being outside in the sun would 'revitalize' him.

Beast Boy: That's not- I'll be back.

Beast Boy went outside where Dick was, indeed, counting blades of grass. BB approached him, tapping his foot. Dick looked up, his eyes wide and one twitching.

Dick: Hey- Hey- Hey buddy. Did you know we have one hundred thousand blades of grass? I- Did you change colors?

BB: What color do you think I am?

Dick squinted his eyes.

Dick: Blue.

BB: All right, we're on that color. How long have you been awake, buddy?

Dick: I stopped sleeping last Wednesday... Then a week passed... Then another, that was 14, now it's Saturday of the second week. And- I hear the world singing.

Dick lay on the ground, counting the same patch of grass as he whispered incoherent nonsense. Beast Boy crossed his arms, sighed, and walked back inside the tower.

BB: 18 days this time.

Beast Boy walked away as Kori covered her mouth in shock.

Raven: He's surpassing the world record holder. Also, his brain might be dying.

Kori (alarmed): Might be?!

Raven: He's a batkid, their brains are made of steel or something.

Kori: I have one trick that usually knocks him out—

Raven: I know it's sex.

Kori (giggling): Yes, but he falls asleep on top of me every time.

Raven sighed, shaking her head while Beast Boy left the house with a water bottle.

Beast Boy: Right, I'm going to give him this sleep juice Alfred sent us. He says it knocks them out in a few seconds.

Raven: Smart choice.

Beast Boy: Thanks.

----------------------------------------------------

Jason Todd - 5 days

Jason: I can't sleep.

Roy: How long have you been awake?

Jason (groggy): About five days. Man, I tried to go to sleep, but my body physically won't let me.

Roy: Well, you have been drinking Red Bulls every other hour. You're too focused on the mission. Just go to sleep.

Jason shook his head, rocking back and forth.

Jason: Can't sleep… Won't sleep… No sleep.

Roy tapped his foot, thinking of a way to get him to sleep, then smiled.

Roy: You know you're becoming just like your dad. That's good; he can go six days without sleep. Maybe you'll—

Jason stood up, went to another room, closed his door, and fell into his bed to sleep.

Roy: Works every time.

----------------------------------------------------

Damian - 1 day

Damian: I don't want to go to sleep! No!

Damian kicked his feet as Bruce dragged him to bed.

Bruce: Nope, you’ve stayed awake for 24 hours. That's it. Go to bed!

Damian: You're so unfair!

Bruce: You're not depriving yourself of valuable sleep—Alfred, shut up!

Alfred, who was reading a book about sleep disorders, smirked and then walked away.

Tim, after a long patrol, collapses onto the couch and ends up falling mostly on Dick

Jason, in a lightly mocking tone Awww, look at the sleepy baby

Dick humms and shifts, trying to get more comfortable with the extra weight

Jason grins, sees the opportunity to annoy Dick, and leans on Tim to put more pressure on Dick, stretching widely, I’m so tiiiired

Dick too tried to realize Jason is being a brat, starts patting Jason’s hair Me too man, me too

Jason who is also exhausted from patrol feels his eyelids start to droop, begins to doze on Tim unwittingly

Tim is completely unaware

Tim later wakes up trapped not only between Dick and Jason but all their other siblings have joined the pile in some way

Tim glances sideways and sees Bruce sitting in a chair

Bruce, not looking up, Alfred has already sent the photos to Barbara

Tim huffs then goes back to sleep, knowing attempting escape is futile

that ‘beep beep richie’ thing they did in the It books whenever richie was being a jackass but its the batfam members reminding jason to take a breath and not lazarus-rage anybody into the grave and instead of ‘beep beep jason’ it’s just them flashing a green flashlight at his face.

it started out as a joke, just a quick flash of green to remind him that his anger was most likely down to pit rage and not actual annoyance, but at this point jason’s kinda pavloved himself into pausing and calming down at the sight of bright green lights.

*at a league meeting*

Jason, getting visibly agitated at Clark and reaching for the kryptonite: there is no goddamn FUCKING reason for me to leave my guns at the cave you arrogant fucking-

Tim from across the room: *flashes him in the eyes with the flashlight*

Jason:

Clark, slightly nervous:

Jason: *blinks rapidly* *grumbles angrily as he puts the kryptonite down and storms out the room*

Clark: where is he… going?

Tim: to put his head between his knees until he calms down. he’ll be back in a minute we can carry on.

the league:

-

*lantern visiting the cave for Bruce’s help with something*

Bruce: i can get the results back to you in-

Jason, angrily appearing to storm towards the manor: -gonna KILL that demon brat- thinks he can take MY SWORDS? from MY SAFEHOUSE?

Lantern: uhhh-

Bruce, sighing: Dick, do you have the-?

Dick, bringing out a green penlight and going after him: yeah, i got it. really gotta make Damian stop doing that though.

-

*during a team up, hatching out a battle plan*

Damian, interrupting Bruce’s plan with a whisper: Father, may i borrow the lazarus light?

Bruce: why? Hood isn’t arguing with anyone

Damian: he has been glaring at Green Arrow for the past fifteen minutes, and his fingers are starting to twitch.

Wonder Woman: what did Arrow do?

Damian: nothing, Hood just isn’t a fan.

Bruce:

Bruce, sighing: just a quick flash to keep him on subject, i can’t have him blinded right now.

-

*on an undercover mission*

Roy, cracking his knuckles: aren’t you pumped up to take this guy down?

Jason, stood in the middle of a rave, fluorescent green lights have been flashing in his face for the past ten minutes, his arms are hanging limply at his sides: ………huh?

Dick: yeah i don’t think he’ll be much help on this one.

Roy: ?

Dick: he’s basically catatonic

Jason: i’ve never been more calm.

Roy: you’re wearing a crop top and booty shorts

Jason: i kinda feel like a nap

Peter Parker meets batfam fics are funny to me because I think it’s bold of y’all to assume the batfam wouldn’t take one look at Peter, decide “oh that’s just a tim who still holds childhood innocence and wonder” and adopt him straight on the spot

Peter: *in Gotham for the first time* oh my gosh! *snaps photos* these buildings are so interesting! Bruce: *watching wearily* interesting? This thing is crumbling. Peter: exactly. Very good photo opportunities. Bruce: hmm.

Peter: *scarfing down the batburger Jason bought him* this is really good! Haha I just wish I had a coffee to go with it, I have a lot of studying to do tonight. Jason: *eyes narrow under helmet* coffee? Peter: *completely blazing past* so anyway are you like, the Friendly Neighborhood Crime Lord or—

Peter: *goes on long-winded chemistry rant* Damian: *staring* it’s like . . . . Jason: *leaning over to Damian* yeah. It’s like reading a translated book where everything is just slightly off but still similar enough to make you squint Damian: that is not the analogy I would have chosen, but okay Jason: hey as long as it continues to be chemistry and not technology. One of those I can handle moderately well. The other still sounds like gibberish. Damian: *raises brow* Jason: okay, yeah, I have no clue what he’s saying

they just bring Peter to the manor one day and are like “hey Tim, here’s your twin from another universe. Corrupt him with coffee addiction, murderous tendencies or general jadedness and we’ll announce Red Robin is going to finally address the copyright infringement allegations against that burger franchise”